"All rise"

[antlers]

Hi FIB. We can only hope that 'what goes around, comes around'.

[NoCodeBlues]

Frank, I got the same from my ex. After years of claiming she could never get me involved in our children's activities (which was never true), after the S she suddenly complained I was too involved -- and said that it was impeding my ability to provide full attention to my work, and that I didn't need to lose my job. Basically, she wanted me out of the picture regarding our kids (I also took this to mean she felt my only worth to her and our children was as a mere paycheck.)

But during the child custody battle we were forced by the court to attend a session with legal counsel on co-parenting after D. The core of it was a course on Do's and Dont's. We also got to express our positions before this court-appointed mediator and were given some reality checks about our newfound situation.

I think this one afternoon-long session was one thing that really got exW to start to open her eyes. Her viewpoint has for some time been that husbands are optional and fathers are to simply walk away from their children following D. After the meditation/training she still holds this basic view, but her words and actions in this regard have been attenuated.

Partly because of the thin ice she saw that she was on regarding her overt actions to exclude and alienate me from our kids' status and activities (failures to disclose parent-teacher meetings, making unilateral decisions about the children's education and daycare, etc.), exW began to be more careful in how she handled these matters -- not perfectly or with due respect, mind you, but enough that I began to notice. And while this was likely preparation to clean up her act prior to moving forward with her custody suit, since the time she settled the case a few months later, she has still maintained her attempts to at least appear to be doing the right thing -- a few infractions aside.

I guess I'm saying that talking with the court-appointed mediators has helped stemmed exW's steamrollering over me with complete abandon, and replaced it with more careful and grudging (if not totally sincere) compliance.

So, I offer this as a possibility to you: would the court system in NY consider sending the both of you to some form of mediation and/or co-parenting counseling? Your HSTBX (hopefully-soon-to-be-ex) sounds just as ludicrous as my exW was at her worst. And such waywards really need a serious wake-up call, as such a session might offer.

Otherwise, as they say, document, document, document. (I know you know this.)

[faithisbelieving]

Thanks for the suggestion NCB. STBXW and I were mandated to a P.E.A.C.E. program early on during the start of the D process. Honestly, she violated nearly every principle taught in the class.

I don't believe we have any mandated post-D courses or classes here in NY. Again, I truly doubt that STBXW would be able to make any positive changes..even as small as your xW's...in the near future.

FIB

[BeginningAgain]

FIB,

Sorry I don't know your entire story other than it sounds like you have been through one hellish nightmare. I'm curious - why is your STBXW so very, very angry. Someone who would go to the destructive and childish lengths that she is doing has a tremendous amount of rage and anger in them.

BA

[Bworl]

She's mad because FIB actually chose to divorce her.


FIB, this is really important my friend, because I'm picking up a truly nerve wracking vibe from your stbx.


You HAVE to have your lawyer settle the living arrangements and custody issues in as clear a detail as possible. She needs to have it spelled out what she can and cannot do, and what she can and cannot withhold from you.


I too would suggest, through your lawyer, that the two of you be mandated to attend co-parenting classes - again, if necessary. You shouldn't have to attend together of course, but I would seriously look in to asking the judge to order that it be done by both of you or risk being in contempt of court.


I don't trust her as far as...well, maybe she can be thrown pretty far....I just don't trust her.


Lord have mercy...you have to get away from this woman and soon. She is absolute concentrated hatred. I think she's been chugging on that nasty goo that was under the streets of New York in the Ghostbusters movie. Dang...


Stay you my friend. The best response is the truth, firmly, and unshaken. You can lash out against the truth, but you can never defeat it.


Strength - duh....and Honor- always.


Bill

[poet]

Hey FIB,

Please don't mind me highjacking, but, Bill, could you - please, pretty please come visit my thread at "This train: rolling down a no-come-back track?"

Thanks so much,
poet

p.s. What in NEED is comments on my mediation and the WAS, not all the extraneous other stuff. Thanks.

[smith18]

PS...I had totally forgotten that Sunday was our anniversary, a far cry from 4 years ago. That was the 'last one'. FIB

Good job on forgetting.

I am wishing you much ease in moving forward in your new life as a single dad. It is a shame that your wife may never lose her bitterness. Much of that is probably because of her own parents, but it is much easier for her to blame you.

Are you still a Mets fan this year or have you gone to the dark side?

[bright_new_day]

Thanks for the suggestion NCB. STBXW and I were mandated to a P.E.A.C.E. program early on during the start of the D process. Honestly, she violated nearly every principle taught in the class.

I don't believe we have any mandated post-D courses or classes here in NY. Again, I truly doubt that STBXW would be able to make any positive changes..even as small as your xW's...in the near future.

FIB

My X also violated every principle covered in the class I attended, then questioned whether I had gone when I didn't blindly go along with something ridiculous he wanted (I can't even remember what anymore.) I tend to agree with you Frank, some people, including your STBXW and my X, are incapable of seeing what they are doing as wrong. They have somehow cast themselves as the victims, and we are the villains. Trying to reason with them is an exercise in futility. Don't waste energy that could be better used enjoying your children!

[Gardener]

fib,

Bunny, Gardener, Geronimo....I kid you not. That's the deal.

How would you like to try and go with your daughter on a 1 1/2 hour lunchtime field trip to the local library...and be painted as trying to limit your income?

FIB

Please don't misunderstand, I was (probably inappropriately) responding to the "throw the yogurt in her face suggestion."

You have my support, prayers and admiration for enduring so much for your kids' sakes.
Sorry if I offended with my inappropriate attempt at lightening things up for a moment.
I apologize.

[faithisbelieving]

Gardener...no offense was ever taken. Sorry if that came across.

To Beginning Again: The main cause of my wife's anger, IMO, was basically the following:

• The State of NY requires one to find fault with the other person unless you file for a year of separation. It was my opinion, after spending 17 months here, reading Dr. Grey's book, reading the pdf on infidelity that I quoted way back and looking at my STBXW's pattern of behavior, that my marriage had become destructive, unhealthy and not salvageable. Therefore, I felt divorce was a better option than separation. My only choice then, was cruel and inhuman punishment. That requires writing 30 things to the state, quite a repugnant thing to do to the woman you wanted to spend a life with. I told her repetitively, as bworl knows, that I didn't want to do it and that separation was NOT an option for me. We either went to work on the marriage or I was done. She chose NOT to work on the marriage.
• Next, based on my STBXW's behavior, I filed for full custody. That sent her over the edge
• Nothing was in her name...the car, house, etc
• Prior to filing, in order to keep the house out of foreclosure and liens, I refinanced. I discussed this with her but she claims I did it behind her back. She went nuts. We had retained realtors and were going to put the house up for sale but the market went bad. I refinanced and got another HELOC (thank G-d). She has bitterly attacked me on this throughout but it has kept the house free, clear and out of foreclosure (of course, she doesn't see this and blames me for everything).

So, I am either a surgeon who takes care of sick people, was recently asked to be a candidate for the medical board and is the most hands on loving dad in NY (well, along with all the other great loving dads here)

OR

I am a lazy no good POS who limits their income so that they can go on their daughter's field trip, is vile, disgusting, a liar and hoodwinked her into thinking I was a good man and kept her in a marriage that was a lie; there was never any chemistry and I pushed her into the backseat of a car for a one night stand yada yada.

I'll let you all make your own decisions.

FIB