Ok Mach, I'm really sorry. I think sometimes I get really down and let him spin me is because of the depression I'm in myself.
I know I have lots of work to do as far as working on myself and I'm really trying. It's just that these antidepressants didn't kick in yet, I have a few more weeks the Dr. told me.
Ok Mach, I'm really sorry. I think sometimes I get really down and let him spin me is because of the depression I'm in myself.
I know I have lots of work to do as far as working on myself and I'm really trying. It's just that these antidepressants didn't kick in yet, I have a few more weeks the Dr. told me.
I understand about ADs.....
They will work some....
They are also NOT a miracle cure for finding yourself, and please don't let that be a crutch for you to lean on....
Usually about 4 weeks to be fully vested on them....
and about the same amount of time to come off of them....
GF....
You really DO control the most important thing that you can right now....
and that is YOU..
Who you are
Who you want to be
How you interact
How you let things affect you....
Whether you let the monsters in your head out to play or not....
What you feed those monsters...
Who you CAN become if you are willing to focus on yourself and do the work....
When you see your reflection...( not physical either), are you who you really want/envisioned yourself to be ?
You aren't gonna talk your way out of something you acted yourself in to......
Goodfight, I read through all of your threads up to page 5 of this thread.
You are spinning so much. Codependency? I see a lot of people givng you great advice but some how you are so stuck. Fixated too much on him.
I have to ask you. How would you live if he was dead? B/c that is how you should live.
My sitch and you rsitch are extremely different b/c my hubby never left, wasn't drinking and was always about the kids. We also had sex on and off and sometimes there were be signs of affection towards me.....
I have little knowledge of MLC. Not sure if it is real or not. It doesn't matter to me. There is still accountability. If a person murders someone and is depressed they are still held responsible. MLC is not an excuse to treat your famiy badly. Just isn't in my opinion. And if a person is spiraling downward- you may want to help them- you can't you have to step aside adn say I am here if you need me but I will leave you to it. Make sense?
As everyone has said over and over and over- you are too fixated on him. I am sorry but it's true. There is nothing more you can do at this time. You can control your interactios with him but little more. The ONLY thig you can do is focus on you and your children.
I know these things are easy to type on a message board but harder to live by. That is why the "fake it till you make it" mantra is so true. What would make you happy (not including your hubby) in your life. For anxiety (speaking as some one who lived with sever panic attacks) listening to comedy tapes while driving helps or really fun music, talking alot on the phone to friends, hard exercise, meditation. GALing may be hard at first but the more you do the more you will want to do. Have you joined any meetup.com groups? Like potluck dinners or movies or coffee meetups, maybe a hiking meetup. My mother always told me something- in the old days- mental institutions had the patients scrubbing hte floors b/c an idle mind can lead to sadness. Busy (not too busy) people are happy.
I don't know if this man will ever get better or not. You can't keep holding your breath waiting. Exhale, live on. Read mb28's latest post- she states it perfectly.
He has left 18 months ago, has been emotionaly and verbaly abusive, not giving CS, Ding you, drinking, not contacting the children, upsetting the children, lying to you, looking to date, etc, etc
Read what mb28 just postded on her thread.....
The advice is move on but leave the road home paved smoothly. Detach, GAL, focus on you and family, work on PMA. Any interaction with him has to be very controled on your end. Do not take baits. Practice how you will react to him....
I have to step out for a sec- young one screaming for me....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I guess the only thing you can do for now is live your life your you! Not live your life for your hubby. I think it is important to have as little contact as possible adn the contact that you do have - have a calm demeanor, validate and set boundaries.
He does not respect you. When someone does not respect you they do not value you. In order to gain his respect back you can not put up with his "cr@p".
The pining away over him is not attractive to him. If he knows that he can have you whenever he wants- he has no desire to work on himself. Why should he- you are still available to him. But if you are unavailable to him and he still finds that he is miserable- he can not longer blame you and the M. He must look at himself as the cause.
If I were in this sitch- I would chose to be happy, live an active social life, casually date, exercise, take up hobbies. I would work on "healing myself". There an be no moving forward till you change the dynamic that there is b/t you adn hubby.
I posted something on Flowmom's thread that my MC stated 2 years ago. Should be pretty recent. Can you read that also?
I will tell you this.... What is not working- you being so available an pinning away over him. Has it worked for you up to now? Will it work for you in the future?
If you do serious changes- he may or may not take notice. That is basically the best chance you have.
Work on making youself happy. If he sees you very content and happy he will really questionwhy he is still miserable. He will eventually (hopegfully) get that you are not the cause of his unhappiness..... He has to get this.. the only way you can facilitate that is by moving onto a better mental place and positive calm interactions and very little contact....
So hard to do, I know... but you can do it. Many others have.
Is you are truly truly desperate to get him back. This is the only method you can take. And it may or may not lead to success, IMO.
Last edited by june72; 04/14/1006:31 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I mean you do not what the man he is now, right?.... You want a fixed man, only he can fix himself.
Have you written down goals for you? DO you have a journal to write down feelings and thoughts?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Found it. Thanks June. The problem is if he was dead, I think I would be able to move on better. I don't want anything to ever happen to him whether we get back together or not. But I'm standing for my M and that is the hard part. I never lived on my own this long in my life. Plus I always had a boyfriend or a relationship, so I think why this is hard on me.
It has been 17 months with no one in my life and it is a struggle but I do believe in standing for my M. God forbid but if he had died at least I know that he loved me and the kids and that I would be able to move on and not be breaking any vows. That is what the struggle is on my part.
