Doc, Your advice is sound and useful. It's interesting that you bring this up. The other day when my W and I took the dog to an animal communictor, a piece of advice that I remember is that we are lead to the dog in the direction we want him to go, versus telling not to do things (sound familiar?). This fits well with DB techniques--Act As If I have the wife I want, and the marriage I want versus waiting for it than acting like a H.
The Act As If approach fits into my spiritual beliefs in that one must love and tame the devilish thoughts and emotions that keeps us stuck. This makes sense, is hard to do, but must be done.
In our dance performance, our teacher wants us to find a way to connect with the audience. I'm picturing how our dog plays with my W and I when we're practicing. Our dancing draws our dog in. Thinking of my dog will put me into a playful spirit, versus worrying about screwing-up.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
John Gray in Mars & Venus writes that " A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships."
I've not been one to pursue friendships. One of the reasons is that I've been embarrassed about my personal life. However, I've been wanting my W to pursue friendships, to improve the quality of her life. She has to some extent.
In the spirit of Acting As If, maybe I need to allow her to pursue friendships with other couples, much like we did when we went to lunch with a couple from our dance studio. During that lunch, the topic of vacationing together came up.
My fearful, worrying side thinks about all the different ways it could go wrong. I'm too preoccupied with how they will view me, my W, and our M. Again, my inclinitation is to avoid venturing into something potentially positive, until it seems safe to do so.
I think opportunity is knocking. My W is giving me a chance to move things forward. I need to live life now, and allow positive people into our lives. I preach to my W lately about how we need to keep negative people out of our lives, and invite more positive people in. I think she's on board with this one.
I've been too passive in the past about pursuing friendships, and have let her determine the extent we would be social (which was hardly ever). Our social life was stagnant (my W and I talked about this recently). I have to be flexible enough to allow this to happen, because opportunity is knocking, and my W wants to answer.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL, less thinking, more doing, its simple.I remember your wife didn't like being introduced as your wife or someone asked you if she was and it caused you problems, did that happen with this new couple? Remember all couples have problems to some degree,don't worry what they will think of yours,thats just looking for problems! Whilst your on a roll can we set a date for when you will deal with the bedroom problem, just be our secret, no pressure! OK then, I take it that will be a no-lol but stay on track or I just might have to come looking for you!
The ONLY thing in life we have no choice in is dying. EVERYTHING else we choice to do, we do not have to get dressed in the morning. It is our choice. Of course if we don’t we are responsible for our own actions and well... walking around naked could land you in jail... What I am getting at here buddy is if you choice to keep living the way you are that is fine. But then you can’t complain about your situation because that is how you chose to live. If you don’t like how your sitch is then change it. Of course there will be consequences to your actions and you will have to live with them.
“In the spirit of Acting As If, maybe I need to allow her to pursue friendships with other couples, much like we did when we went to lunch with a couple from our dance studio. During that lunch, the topic of vacationing together came up.”
This is great AS LONG AS IT INCLUDES YOU.
“My fearful, worrying side thinks about all the different ways it could go wrong. I'm too preoccupied with how they will view me, my W, and our M. Again, my incineration is to avoid venturing into something potentially positive, until it seems safe to do so.”
Buddy who the hell cares how they view you? If that is an issue then they are not people you would want to associate with anyway,
NO FEAR big guy…If you want to do this THEN DO IT…
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc, As I write, it's clear what patterns I have that need to be changed that aren't helping me or the M--fear of intimacy, fear of rejection (this is a general theme for me that goes beyond the M). These are longstanding patterns so aren't easy to change. As has been suggested, I do need more of a balance between thinking and doing.
I also have work to do on forgiving myself for the mistakes I've made in the past, and for my difficulties in changing in the ways that are needed.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, Doc, Naej, Matilda, and DB Friends, My W has been praising me for the dance performance team. She said that she underestimated the level of commitment I would have. She loves being my partner. I told her that I would be happy to sign-up for the next opportunity that arises at the studio, while continuing to perform with the Hustle team. She also said that I seem to be doing better than her at it. She thinks it has been a growing experience for me (and her).
Our studio performance is this weekend. My confidence continues to grow with each practice session. I know the routine well enough that I'm able to start having fun with it, and be more expressive.
I've ordered a library copy of "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner, a Jewish rabbi. I need to find a way to make peace with the betrayals, sleeping elsewhere, disappointment, mistakes, distance, and unpleasantness in our marital history. We seem to have the opportunity to move forward, but I have to deal with my own emotions and reactions at this time. I think I need to do it on my own, thru church, reading, and writing.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, I think you may have mis-understood me when I said Just do it. What you say are “patterns” (--fear of intimacy, fear of rejection)
I prefer to call them Habits. AND habits are not easy to change. But you know what? If you focus your mind on what you want. Fill in all the blanks and make a picture of what you want… Things happen. Our mind works in pictures.. We don’t remember words.. we remember pictures… Think about it. If you fell into a mud puddle, and later thought about it.. Do you see the words “I fell into a mud puddle” in your head? No you see a picture of yourself falling into that mud puddle. Like I said.. if you really focus on what you really want things happen. For instance..
Have you ever bought a car…lets make it simple and say you got a yellow VW bug. THE minute you drive off of the lot all you see are all of the yellow VW bugs people have. Did they get them after you did? No it’s just that you did not notice them before. BUT now your mind is focused on Yellow VW bugs…. Habits take a long time to change. But if you concentrate on what you want hard enough opportunities will pop up. You recognize “your habits” and that is a great start… in my case I thought and had the habit of distancing myself from my wife’s “activates” like I figured she did not want me in her life outside of family. I found out she was on face book. It first I looked at it as “her sandbox” and I would not be welcome there. Recognizing my habit I decided to go ahead and send her a friend request. .. It took a couple of days and there it was…she accepted me. I felt like I had my foot in the door… then later looking into her profile... I noticed that she did not have anything under “relationships” Ok so the old Doc kicked in again and I thought... She does not want anyone to know she is married… But… the new doc... Went ahead and listed on my page that I was married... AND I put her name down as my wife… Well with face book when you use someone’s name it sends a request to them asking them if it is ok… Again it took a few days but guess what? She accepted my request... AND not only does it say her name as my wife of my page… On her page it has that she is married to ME with my name….. I focused on how I wanted to break though that wall she had around her world and POP the opportunity arose...
CL it takes baby steps buddy… Look at your fear of intimacy…..take it a little at a time…Picture yourself sitting with your wife watching T.V or during one of your dance practices (when you sit down) putting your arm around her. Think how good that will make you feel and I guarantee when you do walk into the room and your wife is sitting there you will think about it and just put your arm around her… That’s it…..a little at a time…Picture your wife standing at the sink washing dishes…. And you walking up behind her and put your hands on her hips and ask her if she needs any help….. It will happen… NOW you can’t go over board and take every opertunity to put your arm around her but hey every now and then and IT WILL BECOME A HABIT NOW this does not work if your spouse does truly hate you of course but I think you and I are in a situation that our R needs a jump start buddy…………Your and my wife are still around for some reason…If they truly hated us they would have left long ago…
DOC
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
