Should I Tell Her to Move On???

[Glimmerman]

I hope you have got your worrying under control. Based on your posts, you were beside yourself knowing your W was taking a trip with the friend you don't approve of.

Like Coach said, you have to know you will be OK either way since your W's decision is hers to make.

As an example, if it were me, I would have two goals in mind when I met with my W like you are going to.
1) To get a more clear picture of how she's feeling. This is done by questioning (not interrogating, but conversational questioning) and listening.
2) To have her leave the meeting thinking something like "Gr8day's demeanor seemed different. He's doesn't seem all worried like he usually does".

At first she'll think something like, "well that won't last". You've got to keep it up and make it become the new you.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks for the advice GM.
I will definetely follow those two points.

I like the questioning to find out more about her feelings toward the R.

Any questions you think I should ask that might reveal more??

[Glimmerman]

Only you will know how bold you can be in your questioning and what you really want to find out.

Questions I have asked...

"W, how has our separation helped you?"

"W, in what ways do you still feel anger toward me?"

"W, in what ways do you feel less angry toward me?"

These questions were not necessarily all in the same conversation, but I have received answers to all of them.

Most of the time, for a WAW, the anger has turned to resentment (thus they have walked away from their M), so she may spend quite a bit of time on the ways she still feels anger toward you. Listen attentively, don't get defensive, and don't worry. After you leave, consider if that's a change you can start making, or perhaps you aren't ready to make.

In my case, there have been about 3 or 4 conversations over about a month span that helped get us where we are now. I should point out that in our most productive conversations, my W called me and said we need to get together and talk.

[Coach]

Any questions you think I should ask that might reveal more??

Why do you feel _____________?

How could I make you feel more______________?


How can I support you in_______________?

[Glimmerman]

Coach's questions are excellent also. With questions, let the conversation move naturally. If you can see a common thread for the sample questions I gave you, and the ones Coach gave you, they tend to have the words "you" and "feel" in them....with the "you" being Mrs. Gr8day.

I guess the questions came fairly natural to me, Gr8day. I REALLY wanted to know how my W felt. I know if our M is to not only survive, but thrive, I NEED to know her answers to those questions.

[Glimmerman]

....also notice the questions don't just require a yes/no answer.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks guys you have given me some good insightful questions to ask.
We really need to get some R talk in b/c I don't want to lose what little love I have for my W. I feel it can be revived but also feel that once it's gone. it's gone for good.

I see now how affirs start. Some else shows attention to you that you haven't seen in awhile and bam....

I am receiving plenty attention from OW and need to speak to W so I know where we stand.

I spoke to our mutual friend and she has asked me not to mention the "Hook up" on vacation. I will honor her request.
What advantage point would I gain by revealing I know??

Monday can't get here quick enough.

[Glimmerman]

Yes, affairs are dangerous.

Do NOT bring up your W's "hookup", for two reasons at this point.
1) It's gossip and YOU have no actual proof
2) YOU need to show YOURSELF that you can quit worrying about it

Monday's meeting is for you to have a conversation with your W to find out how SHE'S feeling and what SHE wants. That will help you decide on boundaries that you need and decisions you can make.

Be conversational with questions and don't worry. I'm going to harp on you just a little here to drive home a point that I see in you. You say "Monday can't get here quick enough".

There's an element of worry in there. Revisit Coach's quote. YOU will be OK no matter what happens.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

There's an element of worry in there. Revisit Coach's quote. YOU will be OK no matter what happens.

Gm I think your right. I have a sense of worry. Although it's not about W ending it, I have accepted that outcome, it's about me persuing OW.

I have made a transition from this can't be happenig to me to
this is a natural part of life. People get D all the time. If/when I am in that category I will survive and adapt.

Right now the most important thing is to talk to W and feel her out.

I won't bring up OM stuff. If she wants to go that way that's fine, I will not be apart of an open M.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I was thinking I made a mistake when I emailed her about the meeting.

I said in the email we should meet to discuss our post-marital agreement.

I should have said: we need to meet to talk about things.

But that's already done with.

Enjoying the day!