Long time no 'chat'. Sad to hear what you are going through
It's really hard to get past the things they said and did when the M was bad and the A's happened. They DID break a promise they had made to us. Losing that exclusivety in a R is heartbreaking.....and to be verbally diminished by them lives with one a long time. I still have issues with it confidence wise. They have left one sort of half brainwashed with all that sh!t they said.
As you know, I was like you and the sexual side of things had diminished prior to A etc. Like you I have ensured that side of the R has been a lot better. What I would say I have noticed though is that my H likes to be the initiater/ pursuer. Perhaps you need to sit your H down and talk to him about how anxious you get about getting the balance right - explain that when too long goes by you worry that he might be looking elsewhere. Acknowledge that that might just be a hang up from what happened before so it would be great if he just was the one to initiate for a while, ( and you need to be careful not to reject when he does that), and see how that plays out. Say that that way it wouldn't be playing on your mind all the time, you would just be letting him take the lead - it doesn't mean you want sex less.....you just want to make sure you are not putting pressure on him.
Some men like the chase and the excitement of it......perhaps that's what the A's were about......so if you are just waiting to hand it out on a plate perhaps it isn't so exciting for him? Just an idea.
Still got my email?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hey, guys, nothing really new to report. H isn't feeling well. The only weird thing that happened today was when I got up, he was already up & kissed me on the cheek as opposed to a "normal" kiss. I'm not going to read anything into it -- I'm *assuming* it was b/c his throat was hurting & he didn't want to get me sick.
I went home to "check" on him at lunch (yeah, make sure he was where he was supposed to be, I admit) and he was sleeping. I lay down w/ him & he was stroking my arm, etc. & everything seemed fine & nice.
We're having some problems w/ our S5 right now, so if you pray, please add him to your prayer list. He just seems really angry right now. He's always had these bouts of periods of time where he gets really angry & we can't figure out what is going on w/ him. We've talked to his teacher, though, and this time, we are suspecting it's this other little kid he has started hanging around & doesn't seem to be a very good influence.
Anyway, that's all that's going on. I'm just still on the fence as to whether things are really ok or not. I'm leaning toward feeling that I'm just reading into things b/c of what has happened & he is absolutely just fine w/ everything. He doesn't ever talk about any issues in the R & he knows from the past that if he wants anything changed, he needs to talk to me about it. That was partly what led up to our D sitch. He was very angry & resentful towards me for literally YEARS of feeling rejected, lonely, neglected, etc. while I truly had no idea he was feeling this way. I have fully owned up to my hand in the downfall of our M at that point, but I still can't read his mind, although one time he said that the person he was going to spend the rest of his life should just KNOW these things.
He always talks about our future and there never seems to be any doubt that we will be together & doing everything that he has planned, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
He was very angry & resentful towards me for literally YEARS of feeling rejected, lonely, neglected, etc. while I truly had no idea he was feeling this way................... but I still can't read his mind,
I'd point blank tell him that. Coupled with the fact that you do not want to make the same mistake twice.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Oh, he knows this. I was just saying that he just thinks everything is fine & wonderful while sometimes I feel that things aren't necessarily going so well. I do then at times talk to him about things if it goes on for awhile & I don't see things improving in any way or still just feel things are off.
Most of the time I just figure out what *I* can be doing to make things better, i.e., being better about keeping up on laundry, etc. & not *expecting* him to help. Then usually he will notice, say thank you & usually step up on his end too.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
We've talked to him about it. Told him he can talk to us about anything, etc.
Last night, finally had a little chat w/ him that if it was attention he was after, he just needed to tell us that. He gets plenty, but maybe he doesn't see it that way. Sometimes it's hard w/ 3 boys! Anyway, we told him that if he continued behaving the way he was that the attention he was going to be receiving would be pretty negative attention and that it was going to start resulting in no TV, no Wii, no swim lessons, etc. I think it MAY have sunk in b/c he turned around quite a bit after that later in the evening last night.
I know how perceptive kids are. Unfortunately, he's had a lot to deal w/ in his little life - even though we tried to hide it, I'm sure the oldest and S5 kind of knew something was going on during the D sitch, then dad had to go to Korea for a year, then grandma & grandpa moved back to WA, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
RedHeadWife, My hubby does a great job with "social stories" with our older son. He does it for everything. He makes up the kids names and tells stories about dealing with a bully, with someone who hurts his feelings.... There all made up but teach a lesson....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
