New year, new thread, update of sorts..

[dmkdmkdmk]

The catalyst it seems - I am friends on FB with OW's xbf. I mentioned to the xbf that he told me they had been dating. Apparently, xbf was never told for sure that it was going on (though he thought he knew). So, I think OW is mad that someone outed her as a skank who went after a married man with a pregnant wife and a baby. And OW is mad at H, so... whatever.

[D Money]

I don't want to come across as being a jerk, but...you do know this is a long process, right? In the grand scheme of things, you're still very early in this. He is going to cycle back and forth. Love you, hate you, love you, hate you, love you...you get the picture. You don't seem to be detached. You let what he says get to you. You have to learn it has nothing to do with you. It's his Monster persona speaking.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Oh, I know it has nothing to do with me. I know he's a monster right now. But he is completely in control of how he chooses to behave. He is fully aware of what he's done.

I know it's a long process, but I have other (great) stuff going on with my life and it has nothing to do with him, and when he's around he gets in the way.

I'm detaching - for good. He spent so much time over the past two months making it seem like he wanted to work on the marriage and be part of the family. It was very hard to stay detached from that. So, I'm going dark, but for me.

And when he comes out of the process, and realizes what he lost, then... his loss.

[cat04]

But he is completely in control of how he chooses to behave.

This is where you are wrong. Even if he KNOWS what he has done and is doing, he ISN’T in control of it. Not like we would like them to be anyway.

I was worried how your letter would go over…

But you are strong and you stated your boundaries. What happens after that, well that is up to him. And you know that.

And when he comes out of the process, and realizes what he lost, then... his loss.

This reeks of anger. Please try to work on that. For you. For those girls.

(((hugs)))

[dmkdmkdmk]

I know but I don't know.

Honestly, it feels like I am starting from the beginning again - that he just destroyed all of what I've been working so hard on for the past ten months. Don't I get to be a little angry?

[D Money]

Of course you deserve to be angry. We all have been. It's natural and it's healthy, but I'm just concerned you're making decisions based on your anger. Are you done because you're angry or are you truly ready to move on without him?

[dmkdmkdmk]

I am pretty sure I'm truly ready to move on without him. That being said, I'm waiting until the anger dissipates to start telling my family that he's been screwing around. I want to make sure I'm not "informing" them out of spite. My friends know though.

My friends who were encouraging are angry, and my friends who were skeptical... well, they're not saying "I told you so."

As far as the decision to move on - I am 29 years old. I am actually in the best shape I've been since H and I started dating (I found a pair of pants when I started piling his stuff up in the basement that I pretty much never wore because they were always too small... I guess when God closes a door, he gives you a "new" pair of pants?) I am tired of not having a "best friend" to share my day with. (God - the other day when I said that to H, he hugged me and held me so hard, like he was so sorry). I am a good person, and I deserve to have someone who will treat me well, and who won't jerk me and my kids around. He is not that person, and he doesn't want to be that person.

Maybe the decision to try to take him for all I can get out of him financially is based on anger though. I think I hung in this for a lot longer than most people would.

[dmkdmkdmk]

I just realized...

I haven't mailed the check for H's tax payment yet... It's a small amount, but...

[dmkdmkdmk]

I feel much better over the past couple of days. Not so angry, just sad. I know the D is the right move for me right now. If I keep hanging on, I'll keep getting sucked back in every time H runs back and forth between us and his new life. And it's not good for the kids or me. Let OW have him for a while, and see if she wants to deal with his manipulation and lies and depression. I think she'll find too, eventually, that he has little regard for anything except that which makes him feel good about himself. I told him to get some help, and hopefully he will so that he can be a good and functional dad to the kids.

Although I'm not as angry, it was very difficult to try to make conversation with H when I picked up the kids yesterday. I don't feel the need to make small talk with him any more.

Sometimes I'm wondering if I'm the one rewriting history... but now I remember so many things -

-When I was 20, my gpa was dying, and I asked him to come over and watch TV with me because I wanted to stay at home with my family - he wanted to go out drinking with his friends because "that wasn't want he felt like doing on a friday night" He didn't go to the funeral because he didn't really know him (we had been dating for over a year).

-When my brother had his first brain surgery - I waited for him to meet me at the hospital so we could go out together afterwards but I had to pick him up, drunk, at a bar (by 7pm). Because HE doesn't like hospitals.

Little things like that, every so often - and things got much better when we were married, and during the first pregnancy and right after he got back from basic training - and then things started getting difficult again when my brother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in 08.

When I'd get mad, he'd be sorry. He'd promise to act better, and then he would for a while, and then something else would happen. And that's what our relationship is in my mind now. Me crying and saying "I would never have done this to you!" for ten years.

[dmkdmkdmk]

So, it's been almost two weeks and I'm still at peace with my decision... I talked to my counselor for a while yesterday, and she said he's following a pretty typical path for a cheating spouse, and to actually be prepared for him ping-ponging back and forth between me and OW.

That, eventually, especially now that the cake eating is over - he will start to see what he gave up for her. I'm not saying that I'd take him back. And not saying that I wouldn't. I'm just ready to have this legal hurdle be done. But I think that allowing him to exist in his reality is going to be a good thing. I know that my reality is tolerable...