Doc, This makes a lot of sense. I'll give it a try. Even if I don't get instant results, I'll still be ripening the time for positive change to occur. I need something to break the fear habits.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
There are no instant results. They say it takes 21 days for a habit to become a habit. That means everyday doing something. I am not saying to try this every day. But just when the opportunity arises. At first yes it will be a thought out thing but soon you will do it without thinking. Also you need to make it feel natural for you. You can't force yourself. For instance don't go over to your wife every time she is washing dishes and put your arms around her. Make it special moments. Otherwise it is just "something to do" and has no meaning. Yes I try t o give my wife a kiss goodbye when I leave for school. BUT I don’t kiss her goodbye EVERTIME she leaves house or then it will be just”Something we do every time” I had an X SIL that used to always do stupid things and would hurt people. She hurt me several times. She always said "I'm sorry" after but after awhile the I'm sorry meant nothing. It was just something she did after she hurt you... There is no rush CL…if you Do it when you can, do it so it feels right /good...And soon you will do it naturally
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
It is so frustrating that after 3 years on this board the P.M is disabled. Why? There was no problems before. Sorry CL for high jacking your thread here but I think you and I could really make some progress if this option was availble like it used to be.
well i'm off to school Bye
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
In Mars & Venus, John Gray writes "To forget her own painful feelings, a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others."
This seems to fit my W. She seems to hook-up with emotionally needy people, who never seem to solve their problems. This gives her a perpetual helper role. Her dance friend of last year who was going thru a D is a good example.
When our connection began to increase, I began to set limits with him in terms of amount of time spent at our household. He hasn't been in the household for some time. I've been vocal recently about my opinion of him, and told my W that I want positive people in our life, or people with problems who are trying to better themselves.
I'll need to pay closer attention to this warning sign.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Doc, Naej, Matilda, Jak, & DB Friends, In Mars & Venus, the author writes about how important talking is to a woman. We do seem to fit some of the gender conflict struggles he writes about. It feels great to have someone validate that.
I'm trying to be more willing to be a listening partner, even when I don't feel like it. I'm trying to be less of a roommate and more like a caring spouse. I'm trying to be less selfish about my time.
My W called the other day, concerned about her mother because she found a bug in her bedroom. She didn't know how to advise her mother. I allowed myself to be interrupted at work, and spent 20 minutes on the phone with her and gave her a thoughtful response. It helped her to make a decision later in the day she was comfortable with.
I chose to go to a dance lesson (I really wanted to be there) versus drive my W downtown to a dance venue I don't like. She called me after the lesson, and we hooked up for dinner. We've been going out for dinner several times per week. I don't like eating out as much as she does, but I've decided that I can give of my time to her.
She wants me to take swimming lessons, because she worries about me on vacations. I've procrastinated with this issue for years. I'm going to sign-up for some, because I should address my fear of water (are you surprised?). I'm going to dialogue with her to make sure we're on the same page, and that she doesn't expect too much of me.
I'm trying to take last week's episode as a stronger wake-up call that I need to increase my connection with my W even more, and have a plan for consequences if either sleeping elsewhere or inappropriate behavior with a male companion occurs again.
Our dance performance at the studio is this weekend. This would be a good time to practice the guided imagery that Doc is talking about--imagining myself having a good time performing our routine with my W, versus worrying if I'm going to screw-up.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Look at what you wrote and take out all of the "trying" and replace them with "I am".
When you say you are trying... you already in your sub concuss have agreed to failure buddy. This is part of working on you. AS long as you do your best that is all that counts..
What sounds better / stronger/ more man like to you if things do not work out.
1. I tried to be a good listener, husband, partner Or 2. I was a good listener, husband, partner. It is amazing what self talk, negative thinking does to a person
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
What sounds better / stronger/ more man like to you if things do not work out.
1. I tried to be a good listener, husband, partner Or 2. I was a good listener, husband, partner.
Doc, It is important to choose words that mean what we say. When I say I'm trying I mean that I'm putting in a deliberate effort at changing some habits. Is there a whiff of fear in my words? Am I still being too tentative? An I still playing not to lose versus win, defense versus offense? Does my word choice reveal something about me, that I'm not aware of? These are good questions.
You are right though that at least for one day, I was a good listener, less selfish, and partner. This is a different perspective than thinking I haven't yet arrived. Some habits can be changed instantly. I need to give myself credit when it's due. I'm big on humility, but maybe take it too far.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Doc, Jak, Matilda, Naej, and DB Friends, I've ordered library copies of Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud, and The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes. I'm looking for assistance in learning to how to be more assertive in my marriage, and how to better manage the serious boundary violations my W has done, and be prepared for the next time. I'm hoping the boundaries book will have the blend of compassion I'm looking for combined with a tough love approach I need to grow into, as recommended by peers repeatedly on this board. I've been thinking about reading this book for some time.
I've ordered the Art of Forgiving to help me deal with the emotional part of all the pain my W has inflicted over the years, embarrassment I have for myself and my M, anger I have towards my W and those who have disrespected me and my M, frustration, disappointment, and other emotions that will hinder healing, unless I process and transform them.
I'll keep working thru Mars @ Venus by John Gray, as it has been helpful already in helping me to understand gender differences. I think the three books will complement each other.
I've been unbalanced these past two weeks, but emotions are starting to settle. It's become clear what I need to learn, and how I need to grow.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Boundaries in Marriage is one of my top 3 favorite books of all time. Meaning it was totally life changing for me in terms of how I viewed my marriage. I never really set nor enforced any boundaries with my H and thus was always in 'victim' or 'reaction' mode. I thought I could "love him back in the right direction" and that just didn't happen.
I think it is an amazing book and I do hope you enjoy it when you read it. Lots of valuable insight there.
