And the man that I am dealing with, is different. I mean really different. He got his chance with me. And -wait you wont believe this- he is trying. He is loving and caring and IN 100%. THAT gives me strength to go on trying to get over the lies and his A and that gives me hope.
This is the same for me. When W decided to work on the marriage and give up A, things changed in a big way. We are not yet to the marriage we want. I still hurt from the affair and she still feels guilty and wonders if I will ever "let it go". But we work together to get past those feelings. However, we both realize that those feelings are echoes of the past and not our current reality.
But when things changed, they changed in a big and noticeable way over a period of a few weeks. I don't know if it happens the same for all who reconcile, but this does seem to be a commonality between Kalni and I.
I think you are asking me about how I came to the realization my W was in an A? For me it was very easy and as I learned more about affairs it became even easier. Here are some hints that let me know through her words that she was involved with someone else.
Comes home telling me about guy basically hitting on her, complimenting her... Guy is not attractive so I don't think much of it.... come to find out physical attraction is not important with affairs... it is mostly about the emotional connection
The last year she has been very involved with work, lots of things going on their, our emotional connection has become almost non-existant.. we are basically roomates taking care of kids and everyday life. the things we usually enjoy just aren't very enjoyable anymore... our marriage is basically dead.
Early oct. i get the ILYBINILWY = i care about you, but i'm not excited about you.. and often means i'm excited about someone else.
Doesn't know what she wants needs space, wants me to move out... i can date, she doesn't want to ... she doesn't think she will ever get married again... Needs space = needs space to find out if OM is what she really wants
My friend sees her at Target store with the man i am suspicious of. She admits he is getting a divorce as well and they talk about what they are going through... admits she has feelings for him... is having at least EA with him... and could see dating him in a couple of years....
Couple months later find LOVE note to him in garbage... how he is everything she needs, that she is sooo excited to give the best of her to him forever.... nice.
I am not a jealous person at all. When a jealous person becomes jealous, which I was from the very start, their is usually a very good reason. It has been 4 weeks since I have exposed the love note to her and her family. She is back in reality and we get along very well. She has told OM she needs space and we are thinking of going to retrovialle in a couple of weeks to see what the future holds. Without exposing, I guarantee D would have been filed by now.
At the time I found the love note I was done trying. However, I did dig through the trash to find the note because I was absolutely fed up with the lies. Who knows what the future holds, but my feelings for her are coming back, we have very positive interactions now, hang out alot and I do see a chance where we could make it work... Hell if we can make it back through this, what can't we make it through right?
At my worst and most negative point, I started as "Alive and Kicking"...I'm not saying I'm better than you, I am saying that it helps to stop seeing yourself as a pathetic victim and even if you feel like you are, at least start to envision and present yourself as in a better place than that. One foot in front of the other.
maybe this is why i can't seem to find my way out of the toilet bowl. it's like i can't see myself in a better place.
i stopped going to IC for about 4 weeks. last week, i restarted. my anger took over and i could hear myself complain about the same things over and over again. i just want it to stop.
when i asked you how you came to the realization point, i was more asking about .. what happened when you found the note? you said that at that point, you were done trying. then what?
how did you go from "done trying" to reconciliation? if you were done trying, what changed your mind about taking her back?
When I found the note i was relieved. I wasn't mad or jealous one bit. I knew exactly why she was on a rampage to get divorced. yep, we had/ have lots of problems but the biggest one was OM.
Well i wouldn't say we are reconciling yet. We hang out alot, laugh, are friends... I know who my wife is and I am really trying to put myself in her position when this happened. I consider myself a person that has extremely high morals and character. However, If an attractive woman were to have complimented me, admired me, and gave me everything that I was desperately craving in my life, could I have resisted? I would like to think I could, but I really don't know.
If an attractive woman were to have complimented me, admired me, and gave me everything that I was desperately craving in my life, could I have resisted? I would like to think I could, but I really don't know.
This is all about boundaries and understanding consequences. I have no problem answering this myself even in my situation: it would not happen while I am married for certain. It's a boundary I have set for myself. People with high integrity do not become romantically involved with people they are not married to, and they certainly don't have sex with them.
Apart from the boundaries, there are consequences: self-loathing, guilt, bringing home an STD are all possibilities. That is all without even considering the feelings of my W.
I haven't always had such clear boundaries, but then I didn't get married when I knew I had a problem setting boundaries.
There is no excuse for this kind of betrayal. It is simply wrong. It is never right, and you should not be enabling such behavior by making excuses for it. It's wrong. Period.
That doesn't mean you can't forgive somebody and move on leaving the bitter feelings of resentment and betrayal behind. You can, but an A is never right. Period.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
At my worst and most negative point, I started as "Alive and Kicking"...I'm not saying I'm better than you, I am saying that it helps to stop seeing yourself as a pathetic victim and even if you feel like you are, at least start to envision and present yourself as in a better place than that. One foot in front of the other.
maybe this is why i can't seem to find my way out of the toilet bowl. it's like i can't see myself in a better place.
i stopped going to IC for about 4 weeks. last week, i restarted. my anger took over and i could hear myself complain about the same things over and over again. i just want it to stop.
Look, I was nearly suicidal. I saw no path that was acceptable. I complained, I cried, I had panic attacks. And I also knew somewhere that people go through all of it and survive and eventually feel better. So, I didn't know how it would happen and I couldn't see a vision of a life I could accept but I knew it was out there somewhere. It is still a struggle not to fall back in the toilet, I do occasionally but I just don't believe that I am destined to be miserable forever. Nope. Most days are more good then bad. It is a choice I make over and over. Life is short, I am going to make the best of it.
With "unwilling", circumstances and time can compel a person to make changes.
Can. Possibly. Not definitely. That's why in my mind it's not really that different. There is no way to know IF someone will ever change. You make decisions based on past and present experience. Trying to make decisions based on possible future outcomes isn't going to do you any good.
FWIW, I too am a child of divorce. It's not ideal but children do survive. BF's parents are still together and he's just as messed up from their relationship. As far as I'm concerned it's a wash.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 05/03/1004:39 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
