Rejoice Ministries is a wonderful site. The ideas about standing, having faith, honoring your vows, are all wonderful things.
One of the things you should have noticed is that Charlene, while she was standing, also continued living…
Continued her life, while still remaining true to her vows and her ultimate goal of a restored M, but not letting it destroy who SHE was…
And if I remember correctly, she and Bob actually divorced and he was to marry someone else…
It can be done, both standing and DB…
This is a long road to walk…
One that has the potential to destroy you if you choose to just stand still through it…
I hope that you continue posting, growing, becoming less confused, really understanding what people have said to you…
I am sorry if you felt that I am frustrated with you.
I remember all too well being stuck. When I see that in other people, I become frustrated with myself and how long it took me to realize that I was the key to my own happiness…
And how long and hard I actually fought the idea...
Sometimes, I just want to reach through the computer and scream “don’t do what I did, get it sooner...”
But I can’t exactly do that…
Please, please, take some time, reread the threads and see what the consistent messages have been, not about a specific situation, but the overall situation…
Read the resources again, wrap your head around the CONCEPT of MLC…just don’t get stuck in the time frames…
Then find the thread here on MLC, maybe someone can link it up, about the journey of the LBS… Ask questions if you have them, about the process…
Take a step out of the confusion…
Oh and I really like Fixer’s GAL suggestions…
Maybe think about some of those…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
That sounds like a lot of hooey, how could that possibly work?
There must be some trick to making...controlling another person into doing what you want...
I sure as hell wouldn't be posting here if I KNEW that trick. I'd have my own country. Jacklandia!
I vacationed in Jacklandia once......and its not a place you want to visit.
GF,
Everyone is giving you great information. You need to let go. It is definitly a hard thing to do. I tried many tactics in the beginning and I came across as manipulative and controlling. I don't think I just came across that way....I was. I think I set myself back a few years.
GF, I understand the confusion you feel. I've been there. What helped me most with it was the reading and understanding what a MLC is all about. The things I didn't understand or was confused over I came to the board and I asked. Sometimes the same question more than once. Sometimes it took a little time to process the information.
I was confused as you were whether I should handle issues that came up that my H used to do, or ask for his help to show that he was still needed. The information I read lead in two directions. One said handle it by yourself, the other said show him that he is still needed. I finally found the correct words and way to ask my question as follows...
Quote:
Right now I'm very confused on another issue. I've read that we're to show our MLCer (actually for ourselves) that we're capable of carrying on just fine without them. That they are attracted to strength and confidence and to light the way home. I've read in other places where the MLCer needs to be needed. How do you know which way to be with them?
I don't need my H as I'm going to be fine without him. I just want him because I love him.
The answer from a very wise dber was...
Quote:
They gravitate towards strength and independence. They want us to go on w/our lives and learn how to do things while they are in la la land. During their early travels, they want us to cut them loose so that they do not have any responsibilities nor feel guilty about not doing things for us. As you travel along, if you point blank ask your h to assist you, he may very well say no, choose to ignore your request or just plain forget about it.
However, as they travel further along the path, there will be times when they will actually offer up to assist you...thus the white knight rescue. By this time, you aren't sure whether to ask for assistance or say you'll do it yourself. You are then just as confused as they are as to the boundaries that are playing out between the two of you. Sometimes, you have to follow their lead. If the mlcer offers to assist you w/something and it's not crossing into your boundary, then accept...but be sure to thank the mlcer for doing the deed.
Now, this is where it will get sticky. Once the mlcer has offered to assist a spouse, the spouse automatically "assumes" that he/she is waking up and can call on the mlcer for assistance at any time....NADA! Accept the mlcer's moment of clarity and leave them alone after that....no expectations. Allow the mlcer time to digest what he/she has done and for he/she to see that you are not going to pursue or have high expectations. Pressure, guilt and expectations will send them running to the hills.
Keep in mind, there will be some things that you will need to ask him directly to assist you with and cannot wait for him to pony up. But, as a rule, you know your h better than we do....you will know when to ask for assistance and when not to.....it's all in following his lead and your gut instinct.
GF, I hope this helps you as much as it helped me. You have to show him you have the strength to build the path that leads home. That same strength will see you through if your H decides not to follow it.
I read your post and don't worry, you are just at the beginning you seem like a very strong person and will get through this and out of the stuck part.
I've been stuck for a very long time. Please don't do what I have done. Keep on going, you are doing great!
Got it Trapt! I'm just so mad at myself, because I didn't read the book (didn't know about it), at the beginning of this mess. So I did all of the wrong things!!!! I could have done better and wish that I found the book and this site sooner!
I sometimes believe if I had all of the info I have now I would be in a better place for myself, and my kids, and also my M.
Fixer, no Jody told me that way back, I haven't spoken to her in such a long long time. I can't afford to. She doesn't know about how H came to do the water off of the cover of the pool or anything. And you were right he was acting very nice and I think it was because he felt needed.
That's why I was going to contact him in a few weeks about the sand for the pool. And that's why I wanted your opinion since you went through a MLC and know how if feels.
So no need to apologize for anything. I appreciate all of your input and advice! I really thought that H would feel good about me asking him a question to something I have no clue about because he did before, but the rest of the great people on this board are telling me not to, so I guess I won't.
I will always appreciate any of your advice and look forward to hearing some more of it.
Yes, I did come on this site hoping that it was about saving your M and getting them back. But did I think it was to use tricks or tactics NO.
And yes there are people that get back faster than others.
And even though I feel weak without him, I would help him and anyone else that needed it. I'm strong enough for that, I really believe it. I can't help that I'm still sad over this and can't detach as much as I would like and others on here would like me to.
Believe me JTB I would do it in a heartbeat if I could. I don't let the kids or H see me crying anymore. That has all stopped a while ago. Yes, I did cry when he changed his mind about the dating thing at the end of March but I was alone. I did not beg him or anything like that when he said it wouldn't be a good idea through text. I just said I understood how he felt and that I wasn't sure of how I felt either.
I'm trying Mach. I'm really sorry, just having a bad time the past couple of days. I do put an act on in front of him even if he doesn't notice.....like if I'm in the yard when he comes for D13, I just pretend I don't see him sitting in his car.
Months ago I would have went up to him and started to argue or the opposite and ask how he was doing etc.
