I know what she meant. I asked him what his ideal was and he was honest. It was not his actual expectation (at least I'm pretty sure).
As of now he is "confused"...he will not jump into the marriage with both feet. He is still attached and loves me and does not want to file for divorce but can accept if I do, he knows I have been patient. He is a flirt and that is just the way he is, he says he has that public persona because he feels like nobody...(this is all paraphrasing what he has told me).
He is a showbiz guy, into image and is working far away, far removed from me and the kids and our debt and reality. He wants it easy, he wants what he wants when he wants it. But he sent flowers on Valentines Day and wants to be THAT guy too. He gives me most of his money (to cover bills etc). He wants to talk almost every day.
Anyway, I get just enough to keep my from filing. Even now, I can feel that he is getting nervous since I laid it out for him.
He is a child. He would need to seriously get some help to grow up and be a real husband. I'm just so f*cking exhausted dealing with him.
And, he's a lucky SOB that I would even consider being with him after all of this. He's impossible to live with and frankly I can't stand him in so many ways by now. But I would still do it. If he was in, I would stretch myself and I would step up, honor our commitment and be in too.
When do you just accept that a WAS is not just unwilling but incapable of being all in? I don't want to give up on him, I love him but...he's blowing it.
Just a few quick thoughts as I am pressed for time right now. This is a very interesting topic.
DBing is in the first instance, I think, a way of putting the brakes on a vehicle that is sliding down a hill. Once the brakes are applied and the downward slide is averted, you have to begin the work of getting back up the hill. It may take a while. The vehicle may be stalled and it may be obvious that the other partner doesn't want to be in the vehicle with you. But you are in the driver's seat because you are the one who wants the vehicle to keep going up the hill.
But the brakes can't be on all the time and there must be forward , upward movement at some point. If there was any "settling" before, that settling must be addressed by both persons in order to move forward. In a sense we all do a little "settling" because we will never find a person with every single thing that we desire in a partner. There is no perfect M because there are no perfect people. On major moral issues there can be no settling because that is a recipe for disaster in a M. After the dust has settled, you are easing off the brakes and the disaster has been averted, you must be in agreement that you are headed in the same direction.
I don't think that the concept of DBing encourages settling in the long term. Perhaps you "settle" for somethings in the interim while trying to get matters stabalized. I don't think that this is really a DB concept in any event. It is a marriage concept - for better or for worse. I may "accept" a certain state of affairs knowing that that may be the state of play at the time but that I would not settle for that situation ad infinitum because I have the expectation that the issues would be addressed in order to have a healthy M. Some issues take time to be resolved and sticking in there while giving the situation that time is not settling in my view. The point is that there must be some resolution and that requires genuine work from both parties at some point.
M is really meant to be a beautiful thing where two people are invested in each other, have each other's best at heart and seek to reach the standard that God has set for marriage. It really hurts my heart that so many people have fundamental struggles in marriage because this is so far from what it is intended to be.
When do you just accept that a WAS is not just unwilling but incapable of being all in?
Does it really matter? If he's simply unwilling to make changes is that somehow better? Or is it better that he's incapable of growing?
The bottom line is that he has learned the bare minimum you require and that is all he will do. Is that good enough for you? Do not expect that things will ever get better. They may, they may not. I believe you're better off preparing for the worst and being happily surprised if anything surpasses those expectations.
IMHO, you deserve WAY better. I have always thought that. If you decide that staying married is more important than having a fulfilling relationship then that is your choice. I understand there are children involved and you'd rather raise your sons in an in tact family. But you have to accept the consequences that go with it. The man you're married to is not acting like a partner, he's more like a third child.
If you choose to D then yes, it will be difficult. It's hard being a single parent. It's hard to make ends meet. But will you be happier without H's constant drama? Can you provide a more stable home for the boys on your own? Only you know what's best for A&K.
You can love someone but it doesn't mean they are a good partner. You can love someone and still divorce them because you love yourself more and you choose to do what is best for you.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 05/02/1009:10 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
a&k, The point I think you are missing is that what you are talking about the way you describe it is NOT a marriage my dear.
