BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[forward]

I've spent a lot of time reading and thinking and while I would like very much to believe that I would be better the second time around, I also know that that is what MOST people think:

I will not make the same mistakes.
I will not find someone with the same sorts of problems.
I will be a better person.

etc..

However, I also see my responsibility in the situation. I don't think I am AS responsible because X was the one who had the affair and walked out, but I also recognize that I did certain things that contributed to the problems and maybe I could have nipped those things in the bud.

With that said, a conscious decision to examine those things and also to try to make changes in one's self is a real start.

I am trying to understand the role that I had in the situation, too. I am finding that I have become more colorful, creative, and open since X left. I realize that I played the martyr and I don't want to do that any more.

[TRUSTING]

FIB,

My daughter showed me the pictures on the computer and forgot to take that one out. She is pretty sensitive to me and did not mean for me to see it. I stopped looking at it right when I saw it but it is now ingrained in my mind.

[cagzmom]

Oh Trusting. ouch. that stinkin pain!!! I HATE IT! AND I AM SO very sorry you had to see her with YOUR family. I am sure your daughter felt terrible!! Tehy (teh kids) are put in such hard places... tehy want to protect us... but they have been thrown into this new life that tehy didn't want either.

Your heart is healing. I have to believe that for you.... I wish we could go talk... go have a margarita... just one cause any more and we would get silly - then probably start crying.

Come see me!!!!

[ACJ]

It does hurt to see those pictures but our children didn't ask to be put in this situation and it was their holiday too.

Way back when my XH used to come and show the kids the pictures of the all the holidays he and OW were taking. As hard as it was I put a stop to it by simply asking to look at the photos myself! On the one and only occassion I had to do this XH couldn't really say no as the kids were all there. I looked at the photos, made positive comments about them and then gave them back. He never 'volunteered' to hurt my kids like that again!


Mow that XH has the new baby I actively encourage D14 in particular to share photos of her new sister with me. We both found it hard at first but now she knows that she is able to speak to me about the baby if she wants to without me breaking down into tears. The main reason I am able to do this is b/c the new baby looks absolutely like my 3 children My children will never be able to deny they belong to each other b/c they are all so similar but this child is completely different. For clarity I am not suggesting my children would want to disown thier sibling I am just saying that for me b/c she looks nothing like my children I am able to view her as just another baby.

[cagzmom]

Trusting - it is hard isn't it. I was thinking today just about the changes and adjustments we have had to make both in our physical life and our emotional side.

A couple of weeks ago I stayed home from work - i was exhausted. I think I literally slept ALL of the day except maybe 5 hours. the next day was a saturday - i felt a little better anot quite as tired as I was... but here was what I thought.

For 3 years I have been fighting to heal.. pushing through when I wanted to bail on myself, facing things I never thought I would, healing, hurting, crying, healing hurting, crying..yes that cycle. And now we are into a new phase of healing... and ready to heal even deeper...

this one, I think is harder and longer... but we can do it!! i am here if you need me.

cagzmom

[TRUSTING]

My husband's aunt emailed me yesterday asking to correspond. She inquired about how I was and had just found out about my divorce. In my whole 20 years of marriage, she has never showed an interest in me. The only way she got my email was through my ex.

I am suspicious that ex is just trying to find out about my life through this aunt.

In the past ex has had mutual friend call me to try to see what was going on in my life.

Since I am completely dark, I think he may be getting a little curious.

[forward]

Trusting, So how are things, really?

I wouldn't ascribe any motivation to it other than curiosity. But the question is whether to reply. Will you?

Ex's family cut me out of the picture very quickly and as far as I am concerned, I am dark with them as well.

[mermaid]

Tell h's aunt your life is great. She doesn't need to know any details. Like Forward my h's family cut me out also and I have no reason to talk to them anyway.

Focus on you. Who cares what h is doing or why.

[TRUSTING]

Thanks guys.

I will not give her any information. In fact, I have decided to not reply at all. I don't need to gossip about ex or have any contact with his family.

[forward]

Trusting,
I'm not dark w/X's family because I want to be. They have chosen to support X's R w/OW but I do have some sympathy. After all, the MLCers lie to justify their situation, and turning away their child would be very difficult. In X's situation, they also have a second child who I think is also in MLC--or perhaps they just raised two very narcissistic kids.

I send an occasional picture of D to them, although I do not get replies and haven't spoken to them in years now. I do not plan to initiate contact with them. However, if they initiated, I would respond, albeit vaguely as Mermaid suggested.