No, I really don't know why I got up and moved, I just did it. Maybe it was for him. There was absolutely no thought behind it, I just did it. I'll have to think about this more.
I don't think I am ready to go dark, I was just thinking about how I can communicate to him that I miss the talks we used to have, the friendship we had... but I'm reading some old HeartsBlessing / HurtingBadly posts and she went dark, but also maintained a friendship. I'm just not sure how to do that. I want to leave that bridge up and that door cracked b/c it's a huge connection for us - we have so many common interests and really were best friends.
My H had an EA 2003-2005 and during that time we were friends, talked, ML, went out to clubs, relived his high school years. I had enough and pulled him back. I'm not sure if he is in MLC now - he acts like it, but the earlier EA makes me wonder... but then I think that perhaps he was starting an MLC and I interrupted it, which is why this time it's so much more forceful.
In any case, just explaining b/c H has been hateful and said really mean things to me, blaming me for everything wrong in his life and saying things like I have no morals. Projecting hateful actions onto me, etc. But in the past, he definitely was a cake eater, even to the point of admitting it after his EA ended.
PS with earlier EA - he relapsed and I caught wind of it and forced him back into the M by threatening to leave, giving him an ultimatum - and he chose me...
I feel like if I gave him that same ultimatum now, he'd walk, and I'm not ready to do that just yet. I can detach, GAL, etc, but I'm just not ready to PUSH him out the door, you know? I can live my life like he's not coming back, but if I were instrumental in forcing him away, I'd have a huge problem with that.
I wish someone could tell me - do this or do that... LOL
I would much prefer to be his friend and confidant, but this time he's actually going out with OW to clubs and bars and not me, so where before I had that outlet available to me, this time I do not. This time he is replacing my friendship with hers. He's even taking her on a trip with our friends that we were supposed to be going on. Last time, he let me meet some of his needs, this time he will not.
1. He won't eat my food 2. He won't do my laundry and keeps his purposefully separate so that he is doing his own laundry 3. He has gotten a separate bank account 4. He hasn't gone out and done anything fun with me for months 5. He goes out constantly with old friends (high school) and OW and never even tells me where or when he'll be home
Basically all of his needs are being met outside of the home and without me. I vacillate between (1) going dark and totally just moving on and allowing God to totally take over and move his heart back to me, and (2) stepping aside for God to do what He has to do, but at the same time trying to meet some friendship needs of H by listening, being there, laughing with him when we watch tv together (infrequent) and having good times on Tuesdays when we have family night.
Laughter is VERY important to H, very very important, cannot be overstressed, so this is a huge thing for us to do together.
MH, do you have the link to HB Hurting Badly? If you have it handy that would be great, so I don't have to look for it.
I can relate to your your view of not "forcing him out". I couldn't do it. When mine came back the first time, he moved back the same day he split with OW and 2 months of misery started, within a week he was back communicating with OW. I didn't know. He was not into working on M at all. WH walked around like the living dead, depressed and told me he felt trapped. I asked him why did you come back, you could have stayed in your apartment? No answer, he just asked me "Do you want me to leave?" And despite him making my life really miserable and seeing that he obviously did not want to be there...I said no.
The last 3 months that he was moved out I was his friend, DB'd like crazy and all he did was cake eating. So does being his friend work? He just takes advantage and maybe it removes his guilt, because he thinks that I'm OK with the arrangement and he has everything as he had before plus an "exiting" new sex partner.
If you give him an ultimatum, he may walk, they don't have the guts to do it themselves and sometimes they just look for an excuse, which you would give him.
I totally understand that you want to shake things up by changing your behavior. One of the DB principals is "if it doesn't work, change it".
Not sure if it applies in MLC. Not much step by step advice from Michele on that subject.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
but then I think that perhaps he was starting an MLC and I interrupted it, which is why this time it's so much more forceful.
and this
Originally Posted By: marked&healed
PS with earlier EA - he relapsed and I caught wind of it and forced him back into the M by threatening to leave, giving him an ultimatum - and he chose me...
I feel like if I gave him that same ultimatum now, he'd walk, and I'm not ready to do that just yet.
made me remember this from my thread a while back that has stuck with me.
Originally Posted By: lostforwords
they roll around from day to day. That is why you detach...so you don't go through that roll with them. One day they are the old person...the next some evil alien...just how it rolls. Don't expect a commitment to the process. It happens when it does....any earlier than that and you might as well be talking to a dog. They look at you..listen and then are gone...well maybe a dog is better.....
I had to go NC to totally detach but you will know when you should do that. I did want to have some contact so we could be friends. But you CAN do that AFTER a time of NC and upon reaching loving detachment. I think if you ask yourself do you have expectations when you have conatct with H? Do you find your emotions swinging when you do? That's what it was for me and that's when I said enough...and went NC.
It got so much better for me after that...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Maybe that's the answer for me, then, I will just know when NC is right for me. Time to start listening to my intuition.
Mila, that's why I connected so much to you, I think, we are going through so much similar, except that my H doesn't always act so classic in MLC. I'm still on the fence. He seems "normal" and not depressed, but that may just be an act for me to see, b/c he perceives that I've moved on and am in a good mood - as he told his MIL. When "leaving" me (emotionally) he spewed hatred at me, but nothing since then - back then I was the reason for all that was wrong with him and was too controlling, etc etc. But he tries hard to connect to the children (tonight had a few painfully awkward moments with DSS16 trying to get him to talk... not how you connect to him, he is a QT kid) - and his voice is light and happy... not dark and depressed at all. He doesn't seem to be drinking any more, or at least not around me, and his anger seems gone... again, may all be an act?
Here's the most recent link from HB I'm reading. There are more.
I can't help but always try to "figure out" if he's MLC or not. It's so hard for me b/c he's so dark to me now. We don't talk about anything.
Truegritter, that's so true about the one day/next day thing. My H was so nice to me just recently I almost (almost) wondered if he wanted to try to see if there was anything left b/t the two of us. Remember, I was wondering if he wanted something from me? Nothing has come up yet, no "can I have this car and you pay for half?" or anything similar.
I have to be happy with crumbs. He's here in the house, has not mentioned D (except a few times in anger and almost always forgets about it instantly... or at least never truly pursues it) - and we still have good laughs a lot - again, if it were the Six Love Languages and not the Five, I'd say that was H's LL. LOL.
I guess for now I'll go dim, I'll not go out of my way to avoid him, and try to detach lovingly but still take opportunities to show how much fun/funny I can be and laugh with him.
I'm pretty sure he's blocked me from his posts on facebook since you can choose who sees stuff. My friend mentioned a post he made but it doesn't show up on my fb page when I look at his page. I thought about de-friending OW but haven't yet, and also maybe of de-friending him... but I don't know that I want to get rid of any source of intel, plus I know it drives OW nuts to think I have a window into her life.
Thanks all. I'm actually smiling from inside right now. I guess it is really shopping therapy... don't know why I feel so happy, but I do.
Maybe it's just so many items crossed off of my list after just one day.
Maybe it was the lights from the tanning bed, I hear they help with moods.
Or maybe it's the sweet, black leather strappy high heels sitting next to my bed and waiting to look really hot paired with my skinny jeans and pretty teal shirt. Hope H doesn't mind going over the bills with me tomorrow at lunch. LOL.
I'm actually smiling from inside right now. I guess it is really shopping therapy... don't know why I feel so happy, but I do.