Not Sure Where I Am

[RedHeadWife]

All right, guys, I need some advice here, please.

I'm to the point of feeling like I have done all the work in restoring this M to the point of exhaustion and I still don't feel like it's *right.*

I know everyone is going to suggest he's having another A, but I'm almost to the point of not caring. You see, I KNOW he knows if it happens again, that will be IT.

Anyway, for my H to seem as if he's not interested in S is very unusual and that's exactly what is happening right now. That's what's bothering me right now. He isn't touching me the way he usually does around the house & he isn't initiating at all. The not initiating isn't really the unusual thing though. He's always been higher drive than me and that was part of our problems to begin w/, but I've made sure that we've been having S on a regular basis ever since we "worked things out." Anyway, here lately, it's just like he's not even interested or cares whether it happens or not.

Sometimes I just feel like a second class citizen in this house. Like I'm here to do my "job" and since it's being done, than everything is kosher.

I just don't know what to think or do anymore.

[Lotus]

I only know one person who can answer your question: your husband. Have you asked him what is up?

[RedHeadWife]

No b/c I'm tired of always being the one to try to *fix* everything & know he gets irritated when I start asking what's going on w/ him. Like I said things haven't ever truly been "right" and so there have been other times when I've tried to talk to him about things & just always says everything is fine. He's told me he "knows when I start looking for things" when I feel things are just not quite right & wondering what's up, so I've tried to act like nothing is bothering me.

Over the weekend our son wanted to sleep w/ dad & then the next night he said since he slept w/ dad last night, he wanted to sleep w/ me that night & I fully expected H to veto that, but he didn't & I said "what, are we celebate now?" and he just shook his head & laughed & said no. So he knows I'm wondering what's up, but hasn't initiated any contact or anything.

But then tonight during our family prayer time before bed he prays that he is thankful for the 4 of us and can't imagine life w/o us. What's that about?

Like I said, I'm just so tired of living this way. I guess I still feel like I'm on egg shells at times. I still feel like he has the "upper hand" b/c I still get fearful when I think of losing him.

[june72]

OK, you have to talk to him. To hold this in will do no good. That or go into spy mode if your gut is telling you something.

I hate that feeling like he still has the upper hand, I know what you mean and I hate it. It's like you somehow want to do a power grab, make sense?

[RedHeadWife]

I just still feel like I'm not good enough for him. That he chose to cheat (numerous times) and I have to work really hard to keep up w/ what is "good enough" whatever that may be. I know that is ridiculous, but that's just how I feel. I lost a lot of self-respect during the whole D sitch & haven't gotten it back.

Thanks for responding June. I'm going to go check out your sitch.

I know I need to talk to him. Maybe the time will be right this evening after the boys go to bed. Last night he said he was exhausted & went to bed (the first night since sleeping w/ our son) and nothing happened. We haven't had S in about a week or so, so I thought he would be chomping at the bit. It's not like him to not want S or seem to be at all interested in whether it happens or not. I just don't understand this. Of course there could be someone else, but I'm not getting the gut feeling that there is. I almost just feel like he's not attracted to me anymore or something along those lines.

[dday101798]

Hi Redhead,


I'm kind of in the same boat at the moment. Just burnt out, feel like I've been doing all the work, and likewise have not had S with (x)W in over a week, where she is the HD and me not so much, yet last, I was the HD and everything seems to have come to halt.

I also can relate to your feelings about the D. The one year anniversary of mine is around the bend, and it's chomping at my sanity, very very badly. I let (x)W know that, and her only answer is "you need to get over that". Yeah, easier said than done.

Conversely, (x)W thinks that I AM the one who'd rather be with someone else versus her?

[june72]

Haha! Dday with the red headed gal talking to redhead wife...

[dday101798]

Haha! Dday with the red headed gal talking to redhead wife...

LOL, true, true.

[RedHeadWife]

her only answer is "you need to get over that".

This is so typical. They just want to sweep everything under the rug and forget about it. That's so very hard when our hearts have been literally torn to pieces with everything that happened. H said so many cruel things to me & I'm just supposed to forget that??!! Like it never happened?!

Maybe I should send an email -- what do you think dday? Email or try to talk to him? I guess that way I would be able to put my thoughts down on paper & not forget what I was going to say when the time came to say it. I've lost count, but I've been at this for what about 3 years now since D bomb? Something like that!

[dday101798]

What do I think? Two things:

One, I reminded myself of a couple of sayings that kept me sane through everything and lost sight of lately, one of which applies to what my (x)W is trying to say, in her own "elliquent" way: scars remind us of where we've been, but do not dictate where we are going. And of course, the serenity prayer.

Secondly, I would write everything out first, purge your thoughts and personal injections to keep the message clear. Then deliver it verbaly, at the right moment, which for me is out of the blue, when I feel comfrotable with her demeaner.

As for forgetting everything that happened....

I at least know in the case of my (x)W, she has not. Good times or not so good times, I know it torments her. Like I said, she is ever so parinoid now that one day I'll just have had enough, give up and walk out the door. She may just be right to an extent. This time , I am watching my butt. I am buying a house solely in my name. I keep the cars, solely in my name. If and when she gets the steam to ask me as she should for re-marriage, she will sign into a pre-nup (as I asked the first time). Why? Reason one above: my scars are reminding me of where I've been.