Should I Tell Her to Move On???

[Glimmerman]

Gr8day

I'll share a piece of my own story with you.

My W calls one day and says she needs information for the divorce paperwork. We talk a few minutes, then agree to meet.

When we meet, we spend about five or ten minutes on the information that was needed, or the "agenda item" if you will. We spend the next hour or better talking about goals, our M issues, and what she was thinking about. Some of our talk was about the future, and it was stuff that neither of us had even considered or thought about until THAT DAY.

Now, did anything change that day? No. But both of us left that discussion thinking about things.

Several days later, she calls me to go to dinner. Wants to discuss us getting into MC.

My point to you is this. Don't think small. Your agenda is the post marital agreement. From a big view, the question is this. Is there any possibility that a post marital agreement will not be needed after all?

That question may not, and probably won't be, answered in your meeting. After our meeting was done, my W heard two things from me that influenced her. One was that the things I said let her know I had been listening to her. The other thing was my sincerity to try to implement those things for ME, for HER, and for US.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

GM,

When we meet should we get down to business first? The agreement?
Then go into R talk or R talk first?

I want to have the best game plan to increase my chances.

The last talk we had in February she started off be saying we should seek legal C then we talk for 1.5 hours.

That was our last real talk. I have been GAL and NC her since.
We haven't discussed anything. NOTHING.

She said she would contact me for the meeting but that never came. I made the suggest we to discuss the agreement.
I wanted to show her I'm OK either way.

I will ask some of the questions suggested to me to feel her out.

I suggested we me b/c I want to oppurtuniy to show her I am adifferent person.

What if she brings up the fact that I am on the dating site?
I think I know the answer. I haven't done anything yet and most likely won't until I know which way the M will turn out.

I will write my thoughts down and be prepared for the meeting.
It may lead to other meetings.

[Glimmerman]

In my case, we got down to business first....and that basically led us into "is this what we really want to do?".

Again, my W's answer was basically still that she wanted the divorce. In our case, she started rethinking if it was what she wanted to do AFTER the meeting. She might have had second thoughts while we were talking, but she didn't disclose them then. She spent several days thinking about our talk and then said she was ready for MC.

We are not reconciled (which I know will be a whole process in itself), but my W is not ignoring me or pushing me away.

I can not answer your question about the dating site other than what I think I would do. The only thing that comes to mind is to ask her "how it makes her feel that you would be on a dating website", but that's just my thought.

You will best show her you are OK either way by not being worried and just being conversational.

[mza8]

Hi Gr8, been following your latest posts. I like some of the questions that Coach and Glimmerman have suggested. I agree that you ask questions that require your W to give more than a yes or no answer.

Sounds like you know what you want to talk about at the meeting. Stay cool, calm and confident. I like how you will handle the dating website topic if she mentions it. I think that a good way to handle it. I also think it's good to write your thoughts down so you don't forget anything you want to discuss.

Just wanted to wish you good luck at your meeting on Monday!

[Vulcanized]

I was thinking I made a mistake when I emailed her about the meeting.

I said in the email we should meet to discuss our post-marital agreement.

I should have said: we need to meet to talk about things.

But that's already done with.

Enjoying the day!

No, the e-mail is exactly right. You need to talk about the post marital. You want to talk about things. Put your wants aside for a bit, until your W is at least conducive to hearing them.

I think your best bet is talk about the practical p-m things, w/o bringing up R/M. If your W does, listen, listen, listen. Let her do the bulk of the talking. Validate - I see, I understand, etc. Let W do the talking about her needs, wants, etc.

[Vulcanized]

What if she brings up the fact that I am on the dating site?
I think I know the answer. I haven't done anything yet and most likely won't until I know which way the M will turn out.

If this was me, and my H said anything to me about dating, I would say: H, you chose to end this M. That being the case, I am free to date as I see fit. I do not pry into your personal affairs and expect the same respect and consideration that I've shown you.

But that's me, and I'm currently not having too difficult a time maintaining the hard line ...

[Glimmerman]

Ruined_No_More

I appreciate your persective and have a couple of questions for you. I agree that Gr8day needs to put aside his wants.

Are you saying to only talk about something other than the post-marital agreement if his W brings it up?

If Gr8day only talks about the post-marital agreement, how should he communicate that he may be interested in something other than that?

Gr8day has received advice from both Coach and I on questions he can ask his W to try to get her talking about the R/M. Do you feel he should not do that?

[Vulcanized]

Ruined_No_More

I appreciate your persective and have a couple of questions for you. I agree that Gr8day needs to put aside his wants.

Are you saying to only talk about something other than the post-marital agreement if his W brings it up?

If Gr8day only talks about the post-marital agreement, how should he communicate that he may be interested in something other than that?

Gr8day has received advice from both Coach and I on questions he can ask his W to try to get her talking about the R/M. Do you feel he should not do that?

Hi G,

I think it's best to allow W to bring up R/M. Allow her to talk about her needs/wants, as opposed to "yes, but ... this is what I want". Listen to W, validate, if need be, repeat what W has said so as to confirm that the message W was delivering was the message that Gr8t received.

In my sitch, when H voiced his complaints, that is what I did. Also said, H, I understand why you feel that way. I think that our problems can be resolved and the M made stronger, but I understand you don't think that is a possibility at this time. I've repeated that line a few times over the course of the sitch.

I don't think beating the WA over the head w/your desire to repair M is productive. You express the sentiment occasionally. The WAS knows you don't want D.

I don't think Gr8t should refrain from R/M talk. If W initiates it, he should listen to W. Make it about her and not himself. Not necessarily bring it up himself, but be receptive if/when W does.

Hope that clarifies.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Wow thanks for the posts.

All this happen at once:

1. I just received a call from W. She had the kids call me. She is on 2nd shift so she has them until 330 until her mom comes over.
Anyway, this is the first time she called me for the kids. I didn't speak to her but the fact that she called from them was interesting.

2. Received an email stating the flowers I order for MIL were delivered.

3. the one woman I am in contact with through emails on the dating site emails me more info about her.

MZA8 I read your sitch about the flowers, I did send some to W, although I sent them from the kids to her for Mothers Day. I did that last week and forgot about it until I received the delivery confirmation.

W may have them today.

GM
"I can not answer your question about the dating site other than what I think I would do. The only thing that comes to mind is to ask her "how it makes her feel that you would be on a dating website", but that's just my thought."

I want to make her Feel/Say - Wow I can't believe he's really looking for someone else. I thought he would never seek OW, maybe he's seriously thinking about moving on. I may lose him if I don't do something to get his attention."

This is want I would like to happen.

RNM-
your right the agreement needs to be taken care of. This also shows her I'm manning up to the situation.

I think my b*lls are getting bigger.

What do you think about this question:
Where you see yourself on 5 years?
or
Where do you see us in 5 years?

I know my answer to the first Q.

That's my plan for now.


If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

you guys are fast.
I'm posting the same time and seeing more posts.

RNM, I see your point about let her bring up R/M talk.

What I was thinking was more about what I want out of a healthy R. If it's with her great if not it WILL be with someone else.
That's the extent of R talk I was thinking.
If W does bring it up I will listen validate and ask opened ended questions.

I don't want to talk about the past, I want to talk about a positive future and solution based ideas