Db not working, MLC spouse pushing D

[Celestial X 5]

My H is attached to his Blackberry. Funny thing about my H is when he first went into MLC, he told everyone that I was a monster and the cause of his unhappiness. I kept pretty much to myself and found this place, and survived. Now that I`ve filed, told my friends and family finally, H hasn`t told a soul yet.

Celestial

[foreverhesaid]

Last weekend my husband disappeared again. When he came home this past weekend he had a different suitcase, similar in color and size but not his. I didn't say anything about it, I wonder if he thinks I didn't notice. I admit I snooped through it while he was in the shower and found a 'Happy Anniversary" card from the OW to him. OUCH! I know I shouldn't have snooped because it only hurt me, but it also made me very angry. Who is this woman to give cards and talk about how she is going to try to make him happy every day 'when they can finally be together." Blech! I too tried to make him happy and he had a MLC regardless. Anyway, I wondered if this 'anniversary' would bring any changes. So far it has not, he seemed pretty much the same as usual and has not brought up or talked about the D again. I wonder if perhaps this is putting pressure on him from her side and might cause him to draw back a little.

It makes me wonder what can be appealing about a woman who dumps her husband and then just sits waiting for mine to show up every other weekend or so. Can't she see he spends most of his time with me? I guess I see it that he is using her as a bandaid for his MLC, I wonder how she sees it.

[kjensen]

Hey FHS-
How painful to find that card!
My theory about the OW..she's broken in some major way. Just as your husband is kind of "broken" right now-trying to rediscover who he is...and fix or get through something from his past that wasn't resolved the first time 'round.

No healthy woman, no woman with self-respect, healthy boundaries and healthy self-esteem would walk over the boundary of marriage and knowingly have an affair with a married man.

Whats appealing about her? She's not you...she's different.

That appeal is usually short lasting in the scheme of things..because there's nothing healthy in that relationship to sustain it..and hopefully your husband is progressing down the MLC path, one way or another...

Don't try to compare yourself in any way to the OW..its not about you...and it is not really even about her(you're right-she's a bandaid)..its about your husband coping with alot of internal angst...

Hang in there, detach as much as you can..it is truly helpful..

[Mila]

Forever, I just went through a year of this. H's affair with a married woman, that left her H & small children for H. Lots of back and forth on OW's part, long distance R with my H. Now she went back to her H and apparently it's finally over. (I hope)

It makes me wonder what can be appealing about a woman who dumps her husband and then just sits waiting for mine to show up every other weekend or so

.
OW is dysfunctional. Healthy person would not think and behave the way they do.

Detach and wait it out, time is on your side. Majority of affairs like this will not make the transition into a stable long term relationship.

Don't snoop, it's too painful, it's not worth it, trust me...in the beginning I had the "need" to know as well. As I detached I got to the point that I didn't want to know what they do. Much healthier for me.

[foreverhesaid]

Thanks Mila and KJensen,

I know the OW is dysfunctional, I think that might be part of her appeal. I have been thinking about the cause of my husbands MLC, his mother growing up had some mental condition that no one ever talks about. My husband mentioned a few things, he would come home from school, she would lock the doors and call the police claiming he was trying to break in, would say he was not her child. Obviously all very damaging to a young psyche. I think on some level he thinks if he can fix OW, then he is fixing his mother.

Might be pure conjecture on my part, but that is the time frame I see when he runs away into the past. He has started to listen to music from the late 70's, early 80's which would be his childhood years. Sometimes I see tears in his eyes.

In the early days of husbands MLC, before I found DB, I did snoop more, mostly to confirm what I suspected was an affair. I have seen pictures of OW - you are right, she is not at all like me. Mostly in the way that she really really seems to need attention. Perhaps that is a stereotype on my part, but she is overly made up, obviously saloned hair, long painted fingernails, over the top jewelry, lots of cleavage, what I would consider trashy type outfits. I flatter myself that people have said I look like Grace Kelly (my husband used to say that alot, when he still admired me) so we are definitely a different type.

