2 years later it's still not getting easier

[Augtan]

Thanks Whitney! Glad you are still on here! I mean, I wish none of us were here but, you know what I mean!! Lol!

I think.. had I not allowed the sex to happen, I would have not felt so empty and sad, but I know I would have been somewhat that way, regardless!

I have not had any contact with him at all for 4 days now! I know that doesn't sound like long, but since the OW has been gone that is a long time for us! We haven't even texted or emailed about the kids! I can't even stalk him on facebook anymore cause my D changed her password so I can't see his page anymore thru her! I know that sounds nuts, but he is obsessed with facebook and I could keep tabs on him that way. Each day that I know nothing about him, it gets easier and easier. So, good for you that you have been doing it for a month, you are doing great, keep it up! I think you are 100% right that it makes it easier

You have helped me a lot! Wish you were closer and we could get together to vent...there are lots of us out there but hard to find, sometimes I think we should wear a "scarlet letter" of sorts, so we could spot each other and be there for support!

How did you get thru your 1 yr anniversay of the D? Mine is coming up in a few days, so not looking forward to it at all, not an anniversary I ever thought I would experience!!

A

[whitneypinch]

Hi there,

Glad I can help anyone out !

I know exactly what you mean when you talk of making it 4 days. In the last 2.5 years I have never gone more than about 4 days. Like I said it's been about a month of me not initiating but we still have contact. My ex has tried to be a bit chatty but I usually just kill the conversation. I don't know if I am doing the right thing. What I do know is my ex is never coming back. There really is no reason for her to do so. She leads a very charmed life with anything she wants afforded to her.

I miss my 2 little kids like you can't believe.

As much as I would love to be intimate with my ex right now I can't possible imagine the pain and emptiness that would bring after. So, I feel for you.

I have to see my ex on Saturday at my kids school fair. Not looking forward to that as I will also be surrounded by all the other parents that we are both friends with.

My ex contacted me a few days ago and asked my how I was. I could not even answer her so I just answered about a kid issue that was also in the email. After I responded to the kid question she emailed me again and asked "if I was good?" I wanted to scream NO I am not good our family is destroyed and I miss everyone....but I didn't. I just said I am good, thanks. She wrote back "glad to hear". It's like she has no idea of any of this.

Ya, try not to look at anything like Facebook etc. I used to torture myself with that stuff. It's not worth it. My ex has also been in the paper and magazines as she is very social.

To tell you the truth the whole divorce papers etc. did not bother me so much as I was in denial that all of this was even happening. I really thought she was going to wake up and we would be a family again. Unfortunately I now know that is never going to happen.

I too am really bitter now. From what I understand I am entering the last stages of the grief process. Hopefully I will be able to let go soon.

Ya, my friends and family don't really want to hear about it all anymore so I do wish there were people around to talk to.

So many of us survivors are uncomfortable about saying that we lead lonely lives now. When I don't have my kids I just walk around in a fog trying to fill my time.

A few weeks ago I got an text from my ex on a weekend she had the kids. She wrote "I hope you are having a nice weekend". She meant it in a positive way. Can you imagine??? I ended up writing her back saying yes my weekend was going ok but it would be much better if I was with my family. She never responded.

Sorry I am venting as I am feeling really down right now....I don't have my kids tonight.
To tell you the truth I am just feeling overwhelmed.

[TulsaTime]

I hear you Whitney.

1 1/2 years for me. My wife just emailed me tonight saying she was going to hire a new attorney because this was taking too long.

Jesus, this has been a nightmare. The loneliness is incredible. I wish I could drown it all out with another woman but I am simply not interested. I cannot foresee when I ever will and that is scary.

I miss my kids too. A man NEEDS his family to be whole. It gives him purpose in life and a reason to give it his all.

May God help us.

[whitneypinch]

TulsaTime,

I am so sorry.
When I read your post my heart just sank as that is EXACTLY how I feel.

I am not interested in any other women either, not at all.

I agree that our family gives us purpose.

I just think that we have only one life to live. One time on this earth with the most precious gift of our children. Once they are grown we don't get that time back.

We will all get through this somehow.

[Augtan]

Whitney, how did it go on Sat.? I am now 7 days with no contact but an email he sent regarding the taxes and I only replied "ok", don't think I have ever done that! It is hard to sit here at work cause I am logged into IM and so is he, but I resist and make no contact at all, even about the kids!

I am coming closer and closer to realizing that although I wish I could have my life back, my family whole, etc. it would never be the same if I did! He is not the same person and is still in MLC big time, it's just that now the OW is gone. I thought when the OW dumped him, he would snap out of all this and want to come home. Not the case.

It hurts that he can act like our trip never happened and all that went with it, and is just off dating and doing his thing again without a thought to me or the kids. But, that is who he is now and I have to find a way to accept it and keep moving forward. He is one man in this world an although he was suppose to be my man and my husband forever, he isn't anymore. He seems fine with it, so why can't I be?

