Yes it's ME (robx) and I'm looking for advice...

[Steve McQueen]

"Do you think it would make a possible reconciliation more complicated, or less complicated?"

see you ruin it by even asking that question.

Here is a quote from your very first thread:

Since we have been separated, I think it has given her time to begin to experience what divorce would look like. I think she is enjoying some of the freedom, but doesn't want the loneliness.

I am being vague on purpose.

[Vulcanized]

I agree that everyone has to make the decision that's best for them when it comes to dating while separated/still married. I think the best piece of advice I was given was from a friend of mine who is divorced (and did date while separated) and was in the form of a question.

He regretted dating while separated and asked me to consider this question....

"Do you think it would make a possible reconciliation more complicated, or less complicated?"

In my sitch, H made it much more complicated when he banged OW in my bed. And then painted me into a corner, so that the sanest decision was for me to move, since he refused to. At this juncture, I don't give a flying fox that my OM is added a little bit more complication to the sitch that my H has entirely orchestrated.

H is a big boy. H f*&ked other woman; turn about is fair play. Had H kept his word and not had A, I'd have kept mine and not done the exact same thing.

[Glimmerman]

Ruined_No_More

I agree that you made the decision that was best for you. An A is not part of my sitch, so I don't want to pretend that I can relate to your sitch.

I posted the quote from my friend because A's were part of their sitch. They tried to reconcile, but couldn't get it done. I don't know details, but I respect his question.

[Vulcanized]

Ruined_No_More

I agree that you made the decision that was best for you. An A is not part of my sitch, so I don't want to pretend that I can relate to your sitch.

I posted the quote from my friend because A's were part of their sitch. They tried to reconcile, but couldn't get it done. I don't know details, but I respect his question.

Hi G. Please don't think I was taking you to task, that wasn't my intention. I post what I'm doing, as it is relevant to me. It may be relevant to someone else, or not. The reader can figure that part out for themself.

Prolly should start my posts w/a disclaimer ...

[robx]

So RobX, asking this honestly, how do/did you navigate dating other people without developing romantic feelings for them and falling in love? Or how did you let them know you weren't looking for anything long term? And did you find you needed to settle a little, meaning choose to date people that weren't of the calibre (sp) that you wanted for a long term relationship?

I guess every person is going to be different,
I just wouldn't develop romantic feelings and fall in love that easily. Say for example you meet new employees at the workplace, do you develop romantic feelings and fall in love with them during your first introduction and meeting? I know I sure as hell don't ;-)

I have dated 5 different women in 1 week (a different date per day) and I didn't develop romantic feelings for any of them, there was possibly some physical attraction but not enough for me to want to pursue it (they all wanted 2nd dates so maybe they were operating from a viewpoint of scarcity, not many good men left, etc.). Mind you I was employing a different mindset, one of abundance vs. one of scarcity. I have so many options now in front of me that I can be picky and choosey and when you have that attitude you will take your time in deciding what's best for YOU. That's the mindset to have: YOU HAVE OPTIONS.

That's similar to the mindset of a WAS.
They don't want you anymore, they feel they have options, they want to experience what's available, etc.

NewMama, do you really feel you're going to fall in love on your first date with a stranger? A usual first date is simple: meeting up for some coffee or going out for some drinks. Does coffee and introductory chit chat do it that easily for you? I guess everyone is different. From my own perspective I can walk down the street and be physically attracted to a dozen different beautiful women but that doesn't mean I'm going to fall in love with every one of them.

Let me know what you think about this.

[timehealsall]

I agree that everyone has to make the decision that's best for them when it comes to dating while separated/still married. I think the best piece of advice I was given was from a friend of mine who is divorced (and did date while separated) and was in the form of a question.

He regretted dating while separated and asked me to consider this question....

"Do you think it would make a possible reconciliation more complicated, or less complicated?"

In my sitch, H made it much more complicated when he banged OW in my bed. And then painted me into a corner, so that the sanest decision was for me to move, since he refused to. At this juncture, I don't give a flying fox that my OM is added a little bit more complication to the sitch that my H has entirely orchestrated.

H is a big boy. H f*&ked other woman; turn about is fair play. Had H kept his word and not had A, I'd have kept mine and not done the exact same thing.

