Well, mediation yesterday produced a written, enforceable agreement that I can live with. Not a good choice, mind you, but the best of a really bad situation.
First, thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. I had a calmness yesterday that allowed me to make some very hard decisions.
We started with mediation at 10:00 am and did not leave until 9:45 pm. That's right, nearly twelve hours! But we got it done and I'm not sure how I feel. I think I feel numb, relieved, sad, angry, resentful, hurt (good bit of that), compassionate and a little scared, all at the same time.
Couple of points from yesterday (there were many, but I'll stick with the most important). W, for the first time, showed emotion when she cried in front of my L, her L and the mediator as they were discussing visitation. It was abundantly clear that yesterday was the first time W had actually faced some of the brutal reality I have dealt with - that what she was going to get $$ wise from the D was not something she could live on, that the kids would, in fact, be very much affected by her decision to end our M and that, yes, it was going to be very, very hard to tell the kids. At one point, my W's L looked at her when W was complaining about how hard it would be to tell the kids and said "Didn't you think about this before you decided to file for D?!" Evidently not.
The big head scratcher for the day was as we were wrapping up the agreement, W wants to insert provisions into the agreement dictating when we would tell the kids we were D'ing, what we would say and that we will have a counselor present when we tell them. Not just "NO," but "HE!! NO!" This is a private, family issue and it will be dealt with in a PRIVATE family setting. I have already told W that this is HER decision and, thus, SHE will tell the kids (with me present, of course) in such a manner that does not imply I agree with the decision or that this was a joint decision. W is very concerned I will tell them she filed for D - her L told her at that point, "Mrs. GIMA, they are going to KNOW that."
Needless to say, the "I need a C present to tell the kids" provisions did not make it into the agreement.
At one point yesterday, despite my negative emotions towards my W, I actually felt sorry for her. And I had to fight the urge to save her from this. Her problems now.
So, we cannot afford two households unless and until the house sells. Everything in our agreement is triggerred by the closing on the sale of the house. We will put the house on the market asap. Once it sells, my child support and alimony obligations kick in.We also will hold off on obtaining a final divorce decree until the house sells (weird, I know, but this helps W on health insurance since her COBRA time limit will not begin ticking).
Anyway. I grabbed a later dinner last night, then home. Had a "download" of emotions lying in bed, but I knew that would happen. I know I obtained a fair agreement, and I will probably be happy about it sometime later. But, it's hard to be happy right now. I want my family together, plain and simple. I know that's not possible, but it's the truth. So, I will swallow hard, clear my throat and just put one foot in front of the other. What else can I do? The sun will come up tomorrow just like it did today and the day before that.
I know I can handle it, and I know I will. It's just going to be rough for a little while.
That sounds like a very intense process. Somehow I had imagined mediation happening in several sessions. I'm glad you got a fair settlement, but as you say it's a hard thing to celebrate under the circumstances. When children are involved in D, it's hard to feel that anyone is a winner. I feel very sad thinking about your W's distress at the consequences of her own choices -- it seems so wrong that a person could take those steps that affect others' lives without considering those things first. I hope you can take the time that you'll need to process this experience.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
GIMA - I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I've thought too about the strange mix of emotions recently as we hammered out and have begun to implement the agreement. Funny, yeah - the concurrent anxiety and relief, anger and compassion, etc.
And you're right, the only thing to do is to move forward. Let tomorrow come, and the day after that, and things start to become OK in increments.
Flowmom, we did ours over a number of sessions. Sure there's different formats for different circumstances. (We had a single mediator, did not bring our seperate lawyers, actually cut them out of the process).
Hang in there GIMA. Breathe deeply now that it's done.
Nothing to add GIMA but ((((((((((GIMA))))))))))))!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
