Thanks all for the advice and reassurances. I'll continue with LRT if for no other reason than to save my sanity and myself. Love the Dr. Phil quote. Can't wait to hear how WS and OM like a real-life relationship with real-world responsibilities. It's like they're two children playing a dress-up fantasy game now.
Outside of family and a couple very close friends, no one knows the true story behind our separation. Do you recommend telling other friends and co-workers when they eventually ask? Thanks.
Not to be picky, but "telling" makes YOU sound like a RAT and that's NOT what's happening.
Expose.. WELL... to anyone who you think may put pressure on your partner to end their affair.
Don't just expose that they are cheating.. Get the key points in :
1. Infidelity is addictive and destructive - it has no long term hope 2. Infidelity is hurting me and our family 3. I would like you to support our MARRIAGE and exclude WS and OP from any interaction from you until they stop carrying on this way 4. I want my marriage saved and will not lower myself to their level - please support my marriage and stay out of the mess they are creating for themselves
I understand sending a strong message with LRT and NC in a situation such as mine when the affair couple is in the affair fog and living together.
But, what about the article on this site about the guy who stayed his wife's best friend while they were separated and she was with OM? It's called "While Your Wife Decides" I think.
His story seems to suggest another route to take. Which is right? Thanks.
The right way is the way that works. Unfortunately you won't know what works until you try...
This is an experimental process...
Some people cannot stomach what that guy did... some people find this terribly disrespectful and incredibly painful.
That article also doesn't cover children... what about if children are involved? Should you be showing them this sort of exercise? Walk all over people because you can get away with it?
Sorry LMW, but this is a very delicate process and there are a variety of approaches, some softball like the example you reference, others hardball.
There is an argument to be made about timing too.
If you can expose this affair and put it to an end in 3 months, or enable the affair to continue, keep it a secret and watch your partner with another man/woman for over a year until it ends.. which would you choose?
There are arguments to be made that the long term battle is far too costly and ending the affair quickly is much more desirable... some argue this does too much damage in the short term...
There is no specific approach or process anyone can confirm 100% will work for you, or for anyone.
There are patterns and hundreds of case studies...
On this forum there is a distinct division between a hardball approach and a softball approach much like the one you quoted above.
There are infidelity experts that argue infidelity is an addiction, and any support for that affair is enablement and NOT helpful at all.
There are many viewpoints, experts, and a variety of case studies...
I tried softball myself for over a year and got nowhere with it... once I started to play hardball and ACT, and bring down CONSEQUENCES for betrayal that's when CHANGE for the BETTER started to happen...
I got ill, very ill... lost 30 pounds (and I only weigh 160 so that's a LOT of weight to lose)...
Right or wrong isn't the question, its what are you prepared to do, and what cost are you willing to expend to end this affair?
I understand sending a strong message with LRT and NC in a situation such as mine when the affair couple is in the affair fog and living together.
But, what about the article on this site about the guy who stayed his wife's best friend while they were separated and she was with OM? It's called "While Your Wife Decides" I think.
His story seems to suggest another route to take. Which is right? Thanks.
I disagree with that approach, and have personally never seen it work. It enables the cheater, and emasculates the left-behind husband.
Puppy, Does the same apply to a gender reverse in your opinion? That is, are left-behind wives just as open to esmasculation? Do men like a woman who knows her boundaries, sticks up for herself, and plays hard ball?
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Women have a lot of difficulty feeling attracted to a man they cannot respect. Men who play the meek mouse and let his wife and another man march all over him and make a nightmare of his marriage and a joke of his home don't get a lot of respect from women... There are men on this forum who have tried softball approaches and women on this forum have BLASTED them for being so meek on the issue.
I would think this would be the case for men to a smaller degree... I don't think a woman who plays softball and lets her husband walk all over her will score many points with the WS male either... though yes there is a difference, I can't see it making over much difference.
Respect and love are interrelated to a degree... Long term, unless they are seriously ill, your spouse will look on you with respect and love... or disdain and bitterness.
Short term men and even women can ignore the importance of character and integrity, but I can't fathom that lasting long unless BOTH people are seriously ill.
Puppy, Does the same apply to a gender reverse in your opinion? That is, are left-behind wives just as open to esmasculation? Do men like a woman who knows her boundaries, sticks up for herself, and plays hard ball?
I think it's especially hard on men, but I think it's devastating both both sexes to sit idly by and wait for the cheating spouse to choose them.
No, men do not like weak, needy women. At least not emotionally healthy men!
Now, if a woman can convey a strong sense of "I've decided to stand for my marriage, and my patience isn't without its limits. I don't want a divorce, but nor am I going to allow you to disrespect me and our family by doing X, Y and Z," and then lays out some good strong boundaries for X, Y and Z, then I think the "standing" thing can be pulled off without conveying weakness. But in my estimation of studying these things, I'd say maybe 15-20% of women come across successfully this way, and the other 80-85% come off as weak doormats.
i have not read the entire post, just going to give you my opinion based on what happened to me:
if i could do it all again, i would not have pulled back as i did. i pulled back without even knowing what divorce busting was. i said, if he wants to up and move out, let him, im not chasing him. let him miss me, let him wonder. yeah well, that didnt work. it allowed his relationship with psycho ow grow deeper and deeper.
did he come back to me? yes he did. did he leave again? yes he did.
but he did say something to me that sticks in my head, he said, "i didnt see you fighting for me when i first left."
i didnt know at the time of his affair, i wish i had the courage to see it and face it. had i done that, im sure it would have ended although i cant say it would have saved our marriage or that he wouldnt have done it again.
i think you did the right thing exposing it. i think how u go from here depends on how you normally handle things and i cant give the right answer to this.
i was a doormat it seems. as much as i didnt think so, i let him do as he pleased. in the end, no one likes a doormat.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Update: Need some advice and reassurance, please. About 2.5 months since our separation, and about 2.5 weeks since I found out W moved in with OM and decided to try NC. No indication from W during entire time that she's interested in reconciliation. I'm ambivalent myself. Part of me wants to try R; part of me doesn't. Should I continue NC? By doing NC, I've not been able to present a positive image of myself to W because there's no interaction. Should I accept that friendship is probably the only possible outcome for us? Thanks for all your help.
