Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[AliSuddenly]

Hey everyone..yes not even a year, mad hey !

I've been busy trying to organise the wedding (this July!) and still cant find a dress..eek! BF is being his usual wonderful devoted self. So wierd. He turned to me last night and said, "I'm so in love with you". Friday night we were driving through a sunny evening to a comedy show and he took my hand and said "I love you so much, everything is perfect".. such a turnaround. He used to drive me about alot when we were apart, all those meals out, back to our hometown etc. I always found the hardest part not being able to reach out and touch him or him hold my hand as couple often do when driving.

I found out recently he had seen Helen twice at work but not mentioned it as to him it was nothing, so I was ok about it. We hadnt seen her together since last July but she was in the pub we went to Friday night. There was no reason for it, but I 'knew' she'd be there and he said he did too. Intuition is a funny thing huh?

I dont think she is over him, she was stood on the over side of the room but she kept looking over as him and me, when she could! I could see over his shoulder. She was being very vivacious and OTT and got very drunk and her friends were clearly tiring of her, got her water, tried to drag her away. She came back later and stood close to our table, again looking sideways at us, but bf kept his back to her all night and didnt want to speak to her, out of respect for me he said. I sort of felt a bit sorry for her. They had an 8 month R and yet he blanked her. She must have felt humiliated.

The bad thing was, she was more attractive in the flesh than her photos looked and that threw me a bit. She was also wearing a top I own and love!! She had nice long dark hair and was taller and curvier than me.

Of course I said to him, I can see why you chose HER instead of coming back to me that summer.. he just said no, he wasnt thinking straight and just hated himself around that time. He also told me by Christmas time he began to worry that I might move away from Cornwall.. how crazy! We were barely in contact then. He said it is crazy, as looking back its obvious he knew even then he wanted to be with me.. but it was another 5 months until he finished with her.

I had an urge to go speak to her, I guess I didnt like that she was so unsettled by us being there and watching us all evening. Just a sad blip in our R I guess, but bf was VERY reassuring and loving today as he knew I was a bit sad about it.

Cornwall is just too small a place !

[Kalni]

Funny, I WISH we bumb into her but Athens is too damn big and I am sure H would not take me to places she could be at.

Sounds like things are going very well Al.I am watching you closely and taking notes...

Happy for you dear!!
xxxx
K

[BobbiJo]

Sounds lovely, Ali...except for the Helen part! But even that was handled well by you and bf (can we call him fiance' now?)

On the touching in the car thing.....that is what makes the whole 'limbo' experience so hard, in my opinion. When Dan and I took the kids on vacation together, we spent so much time walking around together, sitting together, etc it feels like you are so close and yet so far away when you can't just reach out and grab his hand...same when riding in the car together. So glad you get to do all of that simple, daily stuff again!

Good luck finding a dress....what are you looking for? Is it a simple wedding or a fancy one?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K..thankyou and ditto!!!

Hi Bobbi, how are you? I must catch up with everyones sitchs.

I have had trouble because I wanted a natural fabric, cotton or preferably silk and 90% of wedding dresses in the UK are... manmade! Polyester, satin, taffeta, tulle etc. And so expensive too! Unless you go really expensive for silk dresses.. but I have found a local seamstress here who only works with silk who is going to copy a picture of a beautiful french strapless designer dress I saw.. I will post a pic in the alt universe when its finally made! I did a sketch today of what I wanted and she is sending for silk swatches so I can choose. Excited now!

Things have settled down, we've even argued a bit recently from tiredness but its all fine and I no longer get upset or worried if we have a cross word. My Mum says I owe Helen a debt of gratitude because if she hadnt been so awful and high maintenance he may not have been so ready to properly commit and been so grateful to get back with me. He really saw the grass wasnt greener (although it was never really about that, it was really about his depression). He said again at the weekend that HE is the lucky one (as your H is K !)

I had nearly all my fertility tests and all looks 'textbook' and healthy, just one x-ray to go. Still not pg, but I managed to fast track us through the IVF NHS queues and we could start IUI by May/June, if we need it!

Thanks to all my friends here who helped me when I needed it most. I've said it before, but I feel I can never thank you all enough really. This community is an extrodinary thing.

xxx

[Abbey]

Ali!

I'm SOOOOOOO glad to see where you're at. I'm catching up on what's been happening with you and others here. You go girl!

hugs!
Abbey

[MichelleLT]

The dress sounds great! So excited to see pics.

It is so funny because Roger tells me I am so easy to get along with. He talks about some of his ex's and they sound a bit high maintenance and demanding to me, so he really appreciates it. It's a pretty cool feeling lol, although I try not to let him get TOO spoiled.

[AliSuddenly]

sorry for late response but... HI ABBEY!! So great to hear from you and seeing you have been piecing. I remember you stopped posting after your H came back and I wondered how things had turned out, so I'm so happy for you that you guys are still together! Hope its going well? Hi Michelle too.

I've been 'funny' since I saw Helen last week. Its not her fault, I guess it just bought up some latent resentments. He did lead me up the garden path all that summer and then dumped me effectively a 2nd time when he decided to start dating her, so in my mind (although probs not in reality).. it felt like he made a stark choice at that point, HER over me. He says not, he doesnt know what he was thinking/doing and was just "insane". He even asked me last night if I was having 2nd thoughts (about getting M)... I guess I was. Not because I think he will do it again, just part of me feels a bit of a sap for waiting for him whilst he was dating someone else. It will pass, its been a funny few weeks for many of my friends and in the world... the volcano ash is an example of how wierd life can be at times!!
x

[MichelleLT]

We are all a bunch of saps then, regardless of how our stitches worked out LOL.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Ali)))))
Can I say, knowing that you were not married... I thought you were crazy at times! But you stuck to a plan, you detached, you took care of yourself, and look what happened! You were not a sap! Let's say he still didn't come back. Weren't you a lot better prepared to handle that, if it had happened, than you would have been if you had not gone through the DB process?

You are proof that even in the most likely case, DBing can work. It doesn't mean it always will. But it can, if you are willing to stick with it!

[AliSuddenly]

Ahh, well the feeling has faded and fiance is being his usual, loving self. I realised yesterday, this is what he was like in the early years together (until his Dad got ill and he got depressed).. so loving and devoted.

Hi Jeff! Thats an interesting viewpoint. In the UK, if you are in a longterm R and living together,especially as homeowners, you are regarded as 'married' or theres no loss or difference in status alongside married couples. Most of our friends are either M or longterm LT and you wouldnt tell them apart! More than that though, I just KNEW we were meant to be together. I must have seemed crazy to peeps in RL too! Afterall he had seemingly 'moved on' to a new GF, although I was told by friends (and fiance!)since that noone really believed he had moved on, even when he was with Helen!

I'm actually feeling a bit lonely, or maybe sad. I read someone posting about how you can NOW mourn what happened as at the time, you couldnt because you were DBing. Or I see it that I was DBing, you arent then accepting or mourning thats it over, as you maintain hope and it keeps the old R as if present and current. Now I can look back and realise I was single and heartbroken.

Now the questions have stopped, its behind us, we are back where we were and its like I dreamt it.. I feel sad about what we went through (him too). I had to do a work visit yesterday to where he moved when he left me and I drove to his apartment and looked in the garden into the rooms...I felt so sad standing there and like it wasd down a long distant tunnel, that girl who would have LOVED to have been invited to that flat. I could still remember how I felt.. and I cant believe how much I cried. Wow, I cried every day for 4 months when he left me and for a year in all.

I'm not explaining very well, but nearly a year on, now I am mourning it, quietly.