The thought of dating/finding someone new has crossed my mind a number of times. I can't deny that. My H did have an A and I feel that if I went out and dated, it WOULD indeed complicate things. My feelings would be compromised. Perhaps I would be distracted and probably not view my H in the way that I did (meaning that I probably would realize that I didn't want my H). I think about how H viewed me while he was in his A, how when I cried or broke down or was in pain over his betrayal it didn't phase him.

It didn't phase him because his feelings were already compromised. He had emotionally checked out of our M and was now emotionally vested in the R with the OW. For me, it was adding to the problem.

NOW, ALL sitchs are different. While we all share alot of the same pain, we have difference specifics in our sitchs.

[robx]

I agree that everyone has to make the decision that's best for them when it comes to dating while separated/still married. I think the best piece of advice I was given was from a friend of mine who is divorced (and did date while separated) and was in the form of a question.

He regretted dating while separated and asked me to consider this question....

"Do you think it would make a possible reconciliation more complicated, or less complicated?"

In my sitch, H made it much more complicated when he banged OW in my bed. And then painted me into a corner, so that the sanest decision was for me to move, since he refused to. At this juncture, I don't give a flying fox that my OM is added a little bit more complication to the sitch that my H has entirely orchestrated.

H is a big boy. H f*&ked other woman; turn about is fair play. Had H kept his word and not had A, I'd have kept mine and not done the exact same thing.

The thought of dating/finding someone new has crossed my mind a number of times. I can't deny that. My H did have an A and I feel that if I went out and dated, it WOULD indeed complicate things. My feelings would be compromised. Perhaps I would be distracted and probably not view my H in the way that I did (meaning that I probably would realize that I didn't want my H). I think about how H viewed me while he was in his A, how when I cried or broke down or was in pain over his betrayal it didn't phase him.

It didn't phase him because his feelings were already compromised. He had emotionally checked out of our M and was now emotionally vested in the R with the OW. For me, it was adding to the problem.

NOW, ALL sitchs are different. While we all share alot of the same pain, we have difference specifics in our sitchs.

Again you are making assumptions,
no one is asking you to fall in love on the first date,
no one is asking you to go out on 2nd and 3rd dates,
the idea is abundance and you are still viewing this with a one shot/one kill approach. Are you really that convinced that the first person you date is going to be the next love of your life? Seriously? Trust me, if you go on a date with that attitude, you are going to scare that guy away and you won't have to worry about the 2nd date, dating is just that, dating, it's not a long term relationship, it's meeting someone for the first time and enjoying the experience of something new. I think you're still operating from a mindset of scarcity, explore your options, the mindset to employ is that there are many, many different people out there for me, maybe I should meet a few of them and learn from and enjoy the experience that it brings.

[futureunknown]

I agree rob, folks are looking at this way too black and white. There's a whole spectrum of "dating". The goal is to get back out there and experience legitimate interest from the opposite sex again. Doesn't mean you have to do anything about that interest, just experience it to know it's there. Assuming your ego has been shredded by an infidelity situation, it's an important part of healing.

[timehealsall]

I'm not making assumptions. I'm giving my opinion, from MY point of view. I get your point of view. To me dating is different..

And obviously you're not going to fall in love on the first date BUT you can be attracted enough and like this person enough where you can see yourself possibly wanting more out of just dating with that person after a few dates. I do believe that men and women do things differently and have different intentions, especially with dating. Like I remember when I first started to date H and I just wanted to see him, more and more..we both did. I remember him telling me he was falling for me after a few weeks. The feelings of excitement to see him. Don't you think that developing feelings like this for someone else is something that would be good?

Also, I believe that you have to be of a certain state of mind to be able to go out and date without attaching. Being vulnerable and emotional and start dating is the worse thing you can do to help your sitch IMO.

[newmama]

Robx, it makes sense that if you go into dating with the mindset of just having fun, not looking for something serious, AND you date multiple people then you can avoid getting too attached to someone.

Haha- I never have fallen in love with someone on the first date! But back in my dating days (not that long ago- 2002-04) I dated a bunch of guys, felt good, wasn't looking for anything all that serious, yet there would always be one or two that I would want to get to know better. And that I would see potential for a relationship with. This is after a few dates...and phone calls...but I wanted to be in a relationship eventually so maybe that is the difference. If you don't want to be in one, then I guess you don't allow for the frequent correspondence and you make sure you don't see them too often, right?


Now my other question- what women are you going after? Do you purposely avoid women that you think have qualities you like/want in a long term relationship?

BTW I am thinking about internet dating- you get to read their profile first so there are ways to see if the person shares common interests etc.

I