2/20/10 Wife of 17 years says she's unhappy and wants separation/divorce. Wife moved in with parents and returned for one night a week later before returning to parents again. Have had suspicions of EA for a year. Found excessive phone calls and text messaging after wife moved out. Have tried various ways including DB to get wife to return to work on marriage. No luck. Wife gave many reasons for leaving but no mention of affair.
4/19/10 Got email from wife of guy I suspected having EA with my wife. He separated from his wife around same time my wife did me. His wife said her husband and my wife had not just EA but PA. The wife's description of her husband wasn't flattering. No job, little education, history of credit card debt, and emotional/maturity/trust issues. Plus, his wife suspected he was having other EA's or PA's as well with other women. Even worse, guy was going to be moving in with my wife who had recently rented apartment in neighboring town.
4/21/10 Confronted my wife with new info from guy's wife. My wife didn't deny having feelings for guy. Didn't get into specifics about whether just EA or PA since both are bad and my wife is now living with this guy.
In many ways I still love my wife and want to be her friend. I had even hoped that we might reconcile during our separation but before divorce, but this info and turn of events changes things. Any advice based on this limited info?
After hearing from OM's wife on Monday, who exposed the full extent of my wife's affair with OM to me, I confronted my wife on Wednesday. She didn't deny that they were moving in together and that she had feelings for OM, even though we've only been separated eight weeks. Didn't bother questioning her whether EA or PA because both are bad, especially when combined with the fact that my wife and OM are now living together. I'm sure it's both.
Debated but decided to "out" my wife to her two best friends and to her parents. One best friend believed me and the OM's wife, but the other best friend and her parents seem to still be giving my wife the benefit of the doubt, perhaps even defending her (especially the other best friend). I thought this would happen (as happens to others apparently because I just read the "Exposure" thread and saw where other people are blamed when its their spouses who are having affairs). Don't know whether I should bother contacting the OM.
When my wife left me, even when I thought she had just had an EA, I still hoped that we might reconcile during our separation. Now that I know she's kept so much from me, and that she's now living with the OM, I don't know if I would want that if given the opportunity. I don't think I will be because the wife really has shown no remorse, regret, or willingness to work on our marriage.
I've had no contact with my wife since Wednesday. I'm thinking that's the way I should keep it for a while. On the other hand, if I'm to believe some of the details about OM given to me by his wife, he's not a great catch, and so I still worry about my wife's well-being while she's with him. Should I try to be friends with her just to keep tabs on her? I personally think she's gotten more than she bargained for, even though she thinks that what she wants for now.
Funny you should call OM a predator because that's exactly what I think and what one of my wife's best friends thinks, too. Unfortunately, her other best friend doesn't, and I'm not sure what her parents think at the moment. I haven't heard from them after I shared all this information with them. My wife already seems to have ended her friendship with the best friend who thinks the way you do, which is predictable, even though this best friend hasn't said anything directly to my wife about her affair. I've been my wife's protector/guardian/etc. for 17 years, and it's hard to not do that now. You're right, though. I have to step way back and concentrate on me now. Thanks so much.
I've exposed my wife's affair, which consists of her now living with OM only eight weeks after we've been separated, to her two best friends and her parents. Only one best friend believes me and thinks it's wrong, the other either doubts or defends my wife. Don't know what her parents think.
Do I expose the affair to our other friends and co-workers now? We've not told many people we are separated, and, making it worse, we work at the same place, although my wife is looking for a new job. If I do expose, what should I say? I want to take the high road as much as possible, even if my wife hasn't.
My question for this topic:
If I’m now doing the LRT because of the above situation, and having no contact with my WS except for legal and financial reasons, won’t my WS simply attach even more to her AP, especially since they’re now living together and my WS says she has such strong feelings for him? Doesn’t this make matters worse, even if it’s for my own sanity and protection?
And another question: WS keeps suggesting there were issues in our marriage that, when she began to have feelings for OM, made her question our marriage even more. Is this her way of not taking responsibility? Should I bother even addressing this with her now, given the situation? Thanks.
If I’m now doing the LRT because of the above situation, and having no contact with my WS except for legal and financial reasons, won’t my WS simply attach even more to her AP, especially since they’re now living together and my WS says she has such strong feelings for him? Doesn’t this make matters worse, even if it’s for my own sanity and protection?
