Here's another question? LOL Does anyone go or have gone to card readers? Just curious.
Thanks Mach......Don't know if H has an OW the past 3 weeks or not but not up until then. I was just wondering. Wasn't sure if it was all part of the MLC or not.
Received this from a person that suffered from depression and became an alcoholic but is now a recovered alcoholic and thought maybe this would help some of us out. They say that MLC has depression through out the stages so here goes:
The following I am going to say might hurt a bit, but you asked me for an honest answer so I'll give it too you.
Why can I say this and know so little about you, and doctors are probably telling you that you are depressed. It is becasue of your question. At the heart of your question you are seeking understanding of your husbands actions, which are plan and simple driven by depression. Something you find hard to understand or get. This tells me that you don't have depression.
Because people like me, and hte sounds of it like your husband do suffer depression. It is an evil mental decease. And it is so hard to describe it, every persons depression is unique to them, like their own personal hell. But it does have some similarities. I really won't go into details, as it could be the basis of a novel for each person who ever where to try and describe their own personal experience of depression. SO imagine what it would be like for me to describe it to anyone, when I only have some vague pictures of what it is and how it works, and those impressions I am afraid are unique to me.
But at its most basic K, what I think might help you is to try and understand what is going on generally within your husband.
At its simplist level your husband is clinically depressed and is Insane. Yeap he is 100% dingbat mad. His brain is no longer functioning at anything like what you would understand is a normal setting. At its most crazy level. An Example, its silly one, but its just for illustration. If for the last 12years your husband was offered a bungee jump, and he is scared of heights and is not that type of trill seeking person, he right/normally would decline. In his current state he would say yes, adn he would do it. And you know something he would have no f***** idea why he is! But to him at that time when he was asked, seemed like yeap, thats a perfecttly normal thing to do. Why has he done this, you ask yourself, its not like him. But he never does these type of things..And you quite rightly would ask him. And if he was been honest, he wouldn't know really himself, but it seems like a good idea!
We both know its dumb, and here is the evil part of the insanity of this decease, part of him knows this as well. But he feels compelled to do it. And do know somethign he does it!
K I know above sounds crazy and it is crazy but it just a simple extreme example of what is going on in your husbands brain. If we said your husband was normal so his brain is 100% normal, and he is then the man you know, love and want to be with. When you go deep into the pit of depression your normal functioning brain goes into decline, and get replaced by for want of a better word by your INSANE brain, and this is the depressed side. AS this side wins more and more, your husband for want of a better word is slowly turning into another person. (This depressed person will be unique to him and will have its own unique destructive drivers, but trust me these drives are destructive.)
At it most basic, depression as an insanity, want to isolate you, it tells you know one loves you, it tells you you are not worth loving, and that the world would be better off if you where dead. Anyone who trys to tell you different is lying to you, and really they are only out to get something from you, so f*** them, and hurt them before they can hurt you.
Depression is only one of the very few known mental disorders that ultimately wants is sufferer dead. And it will do everything in it power to kill you.
And do you want to know the really evil evil part of this decease. As the depression grows stronger and takes over more...There still is always in you a declining % of your brain that is normal. And it comes breifly comes to life, and its like your normal being is come back to normal, and you try adn stop whats going on...But as the depression takes more control, those period become breifer and breifer...But this side of you brain is always inside you telling you this is wrong, all these thougths are crap, and that you need to get help...But because you depression is now controling 80% of you brain. It lets you think the thoughts, but it doesn't let you do anything about it...So now you are f*****. Because you depresive side is just torturing your sane side of you brain...
Why does it do this, f*** knows. But it does. Now that I am recovered, I think i know why it does this. Because I nearly committed suicide. And you know something I was close. And I think the coup de grace with depression, is that its not the depressed sick side of your brain that makes you commit suicide. Its that final sliver of sane brain that you have left functioning. And for just a little while is get control. And it makes what is quite a sane decision. To end it all.
Why is this sane. Well if you know all the things you are doing are wrong, and you know you are causing pain to your nearest and dearest. And you can see there seems to be f*** all you can do about it. And your depression has sold you the lie that its all your fault and that your a worthless shite bag. Well really why not end it all. You stop you pain, and more importantly, you stop the pain you are casuing all the other people around you, and they will be better off without you, and they have a chance to be free of this shite head call yourself.
Wow, I think I went on there for a bit. But K that is just the tip of the iceberg called my depression, your husbands will be something different. But it will be running a similiar course.
He is slowly losing all control of this thougths and actions. So him running away in a strange depressed view of the world, and act of love. Cause he is trying to stop casuinig any pain to others. But he is insane in the truest sense of the word.
And I am afraid this is where I kikc you in the teeth, there is absolutetly nothing you or anyone else can do about it. NOTHING. You or anyone close to him can only help him when he admits he's in the grips of the horrible decease, and he needs help. When / If you ever get that call, answer it and Help him. But until that point you have to save yourself, and you have to tell him you are there any time he wants to make that call. But your not going to live tru this agian with him. But that you will do everything in your power to help him the minute he ask for it. And you gotta tell him you still love him, and you know this is not him, this is his is Insane decease called depression making him do all these stupid things.
And then you pray, that his sane brain was listening and something got tru. The you wait for a call. Either for Help, or to inform you he's dead.
