How do you deal with the HATE?

[kickme]

Hello, all.

My H filed for a divorce 2 months ago. He immediately put it on "hold", and says he wants to recover. Our M problmes started a few years ago, and I beleive he is in full swing MLC, tho he says "no".


About the MLC attributes:
The denial, the immaturity and the mean actions and hate are personally killing me.

He used to be very passive agressive. I wanted that to stop (always think about what you are asking for, because) now it is direct, in your face actions,

He never (rarely) appologies, says mean terrible things -- then says he wants the M. His denial is juvenile.

There have been so many stunts pulled. In my face and behind my back.

Our counselor says she sees so much anger between us that she doubts we can become "one team".
I am a good wife. I have my flaws, and have tried to recover. but the selfish, childish actions are takng their toll.

I don't know how long I can live like this.

[sb2ndmarriage]

I would switch counselors for one. He/She already has a negative view of your marriage and that is not good. Get the DB books and read them or read back over them and work on you. Trust me this does work I have been doing it now for three weeks and it is amazing the change. You want to surround yourself with positive people about your marriage if you really want to save it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I have a question kickme,

Are you mentally ill?

[Cadet]

Here are links to your first few threads. If possible try to stay on one thread until you get to 10 pages or 100 posts. It makes it easier for everyone to follow along and see what advice you have been given.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...531#Post1897531

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...568#Post1904568

Have you read the resources. I can put some links on your thread if you need them.

[Augtan]

Kick me, so sorry you are here, but you are in a good place for advice! I would suggest you switch therapist's too. When you call to get information on a new one, make it very clear that your H is in MLC and that you are going there to save your marriage and there is to be no discussion of any other options at all, D is not on the table at all!!

Anger is a hard thing! I have had anger issues according to my XH for years! I was not always the perfect, nice all the time wife, but I don't think I was off the hook mean or angry! I tell him now all the time, that "yes, now I am angry, and I am angry about what you have done to our family, me, and our kids, but anger is a human emotion and I am learning how to deal with my anger in a more positive way" He could careless. He is in MLC, was with an OW, but now he just runs around like he is 21 again!

Tell us more of your story! Do you think there is an OW? Mine turned so mean when he was having the affair, it was crazy! Had always treated me nice, spoke to me nice, called me many times a day, told me each day I was the love of his life, etc. Then, almost overnight was the meanest person I had ever known! He would say such awful things! When I did find out about the OW and we started therapy, the therapist said he was mean out of guilt and it was a good thing, cause it meant he had guilt which some don't. Well, in our situation, the guilt didn't matter, the OW was saying and doing everything right while I was home crying and a mess. Long story, could go on and on, but this is about you!

Get the books or re-read them if you already have them, follow it to the letter, if I had found this site and those books when all mine started, we would still be married, I am sure of it! I did everything wrong for so long, it seems to be too late for us. But, it has helped me to DB for me, made me see things I never would have otherwise and changed me forever!

Keep coming here to vent, don't share much with friends or family!

A

[kickme]

It started on my 40th birthday- (he is the same age).
He cam home (lightswitch had been flipped) and said
"I was going to change"
"I was going to change if I liked it or not"
"I was going to change..or else"

He did at this time have a "crush" on coworker, but I do not beleive it was a PA (she played him like a violin and popped an engangement from her longtime b.f. - I think using my H as a jealousy)

We had a huge, huge fight. I got arrested. (I refused to talk/speak on my own behalf-- bad, bad idea.). Ultimately everything legal was erased, but I still have terrible time with PTSD and anxiety from this scenario. Now he says he s sorry, but I do not feel like he really understands.

He has a history of passive agressive "stunts".
He was never allowed to act out as a child, he was punished severely for any wrongdoings-

He used to be so laid back, he liked it when I made descisions. Now, he says I am "too bossy".

Maybe I am. But for 20 years it worked OK.

[kickme]

I have a question kickme,

Are you mentally ill?

Is this a joke or are you trying to make a point?

[kickme]

Our new counselor is very different.

My H is going thru transitions, he does not want to be "laid back", he wants to assert himself. He needs (IMHO) to address this with his mother, but I feel I am the authority around.

He also does not admit many wrong doings. He finger points and blames. He reasons like a 14 year old (as per our counselor)

MLC. and a boat of anger, too.

It is better in my face than behind my back. May be a step in the right direction of solving something.
He can be mean and nasty. But he can also be very nice.
This was not the man he was/I knew for 20 years.

If he wants to divorce, why does he not just "finish the job?"

I do love him, and I am hoping that this is "MLC blaming". I did have huge issues with PTSD and anxiety. I still do not sleep. I caused a lot of the problems in the last 4 years- I still have issues forgiving and forgetting.

We have limped alon through this for 4 years. I was hoping there was a light-
Now I just feel that his anger is just getting more built up.

[kickme]

Kick me,

When I did find out about the OW and we started therapy, the therapist said he was mean out of guilt and it was a good thing, cause it meant he had guilt which some don't. Well, in our situation, the guilt didn't matter, the OW was saying and doing everything right while I was home crying and a mess.

A

Sometimes I think he is mean because he wants to divorce, and he wants to push me to do it. or he is guilty about wanting a divorce.
One thing I know- I doubt I will ever get the truth.