This is exactly what I was thinking when I read it.
Okay guys, let's get real. No one comes here with what any sane person would classify as a marriage. I read about husbands spawning with lovers and wives ignoring their husbands for months on end. The whole logic, in my opinion, is that we are trying to revive a marriage that is nearly dead from the moment we arrive here. So, I don't even get what the point of that comment is.
Kalni- thank you for the kind words. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I read your thread and though "enough!!! She deserves so much better than this." And now it looks like you are in piecing.
I have wholeheartedly believed at points that my H and I are just in a phase and that we will ultimately end up together. It is very difficult to let that go. We had a wonderful holiday all together as a family. When he was in town, we were together as a family and it was the best. He obviously has redeeming qualities or I wouldn't be wavering.
The question for me is, am I pushing a square into a hole? And I thought that in your sitch too Kalni (though I haven't looked at your sitch for a while). I saw how tired you were of wearing the pants and having to constantly manage and be on your toes. It is exhausting. I want to breathe, I want someone I can lean on a little. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life drawing water from a stone.
I love it that you dont beat around the bush with your words...!!
The reason for my comment was and is that you dont sound like DBing anymore. And the way you describe the situation it is different than the point when we all find this site. You ask yourself, if what you are getting is enough and whether you are settling. So, I assumed -sorry- that you think this is it. This is what I was offered, this is the best my DBing got me, what do I do?
Last year I was like you, asking whether he was incapable of changing and I should shut the f@ck up and take it for my kids, my finances etc etc. Turned out, what I was getting was what was left from my H that was still in R with the OW he never had agreed existed. So there was a reason for the little he was putting in our M. Not an excuse, a real reason : an OW. Now we are in piecing. And the man that I am dealing with, is different. I mean really different. He got his chance with me. And -wait you wont believe this- he is trying. He is loving and caring and IN 100%. THAT gives me strength to go on trying to get over the lies and his A and that gives me hope. We are far from having a good M. There are days we do. Some, not so much. The difference is, that in the not so good days, he is the one that is patient and doenst give up. THAT is big. He says he wants our M. He says he wants to make it better than before. He is doing things to prove it. Now, if he was again telling me, he is confused and didnt know if he could change...well, then I wouldnt be here. Of course I've been around 3 years and that probably means I have served my time in Dbing.
What I am trying to say is, that I think you are where I was last year. I dont know if it is another woman or his job or something else with your H, but in order for you to have a chance for something better, something has got to give. In my case, I found out the truth, in your case? I dont know.
Accepting what you are accepting now, sounds sick, stressful, unfair to me. And I say that AFTER being there (to the point that things were similar). Which means I am not judging you, so dont get offended. I am only pointing out, the way you sound and the way you describe things, there must be a turning point soon. If you continue like this, it will become status, much harder to break. And I am talking mentality, philosophy. K
PS The nice days with the kids, family trips etc all took place last year. All along, I felt I was settling, sacrificing me for them, thankfully, not anymore...
Dumped- Please, please change your screen name and stop signing off as "dumped." It is so negative and counter-productive for your perception of yourself and your forward progress. It pains me to read that. Just my two cents for ya.
if i change my name, i'd likely pick "left behind".
i feel very negative for most of the time. i don't know if i have hit rock bottom yet. i want to wake up and say .. enough is enough. no more whining, pouting in the corner. or as my friend said to me .. get out of the toilet bowl.
Dumped- Please, please change your screen name and stop signing off as "dumped." It is so negative and counter-productive for your perception of yourself and your forward progress. It pains me to read that. Just my two cents for ya.
if i change my name, i'd likely pick "left behind".
i feel very negative for most of the time. i don't know if i have hit rock bottom yet. i want to wake up and say .. enough is enough. no more whining, pouting in the corner. or as my friend said to me .. get out of the toilet bowl.
