I get your point tristan and I agree that there is no one that is perfect in every way. Yes we all do settle because there is no such thing as perfect, right? in my situation there were some very real issues that we would have never been able to solve without this happening. I will never condone my wife's affair, but it gave me the time and space to really find out who i am and what i need in life. Same thing for her. Now as we are moving towards each other again, we are learning what the other need's to be "fulfilled in marriage". Many of these things I already knew, but it was lived in our lives like "well I know you need this, but your not giving me that". Now it is more of a self-less love because of this experience. If we make it back to a point where we are as good as we can possibly be, and it still feels that their is more out there, then we will get Divorced. We decided if that we give each other our best and it's not enough, then why stay in a marriage like that?
i went through the stage where i couldn't eat, sleep, or think. i still have panic attacks. d-bomb was dropped in jan 2010. i did all the things i wasn't supposed to do - beg, cry, etc. h wasn't sure at first but said it was a likely option. he asked for space, i gave him space. during that time, he consulted with his bf (male), parents, and a crisis counsellor. when he asked for space, i went home to see family for a week. i came back and he said we had no choice but to d. at that moment, i was too numb to cry, beg, or plead. i just agreed. normally, the WAS gets kicked out of the master bedroom. i said i'd move out of the bedroom. i think my self-esteem was so shattered that i felt i didn't deserve to stay in the bedroom. i confined myself to a small guest bedroom and bathroom. i started GAL. we put our home up for sale in feb and it sold in march. we both moved out in april i've had NC with h since mid-april and the loneliness is creeping in.
we are both in a city with no family. the only family we had was each other. our marriage had its ups and downs but we never fought the way most d-bound couples do. i don't remember a single time where we constantly fought or yelled. it was something we never did. we would talk about issues as they came up.
many hurtful things have been said by h. i know the advice here is to not believe in 100% of what you hear and only 50% of what you see. the d-process really brings out the ugly in most people. and it beats you down. which is probably why i feel like settling or giving up. you start seeing a side of h that you never saw before. h threw temper tantrums like a child when it came to dividing the furniture. down to the point where he wouldn't even leave me with a set of pillows. six pillows in the house, he left me with 1. i didn't fight it. it is not my nature to be fighting over silly things. it's not because i am a doormat. but because i know that material things wouldn't make me happy. would it matter if i got everything? no. i lost the most dear thing to me. and that was my h. my best friend.
after he moved out, i went back to the house to pack up my remaining belongings. he had left two pillows behind. i texted him to ask if he had forgot it. he said no. i figure you'd want a set.
like i said, we never fought the way most d-bound couples do. there was never any constant fighting. and i learned that when h hurled hurtful things at me, it was he felt the d law was being unfair to him. he had never said things like that to me during our marriage.
i was out with friends the other night, and they were talking about various issues they had with their h. and i just suddenly blurted out that i don't have issues like that between my h and m. and look where i ended up?
friends are wondering why we are still talking and during our last month together, we would occasionally do nice things for one another. we were not the typical d couple.
i'm really hurting because the process is testing my morals. forcing me to fight over our possessions so i don't walk away with nothing. when we disagree over the possessions, it feels like i'm losing hope in saving my m. am i settling? i've kept my composure throughout the entire ordeal. i don't want to look back and have any regrets on how i behaved or things i've said. i know that once things have been said, you can't take it back. i'm not trying to be a martyr. my goal is to make sure i am happy with who i am and handle this in a mature and respectable way.
but i want my h to FIL with me again. at least, my bf back.
sorry for hijacking the thread. i started writing. and couldn't stop. i just want to be heard. i haven't had a serious discussion with h about how i feel about the whole thing yet because we hadn't had time to cool off yet - we just physically separated. i want some sound advice. i get enough bad advice from friends already. i know it's easy to walk away because no children are involved. but so what? it doesn't it any easier.
About settling- I think Divorce BUSTING helps to buy time to either stall or stop the divorce while simultaneously getting us to improve ourselves so that we can be desirable people to have a relationship with.
I see this as a process to get our WASs to want us again. Once they do, then we can raise the ante as to what we need from them as well. And all of us have seen ways that our marriages could be better, so we can start to work on getting that marriage once the WAS is back.
I could see "settling" temporarily while we are waiting for the WAS to return...but it is the price we pay if we want to bust the divorce!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Maybe it's my phrasing. I don't blame DB and I don't have regrets. I got so much out of it. There are just a couple of components that bother me for where I am NOW which are the illusions that 1) I should strive to "save the marriage" which I have done on paper and 2) that I can impact H's behavior more than I can. Each spouse has his/her own pathology and if that person does not want to change or deal with what are usually complex psychological issues, the marriage sucks indefinitely.
I have an H who wants to be married with NO conditions. He has traveled for most of the past year and a half since he left me. He has missed all of that time in being present for his children who were used to having him every day. I have dated him, been intimate, vacationed together as a family...I have also set boundaries when necessary. I have done LRT and it worked like a charm and then as soon as he had my attention he was content giving very little to me. When it was revealed he had a girlfriend (which he actually had all of last year while he was sleeping with me and in limbo with me), I listened and we talked about it and I thought about what I can live with and it became clear so I told him that he had made his choice and I would file for divorce because I will not be married to someone who has a girlfriend (one he expressed being in love with). I am attractive, have been extremely independent and self-assured...huge 180's which he responded to, but, I cannot be a childless single famous rich chick who has nothing but time and money to dote on him. So I told him it was over. He broke up with her and we stayed in limbo.
