Yes, Gritt I got it. Very good suggestions on how to keep my mind off of H.
You are right about the attachment and interaction with H. The hard part is I hear about him everyday from our D13.
She is also going through a terrible time. She wants him home too. But anyway she talks to him by phone almost everyday and if she doesn't hear from him she asks me why do I think he didn't call her. And there I go again thinking about him.
I can't tell her not to talk to me about him, because she is very confused about everything. I want her to know she can come and talk to me about anything in her life.
Sometimes I think it is a lot easier if there aren't kids involved to get detachment.
I suspect, though I am not sure, that your c wants you to stop thinking about your h and perhaps do something diff for a change. She does want to help you for yourself but YOU want HER to help you save the M. There's a disconnect somewhere in that story...
As for your d, show up for her fully please. Do you wonder why SHE obsesses about why her dad doesn't call her, or what he's doing? My d13 would not do that if her dad didn't call her. She'd assume he was busy or not smart enough to know what a cool kid she is and he'd be a loser to miss out on all this. Do you Wonder who your d learned that needy behavior from? Doesn't it bother you to know you taught her this? You must change and let HER see that. Forget your h for now. Let your D see the changes so she knows that wounds like this are not fatal or eternal. YOU MUST TEACH HER THIS. Otherwise she's programmed to "be depressed" like both her parents...
Please, listen to the song "Because of You" by kelly Clarkson to see how your d may feel in 10 years. I do tire of your excuses, no offense. If you don't think you're life is worth or deserving of better than this, then for God's sake, do it for your d. LIVE A LIFE WORTH LIVING, and stop thinking about your H OR YOUR M...
Yes you can detach and GAL and not give up on the M but making it about saving the m is NOT detaching AND IT IS NOT GAL...can't you see that by now? That's why I don't get your anger at the C. I suspect you wanted a magic answer from her too....hence the focus on YOUR H's condition, MLC and whether there's an OW, and for her to show you "how to save the M" etc. No one, NO ONE can "save your M" b/c we don't know if it's salvagable. We don't know! It might be, someday. IT's not right now. You are not in a position to make it work anyhow. You are not well enough anyway! I mean, The level of focus you have on him at this point in time, frightens me. You're not bringing anything to the table as a partner, so why would he go back to you if things are going to be like this anyhow? What's better now, than before? Why reconcile, from HIS standpoint? Are you guys having fun times he misses out on or are you morose and needy and do you guilt him when you meet up? You think that's an attracting tool? FYI-it's not. But please, Your daughter...please think of her A LOT more.Detach and GAL and a PMA NOW...and leave the M in God's hands. This really is not complicated. If you must speak to your h about your d or money issues, do so calmly and do not engage in angry discourse. The calmer you are, the stronger you'll appear, as it's a control thing. The one yelling is the one losing. But don't contact him if you don't HAVE to and IF and when you do, keep in on the topic at hand such as the financial aspects or the d. NOTHING ELSE and absolutely stop threatening and stop apologizing. No R talk of any kind for the near future. j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, D13 was very very close to her father, and he called her every night. That is why she was upset, because she had called him and he didn't answer his cell and then turned it off. She was suppose to see him the following day and that's why she was calling him. But he never called, told her he was busy and that's why she got upset.
She is very smart and called him a liar after she stopped crying. I told her that he wouldn't lie to her (of course I lied), and maybe he wasn't feeling well or something. Once she calmed down she said "Oh well".
Yes, I probably contribute to her being obsessed about him but trust me they were always side by side and he always answered her calls and told her when we were together how much he loved her and since the separation and how much he misses her.
All of a sudden he starts acting funny, and she knows this. She just said last night that she was hurt because he didn't call her and she had to call him. She asked me, what is more important than me that daddy has to do anymore. I just told her that right now he isn't himself, and to give him time and he hopefully will get better and be his old self again towards her.
She was fine with that. Except she told me she is getting tired of him lying to her about not having money for her, and other stuff that goes on that she catches him in.
I don't want a magic answer from C. Although in the beginning of this mess, yes I expected her to tell me what the heck was wrong with him. I know now that one can do that now. It's just that she is always telling me to find another man to take my mind off of H and that he is not worth fighting for and that will help me forget about him. To start dating etc.
She was helping me with my panic attacks though. So that is working. She tells me stories all of the time about WAS's that don't return and that in all of her years of practice that if they don't return within a few months they aren't coming back. So with the panic attacks she helps, but telling me to find someone else and to date I believe is wrong.
Like I said, I will go to my next appointment and tell her I need her to help me make steps to help myself and to please not discuss H or anyone else's sitch. Cause that is basically what she does and it only gets my mind going again on H.
Personally, I would find another counselor. I honestly don’t know how those stories help with your panic attacks but…
Moving forward is not moving on or giving up…
Moving forward is taking responsibility for you, for your life, and making yourself a better, stronger person…
So that eventually you can move on…
Out of MLC land, into a future that is full and bright and shining…
With a healed heart and head…
Who will be in that future with you…
No one knows right now…
But that is way down the road, over the hill, and around the bend, which is way to far forward to see right now…
As far as your D, that is something else you can’t control…
Her R with her dad is her R with her dad. While you can try to help her understand, that is really all you can do…
She is old enough to have a good idea of what she sees as normal and abnormal behavior and while it sucks, that too is something that they will have to work out…
All you can do is be there for her and be strong for her, and do your best to help her deal with her emotions regarding it all…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
her stories don't help me with my panic attacks, she tells me what to do while having one and how to control them.
And yes it does suck for my D. She will tell me that he is in a good mood for a while and then sad again. She also said he will yell for no reason or for just a little thing that she did.
It is very hard on her, but she loves him and misses him so she goes with him whenever he will take her.
Just wondering.....how does someone know if it is a MLC or just depression or something else?
We don't know. That's the point. You have to cope with what comes and not necessarily be able to name it or diagnose it or treat it in THEM...just treat yourself for whatever ails you. That's a lot for now. Even now, with 2-3 years down from our sitch, I cannot tell you what my h was doing or thinking or why. So I call it an MLC...am I right? Who knows? It changes nothing for me and us.
I would waste zero time and energy worrying about what to call HIS problems, and focus ALL of your energy on you and your d... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
