he is the patriarch of the family...loving, giving, self-sacrificing. i can't stress how much the eastern culture is playing a piece b/c divorce just doesn't happen unless it's a really dire sitch. he's the only one who knows right now and once the rest of the family finds out...they will all have similar reactions...wanting to fix it, not accepting it, etc (basically my reaction multiplie 10 fold!). it's just the way things work, people get involved, it's very communal (values include that it's not two people getting married, but two families).
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
Well, I can't speak to the cultural differences; that's outside my area of expertise. You might do well to find a marriage counselor who is familiar with those kind of cultural influences.
But those kinds of cultural mores can actually make a situation worse if one spouse or the other feels like they "have" to stay married to keep up appearances, raise kids, please the family, etc.
Your situation will only really heal if you and your H can learn to live together again and choose to love each other. That is not something your BIL can do -- for you or for him.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Agree with OldPilot and it is the premise of Dr. Gray's book Venus and Mars: Starting Over. Gray states that 'hope for reconciliation' is a classic form of denial and that, for any relationship to reconcile, it must be terminated in totality and then completely rebuilt. His book was one of the main reasons I decided to file for divorce. That and another pdf written by a woman on infidelity basically saying the same thing.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Gray states that 'hope for reconciliation' is a classic form of denial and that, for any relationship to reconcile, it must be terminated in totality and then completely rebuilt.
While that may be true for many relationships, and may not be a bad way to pursue it in a lot of cases, there are many couples who manage to reconcile without breaking up completely. Most of the couples who go through Retrouvaille are able to turn things around without having to start over from scratch.
That is, if I understand what you (and Gray) are saying; I might have to pick up a copy of the book and see.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
agreed, OldPilot (btw, can I call you YoungPilot ;)). really trying to detach and focus on myself. this is much easier said than done but trying none the less.
i've realized in the same way, i can't control the sitch, i can't control his family either. while it would be nice for them to not be involved, H did tell BIL and i can't really stop his BIL from doing whatever he is going to do.
i'm exhausted.
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
I have been following your sitch and wanted to give u a little insight into my mistakes/thoughts.
First off, you appear to be in the right place right now. I cannot stress enough the need to detach and focus on yourself. As Trent and others have mentioned this is easier said then done. There is no magic pill that will help. You will fail sometimes - we all do. You must however pick yourself up and keep marching forward.
Regarding your BIL - I may not understand the cultural issues but please try to keep others out of this issue. I am hispanic and the extended family was very close. My MIL and FIL tried to speak to my W and all they managed to do was piss her off. They may believe they are helping but as snoderly mentioned your MLCer will think that he is being manipulated and not validated. It does not work. I suggest that you explain to your BIL that although you appreciate his desire to help you respectfully request that he respect your decision and NOT speak to your husband.
In terms of the potential D - often people feel the need to have some form of closure. Your H may feel this way now - does that mean that you will D? Who knows- only God. I personally think that the current M must die. You must build a new M. How? By letting go - by letting H realize just how amazing you are. When will he do this? Who knows - only God. The bigger question here is....do you know how amazing you are? If you do, then what is your next move? What does Pandora need to be happy again? What does Pandora need to smile and laugh again? When you answer that make sure that the answer is based on something that YOU can control.
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
so husband dropped d bomb yesterday. he said he wanted to talk...first he apologized for his behavior and crazy mood swings, sorry for everything i've had to go through. then he asked that one day he hopes i can forgive him. then he said, he's realized this has dragged out too long and is ready to get a divorce.
god, it was emotional. he cried and i hugged him. i cried some too but pulled myself together and comforted him. told him that i know things have been so rough on him. (i know being in an MLC, he must be hurting so much. i see it, all the pain, the confusion, the hurt.)
he talked about how he hates hurting people...how he never imagined life would be like this. i told him i forgave him (and i made a prayer in my heart that i sincerely do).
i just held him and he was quiet for a while. he opened up about stuff...said he feels like God is just pushing him towards something...and that one day why all of this is happening will make sense.
he said a few times how i deserve better. he's like i know you don't want to hear that but "you really do."
while all this was happening, i seriously was doing all i could to just hold myself together.
allowing him to just talk though and let him know that i know he's hurting gave him space. we went to bed that night and he cuddled with me and was really sweet. i know not to look into it...sigh.
it hurts to think the finality of it all. i still remember the good times, the way we were, and now it's all gone.
it hurts so bad, like my son died and now my husband will be dead to me. i'm trying to pull myself together and still be strong. do what the db coach said, not break down and just be pleasant...let the dust settle.
anyways, just need some lovin right now...feeling so sad.