[1000ships]

Kickme,

I’ve gone through your other threads and made comments from those as well as from this thread.

He says he loves me and wants the marriage.

And two months after this post he filed for divorce…did he say what changed? Did he say why?
MLCers cycle and change their minds, I’m just curious if he even acknowledged his contradictions.

I beleive he is in full swing MLC, tho he says "no".

Yeah, MLCers deny MLC. Do not discuss it with him.

He is SUPER religious now, and still sanctimoneous (but also an internet porn fan) I DON'T GET IT!

He has a deep sense of shame. He has built a self-righteous wall as his defense and projects all that is bad onto you. To do otherwise would be to acknowledge that his unhappiness and personal problems are within and his shame is too deep to admit that right now.
MLCers are filled with guilt and that is still an issue, but for him shame seems a large factor. Shame is worse thatn guilt. Guilt can be healthy, it is about behaviour, whereas shame is a feeling of inner badness—character rather than behavioural.

He seems to be ready for relationship again

That was four months ago and clearly he was not and is not ready for a relationship. And yet that is MLC-Normal. MLCers cycle. At times they may seem normal. At times they may think they want a relationship with you again, they may or may not seem normal when feeling this.

What made you think he seemed ready for a relationship again—when most of your posts that day were about his weird MLC behaviour and described Monster behaviour along with confusion?

he acts offended that I don't trust him. I sit, incredulous at this. DO all MLC'rs have such entitlement?

Yes, but it is not entitlement in all cases or at all times. They really are oblivious.

he does not show empathy or humility. (I am not saying he does not have it, but MLC'rs can not express it very well, I think.)

Narcissism is high in MLC and a lack of empathy is a trait of narcissism.

My H filed for a divorce 2 months ago. He immediately put it on "hold", and says he wants to recover. Our M problmes started a few years ago, and I beleive he is in full swing MLC, tho he says "no".

What does he say he wants to recover from?
This is like a slip of the tongue. It may have been subconscious, or not, or a momentary glimpse of understanding, but this indicates a recognition that his problems are internal. These brief moments often slip quickly away, but they are still seeds growing in the darkness.

Now he says he s sorry, but I do not feel like he really understands.

He doesn’t understand. Your counselor also mentioned he did not seem remorseful. Saying I’m sorry does not mean they are or that they are going to follow through with actions. Some mean it and are still too deep in MLC addictions to follow through with actions. It took my husband a few years before his actions met his words.

He used to be so laid back, he liked it when I made descisions. Now, he says I am "too bossy".

Maybe I am. But for 20 years it worked OK.

OR it seemed to work okay from your perspective. He may not have liked it hen---you said he was passive aggressive. Or he grew tired of something that he used to like, people change.
But…are you using for 20 years it worked OK as an excuse to justify being bossy and keep doing it? You need to change too.

My H is going thru transitions, he does not want to be "laid back", he wants to assert himself. He needs (IMHO) to address this with his mother, but I feel I am the authority around.

Sure, this may have started with his mother, but you‘ve admitted you are bossy. That would indicate that you both need to address it within your relationship too.

If he wants to divorce, why does he not just "finish the job?"

If he really wanted a divorce, he would finish the job.

Counselor

TWO IC counselors think he is a horrible spouse…

They are correct. MLCers are horrible spouses. Separate the MLCer from the man he will become…you need a counselor who will do that with you. Horrible now is about his behaviour, not his character; he is broken.

My IC does not understand why I would put up with this behavior. He believes in MLC, but does not think I should put up with his treatment.

Does your counselor mean that he doesn’t understand why you want to or are remaining married? Or are you being a Doormat by actually putting up with his abuse?
Your counselor is correct; you (no one) should put up with the abuse. Wanting to reconcile your marriage is another matter entirely. I did not want the MLC Monster…do any of us?

…it is the stupid hateful behaviors that have hurt me the worst.
HOW, exactly, does one "get over" them? My IC told me to "just try to do it!"

You do not get over, you must go through. Your counselor’s answer is the type of answer given when the person doesn’t know how and will not admit it. It’s okay to not know how; we don’t know how either, but we may have some ideas. But different people react and respond differently, what works for you will not work for someone else.

Our counselor says she sees so much anger between us that she doubts we can become "one team".

Is this the same counselor?
I agree with the others, find a new counselor. What do you want? Do you want to be married—not to the MLC Monster, but to your husband? Do you want to be married to the man he can become? Are you Standing? If you are Standing, you need a counselor who is more supportive of your Stand. If not, this counselor may work for you—but you don’t sound as though you want out, you sound fed-up, confused and frustrated. You feel hopeless and are wondering what you should do, and if it’s even worth it—is there even hope?

Is the new counselor a different than those referenced above?
Read the resources. His meanness is typical for a Replayer. As Depression approaches some become more overtly angry a an avoidance of the Depression. Near the end of the crisis, as they recognize and process the damage they have done, they may cycle back for awhile. It is common that they seem the most chaotic when closes to the MLC tunnel entrance and exit where the light at the beginning and end shows them what they are leaving and what they have done respectively.
Keep posting here—regularly and keep up with counseling.

Oh and I recommend you change your username. Focus on being strong rather than someone who is kicked around.

HUGS