MLC or not?

[Cadet]

I'm getting jewelery

I like that.

Happy Birthday CAT

[Goodfight]

Okay everyone, I guess I messed up once again on DB. H told someone in front of D13 that he wasted $20 on a dating site about a month and 1/2 ago. I blew it off because I was doing the no contact thing. Usually I would have texted him or called him crying. He also asked her if she liked my boyfriend and she said Mommy doesn't have one, and he said that's not what I heard and she said well, she doesn't. Then she said do you have a girlfriend and he said no. All I do is work, sleep, and eat. And that she could come over anytime if she didn't believe him.

I have ignored the things he has said to D13 cause he knows it will get back to me (she tells all and I don't even ask her).

Anyways I got this sick feeling inside of me yesterday afternoon and went onto Match.com and there he was. Well, I cried cried and cried. Then I called H and left a message saying he needs to get the rest of his stuff out of the house (wasn't crying) and we need to settle things on loans that he hasn't been paying his half of etc. I called him by his screen name so that's how he knew I knew he was on there.

So then he said he wants the house sold, and I told him no that we get to stay there until D13 is 18, and then he also said that he wasn't paying anymore of his part of the bills because he is broke (a big lie). He said he doesn't consider himself married and could do what he wants cause we are separated. I said, that I was following our vows and that we are still M and that he would be committing adultery and he said so what. Then he comes off with he wishes he would just die already and I said so do I and hung up. I begged God to forgive me because I didn't mean it at all.

So then I call and just apologized for saying that because I don't want anything to happen to him. Didn't go over well, and I just said that we were together a month ago and you said you loved me and he said that he didn't say it.

So I thought some more of course and thought, what do I do? I don't want a D and now I blew it. So I texted H and told him that maybe he was right about selling the house but by the end of August I'm thinking of moving to FL if I'm not in a relationship by then (which I know I won't be, because of standing).

And I don't know where he gets off thinking that I need him or want him i was just want what was was best for our child. And I think its funny how he thinks he means so much to me. I was just trying to fix things for my D13, and not to worry I don't need him for anything. And that today really opened my eyes for me and D13. Thanks have a nice life.

In the text I also told him he needs to be more secretive about his porn on the computer and the condoms that D13 found in his dresser a few months back. Or she won't be seeing him anymore.

It just seemed that all of his bull started when I stopped contact and he kept pushing my buttons and I guess he finally won.

Where do I go from here? I really want to save this marriage. Or did I blow it again big time?

[cat04]

I blew it off because I was doing the no contact thing. Usually I would have texted him or called him crying.

While you did great by not calling him, you didn’t really blow it off either…

Did you?

Anyways I got this sick feeling inside of me yesterday afternoon and went onto Match.com and there he was.

he kept pushing my buttons and I guess he finally won.

Yes he did…

Because you let him…

Where do I go from here? I really want to save this marriage.

That is not what you told your H.

What you told your H was full of threats, manipulation, and attempts to control…

Where do you go from here?

Well, GF, you made this bed, now you lie in it for a while…

Your M, the M you had with this man, is dead…

That does not mean that there can’t be a new and better M in the future, but at the pace you are going, it isn’t going to happen.

Right now, I see you as a Divorce Statistic, not a Reconciliation Story…

This is not because you stopped having contact, this is because the continued contact you do have is still full of anger, desperation, and despair.

You have had so many wonderful people trying to get through to you for a year…

I wish I knew what else I could possibly say to make you see that this is not about your M, this is not about your H and what he is or is not doing, this is ALL ABOUT YOU…

Goodluck Goodfight…

[Goodfight]

Cat, what I meant was I didn't contact him for over a month and 1/2 when he started the whole thing about being on a dating site, and asking our D13 if I had a BF.

I let it go for that long, and yes you are so right. I blew it. I wasn't thinking at all. I just got so upset and was devestated all over again.

I thought I wasn't suppose to tell him that I wanted to save the M. This is where I get confused.

[Goodfight]

I really am sorry to everyone, please forgive me. I thought I was on the right track again, but I slid off. Cat, I guess you are right. I won't be able to reconcile at the rate I'm going at, and I'm sorry for not listening and I know most of you on the site are sick and tired of me and I fully understand.

So I guess, I will pick myself up the best that I can and try to go on in life. It's just harder on me because I'm not a strong person like the rest of you are and I admire everyone on here.

I pray to become the people that you are and have become.

[Mach1]

It's just harder on me because I'm not a strong person like the rest of you are

GF....


Really?



It is not because you aren't...

It is because you don't allow yourself to be ...

The choice is yours....

You can wallow in your own misery...

Or you can get up, dust off, and do something about it...

Nobody here wants to see you fail...

My advice to you right now , is to stop being the victim, reread this thread, and all of the great advice you have ignored, and start becoming the person you need to be...


I will say though....this pity party needs to end for your sanity...

[dday101798]

I am in full aggreance with cat and mach.

GF, I'm sorry, I dont' have much time to add anything, what's been said already, is well off enough, go back, and re-read. While doing so, analyze the person you've been through all this, and how many time something similar has happened!

You need change within yourself. I don't think you're happy with yourself as a person and facilitating it on your H.

And above you said, you only want to save your marriage for your the sake of your daughter? Wrong way to go.

Back to the drawing board, and review why your here.

None of what I say here is to be mean. GF if there is a sliver of hope, you need to make some personal observations. At the same time, you need to ask yourself hard core why you want to save this marriage.

[Truegritter]

GF

Everyone here started out at probably the lowest point they had ever been in their lives. As an LBS you are fighting severe attachment to someone you have shared a life with and love. Some of us (ME) even were in copdependent relationships that are even harder to pull out of a nosedive...

BUT YOU CAN DO IT. You had the courage to come here, reach down inside and find your inner hero. That hero is going to save YOU and your M.

YOU have to come first.

Can you think of a person more deserving than You that needs saving?

Here's some imagry to help. You are the beacon, the light house, the light that shines in the distance and the brighter you shine the better H can find his way back to you. But you have to go on ahead with out him for now. And you can. You're the stronger one aren't you? You're here.

You're living this and these people here are trying to help. But it is painful to be here and work on this. Do you want to give up? Ask yourself. Are you quitting on this. You need to have your goal firmly in your grasp here GF. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Another analogy that might help you were in the water with H and he is drowning and you're trying so HARD to save him but he's so scared he's crawling on top of you and now you both are drowning.

You need to swim away for the shore and reach your hand back from solid ground and pull H out.

You are the stronger person here GF, get stronger, get better.

[Goodfight]

Thanks everyone. True, you are so right. I let his illness get to me and now I'm going down with him. In the book and says be careful this doesn't happen but it has with me.

But any suggestions anyone after I texted him what I did...what do I do now...anything? Do I let him know I didn't mean it and that it was just out of anger or do I just let it go?

To everyone else on the board that has been so kind and patient with me, I swear to God I'm not having a pity party. I hate feeling like this, I don't feel sorry for myself, I'm just clinically depressed and they keep changing my meds and this is a hard road to get out of this depression.

Sometimes I feel I pushed H out and do blame myself, so it is not a pity party and I truly want to get better for me and my kids. My friends tell me this is what my H wants to do to me, blame me for everything and you know what he won cause now he has me believing it.

[Truegritter]

Goodfight

I am going to let someone who has been down the road help you with how you communcate yourself to a better situation with H.

There is a time for you to look in the mirror and ask yourself some tough questions about your part in the M. But IMO you have to get stable first. H blames you for everything because it's easier to do that than look where he needs to be looking...

Inside himself. You just focus on you.