I need attention too, but I'm not needy. Perhaps that is part of the problem.

[Mila]

Forever, who knows what H's attraction to OW is. You may be right in your guesses...after all he is in replay - he is trying to fix something from his past.

Try not to analyze him, you'll drive your self crazy. We will never understand why they do what they do...I bet they don't even understand it right now.

The listening to old music, tears in his eyes...yup just like my H.

Be strong and analyze YOU instead of HIM

[pandora]

Forever,

I read your sitch and totally feel ya! what is going on with these men who are so amazing one day and then go nuts the next? i have found that learning about MLC and being on these boards has been a huge blessing. today my H was being all moody and i just reminded myself that it's not me. just a few weeks ago, i may have broke down. the detachment has been the best thing for me and you already sound so ahead of the game. good luck to you and know i support you.

virtual hugs coming your way! oh and in case you needed a reminder, you are SO much better than OW (that elephant!).

[foreverhesaid]

Big surprise this weekend for me, my husband did not run away! Normally we work every other saturday (in the same office) and on our regular weekends he would pack up his car and disappear. I left for work friday morning, he didn't say anything. I saw him throughout the day, again no mention. Normally late afternoon he would just vanish, he did end up leaving the office about 4pm. I went and got groceries, spent some 'me' time shopping, figuring I'd come home and treat myself to a pizza for dinner. When I got there he was sitting on the back porch drinking beer!

Being a wise DB-er I didn't make a big deal of it, just made dinner as usual and joined him on the porch. I thought that perhaps he was spending time at home to push more for the divorce, but surprisingly he's been very pleasant! He helped me with yard chores yesterday, worked on things around the house, we grilled for dinner and enjoyed the sunshine on the porch again.(who is this strange normal acting man?) At one point he even picked up my foot, put it in his lap, and started to massage it! I was so happy for the attention but again didn't make a big deal about it.

Today has been rainy, he's been watching movies on TV and I've been busy staying away from him. I do still see him emailing on his phone, so I suppose he is still in contact with OW, but not spending time with her.

I am trying not to read into this, probably OW was busy and couldn't see him but I am certainly trying to make his weekend here pleasant. I know I shouldn't be thinking about 'them', I actually found myself slightly annoyed that I couldn't spend time on the DB boards because he was here!

[foreverhesaid]

I should have known not to get my hopes up. Yesterday my husband asked to talk to me. He wanted to discuss divorce again, and him moving out. He says he stayed home last weekend to talk to me, but that I avoided him. Sure, I was giving him space, but we were still in the same house, he could have easily talked to me.

Anyway, he has threatened to leave before but has never actually done so. Yesterday he stated that we can no longer live together because he doesn't trust me. Hmmm, sounds pretty typical MLC, he's having the affair, but he can't trust ME? He says that in the past few weeks he thinks I've been snooping and 'making comments' that show my disdain. Alot of other things that I think are imagined. He claimed I was moving papers around on his desk, was snooping in his closets and clothing, all things I am innocent of. I guess this is part of the projection on the LBS. He also stated he thinks I'm talking to both of our families about him, something else I haven't done!

I was thinking it might be good for him to get away and spend some time alone, perhaps it will get him off of the paranoia. Also in the past he has said he didn't mean to hurt me, that he was sorry, etc. however yesterday he was just angry and ugly, stating 'my behavior' was making him start to hate me.

2 years into this MLC mess and I was having hopes, now I'm sliding back down again.

[Mila]

Hang in there FS, even if it comes to him leaving, it doesn't have to be the end. Sometimes (often) the MLC's have to leave in order to come back.

When my H left, it actually "defused" him and he started to be nicer to me...before he left the tension in the house was unbearable. He was deep in his affair when he left, but leaving didn't make him happier. Sometimes they have to discover that.