You can stay in the toilet as long as you need to but if you wont even change your screen name to something positive, how can anyone help you?
You've got to know that even if you don't know how it will happen, things will get better.
At my worst and most negative point, I started as "Alive and Kicking"...I'm not saying I'm better than you, I am saying that it helps to stop seeing yourself as a pathetic victim and even if you feel like you are, at least start to envision and present yourself as in a better place than that. One foot in front of the other.
Overall, I am doing very well and I see a beautiful life for myself. I feel pretty strongly that I will divorce my H.
Whether it is an OW or work or whatever, it is a choice on their parts. What if there is work or OW or some other distraction in the future? I get what you mean about the truth helping you come back together (I experienced that before when my H left once many years ago). He came back committed and won me back and I trusted him. We all make choices as to what we will allow into our lives and to impact our families.
Kalni- I hope for you that your H is not still in the cycle of trying to win your approval and meet your expectations rather than create a genuinely fulfilling life together because that is what he values most. If you are in it, I say make every effort to go 100%, trust, laugh, love, live your life as harmoniously as you can. It will be worth it no matter what the future holds. If my H expressed a desire to try, to fully commit, even after all of this, I would go all in. What do you have to lose? As of now, my H is straight up saying he is willing to lose this marriage rather than try. So, I think the fat lady is singing for me. They are just words and he will be back...I am pretty certain of that but I'm so f*cking tired.
I don't hold DB responsible for my marriage or the results of my "work"...I honestly think that most of the marriages on here will eventually end but for a very few where the individuals BOTH do the hard work of growing up and changing.
I know I can't shut up and take it for my kids. I pondered it for a while. It is not true to who I am or my values. It is difficult to pull the plug especially because, as a child of divorce, I know that the drama never ends...the ex and all of his baggage impacts my life indefinitely. What I do get in divorcing him is being master of my own life and divorcing myself from the expectation, hope, prospect that we will be together. It is me creating a life for myself and my kids and being available to new relationships.
Kalni, I think you did settle for a long time. I did too. Whether it pays off in the end remains to be seen. I have nothing but respect for you for hanging in. I respect myself for doing it too. I just don't know where the end point is, it sure feels like this is it for me.
When do you just accept that a WAS is not just unwilling but incapable of being all in?
Does it really matter? If he's simply unwilling to make changes is that somehow better? Or is it better that he's incapable of growing?
The bottom line is that he has learned the bare minimum you require and that is all he will do. Is that good enough for you? Do not expect that things will ever get better. They may, they may not. I believe you're better off preparing for the worst and being happily surprised if anything surpasses those expectations.
IMHO, you deserve WAY better. I have always thought that. If you decide that staying married is more important than having a fulfilling relationship then that is your choice. I understand there are children involved and you'd rather raise your sons in an in tact family. But you have to accept the consequences that go with it. The man you're married to is not acting like a partner, he's more like a third child.
If you choose to D then yes, it will be difficult. It's hard being a single parent. It's hard to make ends meet. But will you be happier without H's constant drama? Can you provide a more stable home for the boys on your own? Only you know what's best for A&K.
You can love someone but it doesn't mean they are a good partner. You can love someone and still divorce them because you love yourself more and you choose to do what is best for you.
I agree with you whole-heartedly. It is difficult when at one moment I know sure as day that this ridiculous and that we can pull this marriage off of the cliff and then the next moment I know I need to end it.
It is no less than horrifying to take the leap on behalf of my children. He left and he doesn't have the balls to pull the plug...that is the part that is hardest to forgive. I do not know that life will be better for them if we divorce. I just don't know. It is the hardest part to figure out.
But, I'm alone. I have been for quite a while now and as exhausted as I am, I know what single parenting is and I can handle it. I have to let go of the dream and again, the much purported notion that divorce is bad and f*cks up children and that I should DB until the cows come home. I would do just about anything for the welfare of my children so it is a mindf*ck to initiate a process that "experts" say is so painful and destructive for them. Grrr....tough stuff.
