FIB - You have just given me a wonderful new phrase - "horizontal refreshment". As in: " I'd like to be gettin' me some horizontal refreshment with my new guy right about now".
...tears coming down. I love George Carlin. Great stuff. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I'm so NOT into giving HER the passports but maybe it's my training to be paranoid and distrustful...or maybe it's her being a nut case. Which is why I'd choose to be there but if not, if you know you can't be in the same room as her, make sure you have given enough info to the kids esp the boy for now, that he KNOWS...btw, don't assume that d7 wants to stay with mom. I believe strongly that she is feeling (or will soon) that you are choosing NOT to hang with her or that you don't miss her the way you miss your son. I say this from experience Frank as my d's took h's departure much harder in the long run. Trust issues with men prevail. d21 breaks up at the drop of a hat with boys who barely make mistakes and she is PICKY as hell. Yes she's a beauty but it is not selfishness that stops her; it's distrust of men. She also said to me "why should I get married? Women give up way more than men..." and this kills me... They still resent h at times and are less patient with h when he is strict, or "chore driven", etc. He feels sad these days due to his mother's recent death, and I'm glad to say the kids HAVE been there for him - but not like they would be for me and mine. It's b/c he left, and I fear that in some ways, your kids will feel you left too, depending on how your stbxw's words go. (Loved Kerry's description of her that included the word "batchitt" --MUST adopt that term)
But our d's felt rejected partly on my behalf (your d's identifying with stbxw??) and partly b/c he left the home. D16 (now d21) said at the time "Guess dad doesn't want to be part of my life b/c he's gone to a job..." etc and until mil's funeral 2 weeks ago, when our d spoke about not knowing his mother well but trying to now, after the fact, h did not realize how little his family of origin knows his own kids. I finally answered him and said "did you know your family did not call once while you were gone, unless you were here--then they called YOU...." and this amazed him and then, I think, it shamed him. He's a lucky man to have this family here with him still.
FOIB-All I am saying Frank, is be careful of your tender d's heart. Your boy "gets" you; she may not. Yet. That will be up to you and you will have to try harder with her. But maybe all dads do...your task will be harder if your batchitt stbxw is still in her present state of BPD crazy nut status.
Your stbxw will probably mention that YOU filed so there's also that.....(I bet you she does at some point)...And Your d sees you bond with your son while hesitating to show her affection thanks to batchitt stbxw polluting things. That will improve soon thank GOD.....but your d also sees you playing catch with your son. (Hey, I played softball and your d can tool)
Make sure you do some one on one thing with her too OR teach her to play ball together. Heck, I got some college paid for thanks to my brother's teaching me to play ball (truth be told- they only taught me to play so I could retrieve balls that went into the sewer, but all in all, it was worth it).
FC told me at the time, to stress to the kids what would still remain the same--e.g., seeing their friends will still happen and even if less often, still will happen some, to make specific plans with times and dates and to KEEP those times and dates, AND they'll also make new friends and start over if they're in that mood. And they'll remain in the same school?? IF so, stress that.If not, stress that they won't keep having to move after this move...(unless it's not true...do not make promises you can't keep--please remember that).
They'll still see your side of the family (make sure that happens and have lots of cousins their age around especially early on--seriously, the more connected they feel to your non crazy family, the better).
Frequently Mention the activities you'll be doing with them and begin planning together with BOTH kids around and involved -what trips or activities you will take/do together. Get a map out or offer them 3 choices and let THEM research it and decide which one, and basically show them that they DO have SOME control in their little lives....not all is vaporizing. Not everything is beyond their power....and that you (and what's her name-batthcik chick?) will always love them. (sigh) J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Noted 25....we do do stuff together. She has a gemstone collection that we work on together and we just ordered a new one the other day with me.
Don't forget, D6 had a seizure issue so, we have laid back this year on the physical activities.
Finally, I am having new fears. Today, STBXW went up to CT to visit her sister who lives up there. She took the kids and apparently her entire family is going. We had a big issue in the beginning about have a radius clause built into the stip. They finally relented. I am now concerned that CT may fall into that range. The concern is that we are bordered on the north shore by The Sound and I'm wondering if CT falls into the radius. You can't drive across the water, making that a prohibitively long drive to get there.
Ugh.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
My ex works in the south bronx, and we moved to CT because it was a better commute than getting there from LI. You have to look at the traffic... Even when I go to LI to visit and drive around (instead of taking a ferry), I can get from Danbury, CT to the suffolk county border in 1+1/2 hours. Not fun, but doable, even in a single day.
Donna...thanks for the input. I'm just never sure what is the plan with her. I truly believe she would make live choices based on how much it would hurt me. We don't talk at all anymore. Complete stranger. Communication is by text or email.
Someone suggested having written in the stip if she moves to CT that she should she drive halfway. We'll see. There is a ferry to Bridgeport. It's more scenic but more expensive and doesn't make the trip shorter unless there is crushing traffic.
One day at a time.
It's been quiet of late. No police. I can handle a few negative quips and having my laundry thrown on the floor.
My son pitched very well last weekend in his first preseason game. Proud of him. He needed a bicycle. He is riding some toddler hand-me-down. I couldn't stand it and bought him a new bike today. I charged it. F it. I'll pick it up on Wednesday.
Hey frank_d....good to 'see you'...hope you are well. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You can change anything until the settlement is signed.
A few thoughts because of your contentious situation. Write down your fears, then consider what works. Share with your lawyer. For example:
Passports: Each parent holds onto one of the children's passports. Include that the other parent has to get the consent of the other parent in writing for trips outside of the country including itinerary within a certain time frame.
For distances across oceans, or countries without US borders, the requirements could be tougher.
When the trip is over, the passport is returned within X time frame, with some penalty associated.
For me, this would be based on a 'flight' fear, or the spouse just wanting to be a jerk. I guess it's assuming difficulty (like her not giving you passports when needed)
Moving Radius: Find out the extent of the radius and adjust the radius based on driving/land based distance mileage.
Your almost ex spouse controls through batchitt craziness, being unreasonable. How can you legally counter this type of terrorism?
Identify your needs. Tell your lawyer to fix them.
Of course, the lawyers in this group and those more experienced can advise you better.