That is where your at. Sorry but you asked. And I've tried to convey what I can. I could go on for hours. But this man you called your husband is no longer with you. A man with a depressive demon is talking to you, and preforming all these hurtful actions. THIS is not the man you married. That man is in there he's very tired, he's very alone, and he is shitting a brick...
BUT take away my last part, Depression goes in Cycles, and it Break! He will get better he will be back as teh man you knew and loved. Its a case of time, and him asking for help.
Well, H had D13 for the weekend and asked her what was new? She said nothing. He then asked her does she like mommy's boyfriend and D13 said Mommy doesn't have a boyfriend. Then H said to her well, that's not what I heard. Why do you have a girlfriend? And H said no, all I do during the week is sit here and either eat or sleep.
Now all of you know I don't have a boyfriend. WTH was he thinking? Can't figure out where he would ever hear that, I don't go anywhere.
But I'm finally doing something with myself. I'm going away in June for the weekend with my brother and his wife. I guess it's a start.
Cat, that person went through it for 4yrs. He was trying to explain to me what my H is going through. I thought maybe it would help some people here too. To understand what their WAS's are going through.
Is that all you think that it would allieviate some of his guilt? Just wondering because my GF who knows him very well said that she thought he was wondering where he stands.....if there is any hope in me taking him back or working on our M.
I know that none of us can read minds....that's for sure but people on here would know more about what H might be thinking since they are going through this also, or have gone through it and reconciled and their S's told them how they felt.
H hasn't paid on his part of our loan that was due on the 25th. He has been on time and before the time it was due for the past 6 months.
I don't want a late fee, can't afford it.
Anyone have any suggestions how I can word this to him without him getting mad.
When I use to text him about it just as a reminder he got mad and said he knew when it was due and there was no reason for me to remind him each month. That was six months ago, so he started paying it on time. Now, here we go again.
Don't know what to say without him getting mad since we have been texting back and forth with civil conversation.
I decided to pull this over here, because I didn’t want to hijack SA’s thread anymore…
First,
Thank you for the birthday wishes. It is actually going to be a very good day I think, although I have never made a big deal about my birthday. Just another day. But 38, well it is the new 28 so maybe it will be fun…LOL
Now something I wanted to address…
I know I have been sort of tough on you…
I won’t apologize for that…
I am just sort of blunt most days…
One thing I have noticed is that you keep commenting on you “doing things wrong” because of your faith, or what seems logical, or for whatever reason…
Please try to get that out of your head…
It is self defeating…
We ALL make/made mistakes…
It is part of this process…
There is no one size fits all answer, what works for one person, but not for ten others, still might be worth giving a shot, you just never know…
However, that being said…
It is ok to have questions and concerns and to contemplate different courses of action. And just because it doesn’t work, does not mean it was WRONG.
It becomes wrong when you have LEARNED it didn’t work and you keep REPEATING it anyway.
I also realize that the Faith thing can be confusing. Because faith tells us to love unconditionally and to see with the eyes of Christ, treat others as you would like to be treated, etc…
Which, on a very logical level, can seem to go against DB principals of GAL, Detatching, No Contact…
God has a plan for each of us and we are not privy to what that plan is…
While He may not always be seeming to answer our prayers, because we aren’t getting the results that we want, He is taking care of us in the way that He sees fit, IF we allow it to happen…
And it most certaintly does not happen in our time…
I was told once that I was behaving as if I was trying to push a cart full of bricks, and to stop because they were not my bricks and it was not my cart to push…
Before that, I had tried many different things, to see how H responded…without any sort of result that brought me closer to the goal that I thought I wanted…
I was stuck. Stuck in a place of unhappiness, loneliness, with very little direction as to where my life was going. But that cart full of bricks thing sort of stuck with me…I realized that I had no choice…I had to let go, to hand it over to God and to TRUST that whatever the outcome, even if it was not the one that I THOUGHT I wanted, that the outcome would be the best outcome for me and would be in His plan.
Life started coming back together for me. Slowly. I learned to be happy with me. I learned to live for me and for my S, and I just let myself seep out into the world.
Because of that, I am no longer lonely. I have some wonderful friends, people who are supportive in me in ways that I never had before in my life. And although, I have chosen to no longer stand, my H, has had some moments of clarity and I have received some of the answers that I was looking for.
Because I took a step back, I have been allowed to really see what he is going through internally. While it is not daily, I have been given the opportunity to listen to him, to hear his pain, his dreams, his fears, his guilt, and even understand a bit (while I still am not so sure that he does), what he is trying to overcome.
He came to me, out of the blue, not because I reached out to him.
Trust me, it is a mental illness, no matter what anyone else says. It is the most painful thing I have ever had to watch someone go through. It is sad and scary and when you read people’s words who say you don’t want to know what is going on in the MLCer’s head, believe them.
Ok I rambled…LOL (maybe old age is setting in early)
My point, was that because of my Faith, faith in God, NOT necessarily in Marriage, but in God and in His power, things that I thought would never happen, without me doing SOMETHING to bring them about, have happened.
God does NOT want us to suffer. He does NOT want us to be miserable, especially in the name of Faith. There is a balance that He wants us to find. Part of that means letting go of things that we can’t control and trusting that the outcome will be what ever it is supposed to be.
Think about that…and have a wonderful Cat’s birthday. We can all celebrate by doing something special for ourselves.
Me...
I'm getting jewelery
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
It is actually going to be a very good day I think, although I have never made a big deal about my birthday. Just another day. But 38, well it is the new 28 so maybe it will be fun…LOL
