DNO and Doc, I'm not sure what to do about her wanting to be private about her marital status in the dance community. She's not consistent about it, which adds to the confusion. It's obvious we're a couple to many people. She talks about us as a couple tomany people. She's a very private person in general.
My W is certainly one to push boundaries. I will have to get better at at increasing my repertoire of responses and actions available when these occur. I believe that unless I become skilled at boundary setting, this M will not move forward in a healthy direction.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hmmmm, does she give any reason for her not wanting people to know you are married or why she is inconsistent in this matter?
Have you ever actually told her how you feel about her not wanting people to know that you are a couple? doesn't have to be a setting of boundaries just a coversation. You can just talk about how it makes you feel without feeling you need to take a stand or make a boundary. No pressure for you then.
What was your wedding day like, a large affair or just a few close friends-just wondering IF she has always had this unusual need for privacy or if it is a recent thing and therefore could be guilt as maybe people know she was having an affair.
Naej, She doesn't seem to mind if people know we're a couple. In some circumstances, she talks like a W. She has always had a high need for privacy. The wedding was pretty small--mostly family and some friends. As you suggest, I don't see a need to impose consequences or insist that she reveal her marital status in public.
We're planning on our next performance commitment. The cooking day has been going better as we've been finishing around 6PM. She would like to take a vacation with other dancers. We'll see what opportunities present itself.
I see no problem with forgiveness, which involves thinking of my W as a flawed human being, bearing no ill will towards her, and not doing any harm.
The "Boundaries in Marriage" book by Henry Cloud is the right book for me at this time. The ideas will be immediately applicable, and seems to make boundary setting and problems in marriage more the norm than an exception. The book also talks about simply speaking-up as a means of boundary-setting, by letting the other person know how their behavior is impacting you (I need to do more of this).
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
"The book also talks about simply speaking-up as a means of boundary-setting, by letting the other person know how their behavior is impacting you (I need to do more of this)."
precisely my point, but much better said in the quote, I guess it's that old communication thing ! gosh who would have thought saying what you mean would be so difficult.
I don't see a need to impose consequences or insist that she reveal her marital status in public.
I agree. It just seems odd or irregular. I would ask the question, "Why keep it a secret." I can only think of one reason a person would deny being married.
Also it would hurt my feelings, but that's me.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
DNO, I had the opportunity to speak up when she was complaining about her former dance person revealing her marital status in the dance community. Asking her why it needs to be private would have been a good question while the topic was on the table. Asking it now would be confrontational.
I'm going to have to get better at this. I want to get better at this.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, I have said many times that I cannot fathom you, but we are all different and that is a good thing. I don't think I know a man that would have let the moment pass if his wife had said such a thing but you are right after the event would be confrontational. I am happy that you recognised that it was your chance to speak up for yourself about your feelings and that you really want to get better at speaking your mind or say the words that your heart is feeling.
Please remember it doesn't have to cause an argument or create tension between you. You have every right to tell her how you feel or how her actions/ words make you feel. That is not the same as saying if you do x then I shall have to do y. She may long to know what goes on in your heart and head, she may long to know that you are proud to be her husband and it hurts you when she doesn't want people to know that she is your wife. Remember to use the "I statements". Be ready for the next opportunity, you have nothing to loose and oh so much to gain by just speaking what you feel in your heart.
Naej, Expression may have to begin in written form (email) for difficult topics, otherwise it won't happen. It's time to move beyond expressing my feelings solely in my journal.
One morning last week, when my W complained about the bathroom arrangements, I emailed a response back to her, to let her know I was listening. I told her I was willing to switch bathrooms with her, as long as I could shave in the remodeled one, which has better lighting. She responded by saying that wasn't necessary, but would like to store her make-up there, so she could have access to it.
I'm planning on attending my ballroom venue tonight. The person who I kicked out of our home several weeks ago, is often there. I've decided that I'm not going to make a scene. He's the one who should be uncomfortable. If he says hello, I'll respond, but I won't engage in conversation, as if nothing has changed. I've learned that one can forgive and keep a pure heart, but it doesn't mean a R has to be restored. In an ideal world, he would come over and apologize to me, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm not looking for justice, but have used the incident as a wake-up call to improve relational skills.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