Now, he is talking to her again, and on public forums. He behaves as a single man. When I asked him a while back what optimal would be for him, he answered to have an open marriage where he can sleep with other women but I don't sleep with other men (okay so that was wishful thinking).
I have to move this month, I have finally laid it out for him because I have to either get a place with him or without him (he's out of town so I am dealing with all of it)...he said he is confused and if I divorce him and he regrets it one day, he will live with that. He loves me but when we are together "old [censored]" comes up. Yep, when he stayed in this house with me and the kids, NOTHING was expected of him. When he was taking another girl out on a Friday night (who happens to be a famous actress), I was distressed by that and that is what he is focusing on, that I had any feelings about his behavior.
You know what people? It is called cake eating and why wouldn't someone do it indefinitely? And like a child, you can cut them off and they do whatever they can to get it back. But, if you lure a WAS back with absolutely unsustainable behavior, if they happen to be spoiled narcissistic brats, they will expect that to sustain and the bar for you and what you get out of the relationship just sinks lower and lower.
So, do I get some kind of prize for staying married even though I'm on my own and my kids are growing up with a dad who comes and goes...am I setting a good example for my kids?
This is ridiculous. I have to create a life for myself and my kids and he just takes.
I don't even believe in divorce so that has made this quite a nightmare figuratively, logistically and spiritually. So, for me personally, to come to DB and get so much reinforcement to "save the marriage" and that I am basically becoming a WAW who will likely end up broke and alone...that was a real head-trap for me. To be fair, the majority of posters on here were awesome and encouraged me to cut him off and draw a hard line. It is the MWD stuff that I got tripped up on and the men here making comments on their threads about how scr*wed their wives would be without them. It saddened me that they would even want their wives to suffer or to stay with them out of fear or opportunism.
The notion that staying married is better has been a tough one to shake...of course it is better if...x,y and z.
I don't know. Maybe sometimes the evolution IS realizing that the WAS (the original one) may have problems and demons and issues that are beyond the LBS's power or expertise to reconcile.
a&k, I understand everything you posted. I have thought many of your thoughts. The point I think you are missing is that what you are talking about the way you describe it is NOT a marriage my dear. A marriage takes two, any kind of relationship takes 2. So, drop the "I dont believe in divorce thing" and the associated guilt and change it to "I believe in marriage as a union of 2 people loving and respecting each other". If that's what you believe and I think it is, it will answer your questions about what to do and there is nothing else to it. You've been one of my heroins here, K
don't ever let anyone decide for you whether you should walk away or not. someone did give me some valuable advice: don't apply someone else's situation to your own.
i went nuts thinking h was having an affair and tried to look for every clue to suggest that he was.
throughout my m, i had no reason to believe he was. i've known my h for so long that i wouldn't give it a second thought. but as soon as people who don't know him suggest that i hire a P.I or tell me that it is likely that he is because their xh had cheated on them.
well .. the madness just took over. i think i did more damage to my goal more than anything.
you know your h better than anybody else. you know for yourself that the benefits of staying together outweighs being apart.
i applaud you for standing your ground. my story is just starting out. i know i can't jump to the end to find out if this ends in a happily ever after. the wait is killing me. but with encouragement from you, i hope to find peace at the end.
a&k, The point I think you are missing is that what you are talking about the way you describe it is NOT a marriage my dear.
This is exactly what I was thinking when I read it.
Okay guys, let's get real. No one comes here with what any sane person would classify as a marriage. I read about husbands spawning with lovers and wives ignoring their husbands for months on end. The whole logic, in my opinion, is that we are trying to revive a marriage that is nearly dead from the moment we arrive here. So, I don't even get what the point of that comment is.
Kalni- thank you for the kind words. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I read your thread and though "enough!!! She deserves so much better than this." And now it looks like you are in piecing.
I have wholeheartedly believed at points that my H and I are just in a phase and that we will ultimately end up together. It is very difficult to let that go. We had a wonderful holiday all together as a family. When he was in town, we were together as a family and it was the best. He obviously has redeeming qualities or I wouldn't be wavering.
The question for me is, am I pushing a square into a hole? And I thought that in your sitch too Kalni (though I haven't looked at your sitch for a while). I saw how tired you were of wearing the pants and having to constantly manage and be on your toes. It is exhausting. I want to breathe, I want someone I can lean on a little. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life drawing water from a stone.
Dumped- Please, please change your screen name and stop signing off as "dumped." It is so negative and counter-productive for your perception of yourself and your forward progress. It pains me to read that. Just my two cents for ya.
a&k, The point I think you are missing is that what you are talking about the way you describe it is NOT a marriage my dear.
This is exactly what I was thinking when I read it.
Okay guys, let's get real. No one comes here with what any sane person would classify as a marriage. I read about husbands spawning with lovers and wives ignoring their husbands for months on end. The whole logic, in my opinion, is that we are trying to revive a marriage that is nearly dead from the moment we arrive here. So, I don't even get what the point of that comment is.
Hi A&K,
I think that what Kalni said was "the way you describe it". If my W told me she wanted an open marriage; I wouuld have to say that is not a marriage at all. Is this what your H wants or is it just his "ideal fantasy" life. To me, if it is what he really wants; that would be a non-starter.
Is he trying to make the marriage work? Is he treating you any better than before? Is he improving in your eyes? Is he committing to you?
I can tell you that WAS can change. It doesn't become perfect, but they can decide that the marriage is valuable to them and work on it. Has this happened for you?