I agree about the time with the kids and all. I have tried to get this across to my ex, that he is missing so much with the kids for no reason! He just doesn't care! He enjoys living like a 21 yr. old now, but one day he will regret it all! I don't know how he couldn't, it might not be until he is on his death bed, but I can't save him. I am seeing my kids grow up each and everyday! I am sad cause my D17 is going to live with him for her senior year. But, I want her to be happy and be with her friends that he forced us to leave behind when he did all this to us. My kids should have never had to give up anything because of his choices, but they have had to give up the most and he could careless. I don't want a man who can watch his kids be miserable and suffer because of him thinking he deserves to be "happy" more than they do! What kind of father is that? He has sat back and watched their whole life have to change for one reason, cause he wanted to be with a that ho and live in a fantasy world with her instead of reality with us. Where is she now? No where to be found, but I'm still here holding on to a shell of a man from 700 miles away! Something is wrong with me!

I have such hate for him right now, but I contiue to pray for the hate to end again. I move close to forgiveness and then something happens to bring back the hate! Oh well, I could go on and on!

Fill me in on what has happened with you!

A

[whitneypinch]

Thanks sooo much for thinking about me and my day on Saturday.

Ahhhh..I too have been dealing with the emotional roller coaster. Lately I have been really bitter. I tried so hard to be happy when I saw my ex and I was. Then I started to get resentful watching her interacting with all the other parents. She is very happy now. I overheard her telling one of the parents all the stuff our daughter is into now and all that she does with our daughter. It's like I have been completely erased.

At one point I was watching my son play a game and my ex came over and stood next to me and watched. I wanted to tell her "why are you standing here when you are not wanted here" but I didn't.

I could tell my ex was picking up my coldness and then she started to get cold to me. At the end she said bye to each of my kids and turned and walked away. Did not say bye to me. I felt like yelling you #X@!!! you were the one that abandoned our marriage and destroyed our family, how dare you give me attitude.

Now, on a positive note. I saw a very attractive mother at the fair. I asked my 7 year old daughter who that was. My cute daughter said "daddy, that's Cole's mom and Cole does not have a daddy, you should go over and say hi to her".
So... I got up all the courage I could and went over and introduced myself and told her what my daughter said.
So......hmmmm....I kind of like this woman. This is the first time in over 2.5 years I have felt anything for anyone else.

Damn, my ex just called and I let it go to voicemail. She asked that I give her a call.
I am NOT going to. I will send her an email in a few hours.
Not very happy right now !!!

[censored], she is calling again !!!!!

[whitneypinch]

Good for you Augtan, with the NC, and responding just with business tones.
Prepare for him not liking the new you and your aloofness. This is good for our exes to feel what it is like that we are not hanging on their ever whim.

I know we would love it to all work out but it's time for us to to focus our energy where it is reciprocated and appreciated, period.
If they can't at least cross the line to us then it's not worth all the heartache.

Try to stay strong. I have "almost" contacted her a couple of times but did not and felt much better the next day.

I would suggest you get another IM account and let your friends know. You ex can email you.
My ex and I used to Skype and IM and I started to expect it. That's when I started to get hurt that she didn't contact me. Now I don't ever IM or Skype her.

It's all part of detaching.
Even 7 year old want's me to get a nice girlfriend !!!!

[TulsaTime]

Whitney,
Are you in the alt?

[whitneypinch]

I have heard about that but I am not there ?
Should I be?

Well, I just found out why my ex was calling.
She was calling to tell me the cottage that I spent 2000 hours building has been sold.
So I now have no where to take my kids.
They are going to be crushed.

[Augtan]

Wow! They just don't get it at all! Today, my divorce has been final for 1 year! Probably the best anniversay he has ever had! Still no contact! I am getting angrier and angrier today! We have no money and I got totally screwed in the divorce! I am getting bitter that he is just living it up while I can't even pay the water bill. In the divorce he was to make the house payment, well.. once it was final he let the house go to foreclosure, my name was on the house too, so my credit was ruined. Now I can't make the car payment that is in his name and he has the nerve to send me an email saying that it isn't fair for me to ruin his credit by no paying the car payment and that I agreed to do it in the divorce and that it isn't his problem that I can't make the payment! I about levitated out of my chair...!! He can do whatever he wants, but when I am just trying to survive, I am the bad one!! Amazing!

I am sorry your encounter didn't go well! But, awesome about the new lady! So cute of your daughter. My kids tell me all the time they want me to be happy and that their Dad doesn't deserve to be happy! I hope you ask that woman out, you deserve so much better than such a cold woman! GO FOR IT, what do you have to lose?

My ex comes up here in a week!! I had told him he could stay with us, but now that is off the table. Not sure if he is aware of that or not, but since he doesn't speak to me, IM me, or email me..I assume he knows! I just wonder if he has even given my kids any money to get me something for Mother's Day this Sunday? Doubt it!

Well, keep me posted on the new love interest! I have one, but he lives where I use to live, we never get to see each other. So, I am still looking for someone more local at least to date sometimes for something to do!

A