SC...I had to look up the word "succinct"!! lol! I normally go on and on but after reading what you wrote "trust" just jumped out at me! Plus, you said it yourself! ;-)
I think you will know when/if the time is right...
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
We are going through some similar things, on a sort of similar time scale.
But the thing is, it really did get so complicated, didn't it? When did that happen?
When did it get complicated? ...When they betrayed our trust!!!!!
Yet we are still here for them...they are damaged and so are we. Could it be fixed?...yes but it will take a long time and of course equal commitment from both partners.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I felt the same way toward my H. It seemed that when I finally got my act together a little, H saw and wanted to reconcile immediately. While I was thrilled, I couldn`t go through with it because he hurt me terribly and I was just coming out of it, feeling better. He was still in MLC and I felt he wasn`t ready. I asked him to give me some time and he said no. This was 6 mos. into his crisis.
SC, None of us have a crystal ball, but we have been down the road you are traveling and unless your h makes every effort to show you that he wants to come home because he wants to be w/you and your childern, then I am right there w/Mermaid. He's wanting to come home because of "money" and and place to live w/you as "mom" taking care of him. It is still all about him and what he's suggesting is something that a young adult would do if the world of survival came crashing down around them....run home to mom and dad and live w/them until he can get back on his feet. The behavior is very, very typical of a mlcer in replay.....he's not completed his crisis, therefore, I feel he is using the situation to his advantage, not yours or the children.
Why do we see this? Because we are not close to your situation and yes, many of us have experienced the run away, return home and run away again. We've seen and heard a lot of what your h is saying....listen to your gut instinct.
Also, what you feel when he's around is betrayal of your trust and love. It takes a long time to earn that trust back and he's got a lot of work ahead of him if he wants it to work. Your inner being is hearing the "me, me, me" and is trying to tell you to walk gently through this mess, but your heart is telling you to let him come home now. It's difficult, but only you can decide what is best for you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think that is a good idea to do the financial contract. i went to my lawyer yesterday to try to get an agreement figured out to split our assets. but it is going to cost alot and be very involved because he has owned his own business for the past 20 yrs. In my state they don't have legal separation, I wish they did it would be easier to do this then.
Well, time passes, and things change, and things stay the same.
WH is now asking almost daily to reconcile. Or he STATES that we ARE together, and have never really been apart!! Now he says he has never ever been with anyone else !!!! That there never was anyone else !!!! That he is decorating his apartment because he needs somewhere to live while we sort things out. ???? He spent 2 days here working on my garden, it looks great, and wow did I ever need the help. Wants to spend weekends together as a family. Wants to keep his own place in the other city. Thinks his job is in trouble. Gets angry when I don't let "us" move forward. He started verbally criticizing me when I don't do what he wants, and asap.
Personally, I still have no idea how to deal with any of this, other then to ignore this confusing rollercoaster speak that he comes up with, and try to do some work (which is very hard because I am totally distracted by it all), and be good to and enjoy time with my kids (which I really do!).
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The more they stay the same, the more I worry they will be just like the worst times before he walked out on us.
The more I think about how awful it was right before he left, the more I don't want to do it anymore, and then I push him away.
If I push him away I am sad and want my marriage back, or what I thought my marriage was, or what I thought it could be, but wasn't.
He says he wants us to be together, and is pushing really strongly, but at the same time the way he talks is about separate futures.....
Like what "HE'S" going to buy next for "HIS" apartment, or where "HE" wants to take the kids on his visitation time, or what "I" should learn to do for "MY" house, or that "I" will be OK no matter what happens.
I don't have any advice...more like an exclamation...wow! No wonder you are confused! I think your H does not know what he wants...it is almost like he is trying to get you to decide for him and we know that this not going to work! That is my opinion but will check back and see what others "see"...many (((hugs))) in the meantime!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
