True, and I've read on these forums that it can take a while. I didn't know how significant the fact that my W has shown absolutely no interest in R in 2.5 months was. Other people on these forums sometimes have an ambivalent WS who can't make up their mind if they want to be with spouse or OP. And I have to keep reminding myself that NC is counterintuitive. You'd think I should be contacting my W trying to put my best foot forward, but that'd just let her have the best of both worlds.
One more quick question, please: Do I just keep going forward with the divorce arrangements (finances, etc.) assuming it's going to happen? Thanks.
Yes, but I certainly wouldn't lead the charge, if being D'd isn't what you want.
There's a difference between "commitment" and "compliance." You do have to comply, but your wayward wife is the one committed to running hell-bent away from her marriage and family. Let her lead the D charge.
PDT: I let her lead the charge toward D the first two months. Nothing much was done, which was fine with me. When I found out the full story of her A and that she was moving in with OM, I decided to take the D lead with a lawyer because she obviously was not turning toward me but away from me. I felt I needed to protect myself in the long run. My W makes more money than me, and we just had a conversation about splitting our finances. I don't think she liked my suggestions, which were not unfair, because she became a little angry. I think she thinks I'm trying to take advantage of her, but I really think she's worried about how she's going to support her OM, whom I don't tnink has a job.
WS's very often use anger to control their spouse.
The LBS asks for something The WS gets angry The LBS worries the WS may leave them for good The LBS then falls over backwards to please the WS The WS stops being angry The LBS then feels more hopeful
Its classic enablement... Very often duing the DB process your spouse will show ANGER... you have to learn to accept it and NOT let that control you.
If they want something unreasonable and get angry, just LET THEM... don't back down on that or they will keep using that tactic to manipulate you
WS's very often use anger to control their spouse.
The LBS asks for something The WS gets angry The LBS worries the WS may leave them for good The LBS then falls over backwards to please the WS The WS stops being angry The LBS then feels more hopeful
Its classic enablement... Very often duing the DB process your spouse will show ANGER... you have to learn to accept it and NOT let that control you.
If they want something unreasonable and get angry, just LET THEM... don't back down on that or they will keep using that tactic to manipulate you
Allan A,
Here goes a classic WAS script:
LBS asks for "need" which hasn't been met by WAS in a long time WAS gets angry, deflects and blame LBS for being selfish LBS tries again, being reasonable mentioning "this need hasn't been met in X long" WAS gets angrier, chopping down LBS hopes LBS backs down rejected
WAS was getting that "need" met outside the R.
WAS's usually get angry when you ask or demand them to meet a standard requirement of marriage. WAS is usually happy when LBS picks up much more "yoke" of the load than they should take so they can get more pleasure out of their "cake eating".
While WAS is "cake eating" they obviously do not want to be bothered with their marriage.
Yes, but my point is that LMW needs to be careful of the response to their WS` anger.
The default response is to go gentler or back off entirely... during an AFFAIR, this is NOT constructive :
Originally Posted By: LightMyWay
I don't think she liked my suggestions, which were not unfair, because she became a little angry. I think she thinks I'm trying to take advantage of her, but I really think she's worried about how she's going to support her OM, whom I don't tnink has a job.
LMW, IGNORE the anger, they WILL use that to manipulate you into being a doormat if they can.
I am NOT saying be impossible and beligerent back, but I am saying that if you are confident you are being fair, do NOT back down from the anger and do NOT mirror it... just IGNORE the TONE of what WS is saying and stick to your guns... WS will stop showing anger once they see it isn`t working.
You all are being great sources of help and inspiration during this trying time.
During NC, if the WS brings up something about our marriage and her feelings, sends an e-mail, for example, should I engage and respond, or ignore and continue not talking about our relationship or her affair?
I don't want to pressure and push her away, but I don't want to miss a chance to talk about issues that might lead to healing and reconciliation.