Possibly, especially short-term. But it's still the best strategy, as it's proven.
My advice to you is still the same as I recommended before: time to pull waaaaayyyyy back.
And another question: WS keeps suggesting there were issues in our marriage that, when she began to have feelings for OM, made her question our marriage even more. Is this her way of not taking responsibility? Should I bother even addressing this with her now, given the situation? Thanks.
This is typical wayward "script." It's called "re-writing of marital history," and it's common in nearly 100% of affairs. It's a justification/rationalization thing.
Yes, LRT does allow your W and OM to have full access and bond. BUT she won't be getting any of her needs met by you so she relies on getting them all met by OM. As usual, they tend to "affair down" so she will find out that he isn't what she thought. She will miss you and reach out. Don't fall for it unless she has ended the R with OM.
LRT also puts you in a very strong position and she sees you won't put up with an A. It is best that LRT start early on, in my opinion based on what I have read, but don't expect her to end it in a few weeks. It could take 6 months or more....
Great job exposing and doing all the right things right away!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
As I'm now pulling way back as PDT suggests, and only talking about financial and legal matters with my wife, should I bother addressing any marriage relationship issues with her at all? Or, is it pointless while she's still in her own little affair world?
And another question: WS keeps suggesting there were issues in our marriage that, when she began to have feelings for OM, made her question our marriage even more. Is this her way of not taking responsibility? Should I bother even addressing this with her now, given the situation? Thanks.
This is typical wayward "script." It's called "re-writing of marital history," and it's common in nearly 100% of affairs. It's a justification/rationalization thing.
Puppy
Quote from Phil McGraw :
It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.
You mostly need to understand that your wife is ADDICTED and as a result is NOT THINKING RATIONALLY.
IGNORE her BS... she has no idea how to think clearly right now and her decisions are driven by addiction/excitement... not by logic.
It's BS... You won't be able to convince her of that right now...
But you CAN use this to confirm that YOU are NOT crazy.
You COULD try to explain this to her friend who supports this nonsense.. Her FRIEND is NOT addicted, she's just an idiot...
When I was a wayward 10 years ago, the more time I spent with my "girlfriend", the further the divide I created to my wife. It was hard to talk to me because the feelings to my "girlfriend" were real. So you could not convince me. In retro-spect what would have saved that marriage was a violent breaking of the affair. With no girlfriend, I would have been forced to look at my position. Yes I would be mad, and my pride would be hurt some. I probably would have went to my wife at the time, because it would have been cheaper, less painful ( save for my pride ), and made the most since.
The affair is very powerful.
Attempts to talk to me, be nice to me, to try to bring me back would not work on me as a wayward. For while it didn't create a larger divide, I was still looking for next time I could get to my OW. In some WAS, attempts to be generous, to woo back further the gap and create a greater resentment.
Also looking from the wayward position, anyone you complain about your relationship to. Or that you like to spend time with that you just can't stand to spend with your spouse, is getting closer than your spouse.
Looking from the wayward position. The 180, the GAL and "affair bursting" will give the best chance at recovering the relationship. The affair has to be broken.
Waywards rationalize alot of things, and some of it their mind does for them.
When I was a wayward 10 years ago, the more time I spent with my "girlfriend", the further the divide I created to my wife. It was hard to talk to me because the feelings to my "girlfriend" were real. So you could not convince me. In retro-spect what would have saved that marriage was a violent breaking of the affair. With no girlfriend, I would have been forced to look at my position. Yes I would be mad, and my pride would be hurt some. I probably would have went to my wife at the time, because it would have been cheaper, less painful ( save for my pride ), and made the most since.
The affair is very powerful.
Attempts to talk to me, be nice to me, to try to bring me back would not work on me as a wayward. For while it didn't create a larger divide, I was still looking for next time I could get to my OW. In some WAS, attempts to be generous, to woo back further the gap and create a greater resentment.
Also looking from the wayward position, anyone you complain about your relationship to. Or that you like to spend time with that you just can't stand to spend with your spouse, is getting closer than your spouse.
Looking from the wayward position. The 180, the GAL and "affair bursting" will give the best chance at recovering the relationship. The affair has to be broken.
DLS, if you ever do decide to start your own thread, I think we just read the lede of its first post.
