Update: My wife has a prepaid cell phone and apparently used up her minutes with the OM two days ago (after charging it up with $25 only nine days ago). I confronted her about it yesterday and she says she doesn't plan to communicate with him more. She deleted him from her Facebook account and agreed to go with me to meet with the Pastor and his wife (who is a counselor). So we went and she spilled out her old complaints about me all over again and said she was never really in love with me and made a mistake marrying me and doesn't see how it can work. They tried to persuade her to give it one more try, to which she replied, "I tried for 12 years!" And they responded, "Yea, but Ken wasn't on board." It seems that they may have actually gotten through to her though, because this morning she made a nice breakfast and then deactivated her Facebook account. She still doesn't feel like being affectionate, but I'm hoping that will come with time.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Wow Ken, your wife is having an affair.. you honestly expect her to show you physical affection right now?
Sorry Ken, but that's almost selfish of you...
I know your wife cheated and it hurts a lot, but you are supposed to be setting an example of adulthood. I had to wait a VERY LONG TIME before I saw a postage stamp of a smile from my wife after her affair...
You can't honestly expect her to be affectionate when she just talked to him two days ago... It's blatant pursuit on your part.
From what I have read on this forum physical affection from a female WS in an affair is the LAST thing to return to the marriage... and it SHOULD be the last thing. It's a great test of YOUR maturity to have to wait...
Don't expect anything soon.. and if it does happen I would recommend refusing it anyways... MWD says much the same in her DR book too... not to rush reconciliation and to TAKE it SLOW
A question: I bought a couple of books - one is called "His Needs, Her Needs" and the other is called "The Case Against Divorce". What are your thoughts on whether or not I should try to share them with my wife at this point? Up until now, she has been quite resistant to anything like that, but I thought maybe since she seems to be trying to work on the marriage a bit, maybe I should try introducing stuff like that again.
Ken, I believe you would not get the response you're looking for...I would have the books laying out somewhere and that is it...especially if she has recently spoken w/ OM...
Her definitions are different than yours right now.
WS- "working on the M" = hang out and see if SP pisses me off
Nah, maybe not that bad, but you see my point...forgive me this is just a drive by, I'll read the last few pages and try to make more of a contribution...
So we went and she spilled out her old complaints about me all over again and said she was never really in love with me and made a mistake marrying me and doesn't see how it can work.
Today you say this:
Quote:
Up until now, she has been quite resistant to anything like that, but I thought maybe since she seems to be trying to work on the marriage a bit, maybe I should try introducing stuff like that again.
May I ask how, where, or why do you get the impression she might be working on the marriage??? B/c she cooked a nice breakfast?
If you go back to your old thread in the WA forum, you will see where everything you are doing now is a repeat of what you did then. It didn't work then, so why are you doing it again?
Also, you said that she is still not ready for affection. You would not know that unless you tried it. I have told you to stop pursuing her with the physical touch.....but you keep doing it! Why do you persist in doing what doesn't work?
She fixes one nice meal.....just one meal and you think she is working at the marriage! That is why a lot of WAW's treat their H's cold, b/c he will jump at the tinest positive sign and think everything is just dandy....and it's not even begun yet.
I know I sound like I'm trying to drag you down, but that is not my goal. I am trying to help you see the way it is with her.
I don't think she is ready to read books or anything else, at this point. What you don't seem to understand is that she has to take things a step at a time. The first step for her is to detach herself from the OM. Do you believe that she can tell the OM good-bye one minute and be on track with you the next? Maybe you do, but that is not realistic and it is not how women in EA's operate.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She fixes one nice meal.....just one meal and you think she is working at the marriage! That is why a lot of WAW's treat their H's cold, b/c he will jump at the tinest positive sign and think everything is just dandy....and it's not even begun yet.
Ken. How long did you two date before you got married?
Expect it to take THAT LONG for her to REALLY want to work on this marriage. She can play you all she wants, but her commitment is with OM for months and months... and she sees him regularly still yes?
If it took you one year to get from first meeting to marriage, expect it to take a year before she wants to think about you as a husband again.
She may play and leave you with false impressions, and you WILL fall for them, but her head is with OM for the next 12 months or so...
We dated for about a year before we got married. The EA has gone on since July of 2009 (about 10 months now).
My wife vacillates between wanting a divorce and wanting to stay with me for the sake of the kids and because of her convictions about what is right in God's eyes. She is very pessimistic about whether she can fall in love with me. She says she is not attracted to my personality.
I saw that the OM was trying to call two days ago, so I called him back to see what he wanted since I thought he was on board with leaving us alone. He said he was having his 7 year old son call to ask to talk to my 7 year old daughter. I asked him to stop doing that because it wasn't helping our situation. He seemed to agree and understand.
But yesterday, to my amazement, my wife talked to the OM by cell phone for an hour or two. She can't use our home phones for that because I have his number blocked. She just recharged her prepaid cell phone two days ago with $25 and is already down to $9. I'm hoping that when she sees how much money it is costing her, she'll stop talking to him by phone.
All this going back and forth is driving me crazy!
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Your wife has been disrespectful for months. Maybe you should put her out of the house. I don't see what real consequences she has suffered. She's put you in the "bad dad" role and is acting like a teenager. You don't deserve to be cast into that role and then resented for it. You have proof yet again. Put her out for a month.
Ken. People in affairs will run up hundreds of dollars of charges and not bat an eye over it... Don't think for a second the cost of the call is going to make her stop.. that is delusional on your part.
She is going to keep going back and forth until
1. There are enough consequences that it isn't worth contacting him anymore. (loss of home, loss of kids, public embarassment, etc)
AND
2. You appear to her to worth enough to explore reconcilliation
Don't think for a second in one day or even a week your wife is going to want to be with you.. it takes weeks and months to recover from this sort of thing.
