Ever think this DB stuff encourages us to settle (even if it is a misinterpretation)? I so cannot believe I have tolerated the sh*t I have for a year and a half. I have no regrets and it is good that I waited but seriously, most of us deserve sooo much better.
alive, I don't know how things will shake out for me, but it appears the DB approach seems to have helped some people. Even if it doesn't work, though, I think the advice is good ... I, like, you am right now wondering (as I reminisce) how I could have been so bend-over-backwards willing-to-please when it wasn't being reciprocated. The recommendations that you be strong and take care of yourself first are good ones, I believe.
H 42 Me 47 DS 7 T 18 M 16 Bomb: 4/20/10 H leaves to live at Mom's: 4/30/20
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1990503#Post1990503
Oh, I agree and one way or the other, whether you divorce right away or wait, it hurts and takes time to heal. I am glad I focused on myself. The tough part is that the better I've done for myself, the more he paid attention and tried to work his way back in; but not in as a husband, just in enough for me to take the crumbs and refrain from divorcing.
I suppose it's just that I can't believe I have questioned whether I should settle for this just to stay married. I mean, ya, I avoided divorce, I stayed married, could probably stay married for the rest of my life. But my husband is gone and he just throws me crumbs when he sees me reaching my breaking point.
The goal has to be more than just staying married.
The one thing about DB is that all of the emphasis and statistics (especially about how scr*wed women end up being) make it really scary and depressing to draw a line in the sand. I think often of the negative comments here about how the wives "will see" when they end up with no money and no man wants them because they have kids etc.
So for the left behind women, it is an extra hurdle to stop fearing and demand better.
I don't know if that makes sense. I don't regret the time I've spent here and trying to save my marriage and my sanity. I just think that sometimes it can be paralyzing to fear divorcing (to the extent that I have).
it feels like a runaway train and you are unable to stop it. i am hurting so much right now. we just physically separated and i feel like an addict in need of a hit. i can't sit still and i can't think straight. i do feel paralyzed by the fear of divorce.
it's funny. i have no kids. i am able to support myself. i have a nicely furnished apartment with things i bought with my own money - i have received no money from our separation agreement yet.
i miss the companionship
my sitch is very weird. when h dropped the d-bomb, i left our bedroom. i figure i'd give him space. most LBS would have kicked the WAS out. i didn't. most WAS drop the d-bomb and really just want to walk away. my h? didn't just walk away. h wanted to walk away with the lion share of our assets. h tried to make up his own rules for dividing the household goods - so that he could walk away with the best of what we had.
i was too tired to fight over dishes, cutlery, and the toaster. those things didn't matter to me. they were material things that did not contribute to my happiness.
it almost seems like i'm the WAS.
i don't know what h is thinking. but i wish i could tell him how hurt and betrayed i feel. i've tried to behave respectfully throughout my journey so far.
i know some might be thinking that i was a doormat but it got to a point where i was almost arguing with a child. h threw temper tantrums when he didn't get his way. i can't talk to a person who is acting that way. i'd never get through to him.
i stayed calm and walked away with what i needed. nothing more.
i don't want to look back and have regrets or embarrassing moments where i say "i was so stupid, i shouldn't have said or did that. what was i thinking?"
i don't mean to hijack this thread. but it just triggered something in me. i'm skeptical about db-ing. i don't think it's about saving a marriage. it's about saving yourself from being paralyzed by fear.
i'm not afraid. i just want to know how to really save my marriage.
I don't know how long it has been for you but it has been a long road for me.
Every situation is weird and somehow similar to others.
Sorry to say but with no kids and being self-sufficient, you are in a great position to cut your losses. At least to take care of you and let him deal with his sh*t.
Many LBS do not kick out WAS. I can't even tell you what I've tolerated. It would be humiliating if I didn't know the hows and whys...
I was a mess last year, I am ok now. It can be done.
So, what is the situation now? I got confused with your posts?
Settling? Well I guess you can make the DB aadvice what you want. Some people may actually USE DB advice to settle without feeling they give up parts of themselves. For others DB advice means find themselves and rise through all the BS and accept the outcome. The advice IMO in general is solid, what you do with it, depends on you. Hope all is well, K
Good to hear from you. I, like Kalni, am not completely caught up on where you are now. What are you settling for? Are you and H back in the same place?
Don't settle for nothing. All of us are here because our marriage was not fulfilling emotionally, physically or spiritually. (at least for one side)We ALL deserve better than that! Is your spouse the one that can be the everything you need? Can you be that person for them? I guess you may never know. Take the time and figure out what the opposite sex needs. Learn how to be able to sustain a long-term relationship and also figure out what you need to be happy. It isn't your spouse I'll tell you that.
Don't settle for nothing. Is your spouse the one that can be the everything you need?
Be careful tjack; this sounds more like co-dependency than settling. No S is perfect, so in some sense, we all "settle". I am not suggesting to put up with infedelity or abuse, but I just wanted to point out that one can go overboard in "not settling".
By the way, I really doubt this is the case with you, A&K, or 95% of this board. Many of us are dealing with very real issues.
