I agree w/ Allen in that you clearly dodged a bullet- I know that joking and keeping things light is good, but in these sitches, ALMOST ANYTHING can be taken the wrong way and used against you...just be wary.
I think the money thing was nice- especially to support the cause...be carefull though of insisting, as it may be misconstrued as a battle of wills...
UGH- seriously anything you do can be flipped on you, so just be conscious of that, I believe you are to a degree.
I know its not fair, bu thats the way it goes w/ the WAS...
With the OIN, I think its best if you kept any private information on your PC at work or at least someplace else that she wont' look at. You locking things down does NOT help your case at ALL right now...
She has trust issues, is ready to walk, and you start locking down your phone? I dunno... I would put my private contacts (OMW etc) on my work PC that she doesn't see or something like that... don't you have a desk or something at work?
You are right about it not helping but I am kind of trapped right now. I do not have a work pc or a desk, I work out of a vehicle.
Its past logs I am worried about, nothing recent. I would love to allow her access. The big issue is my laptop burned out on me 2 months ago and we have been sharing the same laptop.
I have nothing to hide but if she sees this website or other material I have been reading I think she would use that against me.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Buy a new laptop and keep it in your vehicle.. I assume she doens't go in there...
You want to protect your therapy related info and your affair-busting info, but at the same time you don't want her to think you are keeping secrets that are to her detriment either.
If she KNOWS you are KEEPINg things from her she will ASSUME the WORST right now... and you are NOT setting an example this way.. SHE can now lock up whatever she likes and YOU are a sitting DUCK for it... you have NO position to challenger since YOU are doing the same thing
Well, from her perspective anyways. I DO realise there is an important difference between keeping secrets TO SAVE a marriage and keeping secrets to DESTROY a marriage.
Allen, I am at a loss for words...damn if I do and damn if I don't. My intentions were to preserve any opportunity we had a reconciliation not to sabotage it.
I will figure out a better computer situation. I am sure I can pull an old one out from the basement. I don't have the luxury of purchasing a new laptop.
I am beating myself up on how I can work this all out. I was dishonest to her but only because I knew it would destroy all hope if she felt as if I was still controlling her or the situation.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
If you have nothing to hide, why do you have to hide something? She may have a point.
I kept in contact with OM and OMW. She told me if I did she would leave bit I felt it was necessary to do so. She would not accept the fact I was doing it to protect our marriage because to her there is no marriage. She views it as "you talk to him/her so why can't I talk to him?" Which would lead her to pursue OM more. I since have stopped talking to each but there are past logs. She told me right out, if I go through all the logs and see you talked to her just once I will find someplace to stay and leave"
Luckily at the time the most recent logs were not posted, but they are now. If she sees them it would be that much harder/worse for our marriage and reconciliation.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I kept in contact with OM and OMW. She told me if I did she would leave bit I felt it was necessary to do so.
And you wonder why she considers you "controlling"? "To save your marriage" is a cop-out.
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
She would not accept the fact I was doing it to protect our marriage because to her there is no marriage.
And why should there be? Why do you get to keep secrets from her but she doesn't get to keep them from you? Why should she ever believe that you are willing to trust her again when you so obviously don't?
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
I was dishonest to her but only because I knew it would destroy all hope if she felt as if I was still controlling her or the situation.
That's because you are trying to control her; you can't build a healthy relationship on lies and mistrust. At some point, you have to choose to trust her again.
She's already unfriended you on Facebook and removed all of your friends. How much more damage are you going to do in the name of saving your R before it's too late?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I kept in contact with OM and OMW. She told me if I did she would leave bit I felt it was necessary to do so.
And you wonder why she considers you "controlling"? "To save your marriage" is a cop-out.
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
She would not accept the fact I was doing it to protect our marriage because to her there is no marriage.
And why should there be? Why do you get to keep secrets from her but she doesn't get to keep them from you? Why should she ever believe that you are willing to trust her again when you so obviously don't?
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
I was dishonest to her but only because I knew it would destroy all hope if she felt as if I was still controlling her or the situation.
That's because you are trying to control her; you can't build a healthy relationship on lies and mistrust. At some point, you have to choose to trust her again.
She's already unfriended you on Facebook and removed all of your friends. How much more damage are you going to do in the name of saving your R before it's too late?
There are reasons why you would have to go way back in the thread to see. I attacked a possible A head on before it became something more. After the confrontation my W still pursued OM. OM, trying to mend his M thought it would be best we stayed in contact, so we did. OMW wanted to stay in contact so we could monitor the situation and we did. Communication has stopped.
As petty as this is getting... My W has not removed me as her friend on facebook, our status is still actually listed as being married to eachother. A status she can easily change if she felt it were necessary.
I am not an expert at DBing I made many mistakes in our R. I am seeking help for my issues. It is a process. I have never experienced this before to know how to respond in certain situations. I only have good intentions. What you say is logical and unfortunately at that time I was not thinking logistical...I am only looking for help to save our marriage
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
If you have nothing to hide, why do you have to hide something? She may have a point.
I kept in contact with OM and OMW. She told me if I did she would leave bit I felt it was necessary to do so. She would not accept the fact I was doing it to protect our marriage because to her there is no marriage. She views it as "you talk to him/her so why can't I talk to him?" Which would lead her to pursue OM more. I since have stopped talking to each but there are past logs. She told me right out, if I go through all the logs and see you talked to her just once I will find someplace to stay and leave"
Luckily at the time the most recent logs were not posted, but they are now. If she sees them it would be that much harder/worse for our marriage and reconciliation.
OIN, she really is spinning things. Like they say, in the battle you are in with her at this stage - "the one who cares least wins". Winning is issuance of the most damage. Thats the phase she's in, a "revenge" phase, a "power" phase. It has nothing to do with love.
If you can find a way to "knock" her out of the mentality without touching her, that will be in your advantage.
Also whenever you feel you are "beating yourself up", I found it was a good time to go for a walk, a run or go to the gym. It will flip that emotion and you can work it out.
