Don't know if you ever read my posts, but for everything you've detailed, there's a very simple solution again...Back Off.
She says you're controlling. She says you won't change. Etc.
Stop engaging in conversations to make her change her mind or see things differently. The reason why DB says to not bring up R talks is precisely for this. Let her see the changes in you. Actions more than words. Let her come up with her own conclusions.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
DLS, I appreciate your input and advice. Although I am being put through hell...part of me deserves and the other needs to endure it because I still want my W and I will do what ever it takes to reconcile.
I have backed off. I have not initiated any relationship talks with my W. I pretty much outlined in my last post what happened in the past 48hrs, and where it took a turn for the worse after I thought progress was being made.
Today, she came home from work. She was not in that bad of a mood. I made some food/lunch and she had some. She talked to me about something she read in the paper. We sat down and started to watch a movie. Then we watched another movie. The food upset her stomach so now she is laying down till it settles.
During the movies, as when we have watched other movies during the sitch, we shared a laugh. When I say "share a laugh" I mean we looked at each other in the eyes and started to smile/laugh. Feels good when that happens.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
You have a different situation. If she comes back and reattaches and becomes your wife again, I say go for it.
Oh, by the way - in my situation, my wife would need to CHANGE or drop some behaviors to stay with a man like myself. This isn't definately about me being the one to change.
If your wife keeps attaching and pulling away to your great pain, while expecting you to do a ton of changing while she keeps her ways that are hurtful to you - I'd say weigh it out, you may have to leave.
OIN- I can remember being envious of your still having W at home...I also very much remember the behavior you're describing...very painful to deal w/.
Like Bond said- watch the pursuit and pressure. You need to be very one dimensional- like Mr Spock...no emotion...sucks b/c I know you feel more now than ever before, but thats what the sitch calls for.
She will rip at your heart and guts...
Validate what you can, get a good cry in in private and PMA!!
It gets easier when they are gone, but they are mostly gone when they leave...like mine- I am not a part of her life at all...sure it makes it easier- but I feel forgotten...
You are in the game and you obv care...if she's leaving- I say eff some of the hardass stuff- enjoy every minute you have w/ her, make sure its stress free and lots of laughs...
Exude love but not the kind that will turn her off...
Give her some awsome memories to draw from...she will remember them.
Thats just my advice...
no drama no sweat no pressure...just the OIN she fell in love w/- make her walk out on that guy, not the contolling busy and routine based guy we can become when we get comfortable...
W woke up just as I was leaving for work. She was upset that she had nothing to pack for lunch for work the next morning. She was still not feeling well and in no mood to do any shopping. So I told her I would bring her lunch
I met her this morning and gave her a ride from the lot to her work place...we had a few different convos. We laughed, I gave her the lunch and she said "thank you" and exited the vehicle. She lost her footing as she was getting out... So I joked and said "want to try that again" she laughed and walked away. I said bye but got no response but I don't think she heard me..
We'll see the remainder of the day goes. She is going to that benefit today (the one that sparked an argument)
Also I want to mention that my W sent her father a txt message telling him how much of a great person he is and that his GF is lucky to have him.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
You MIGHT want to ask her if she's OK next time.. she MAY have laughed at the joke man, but I honestly don't think that's the best way to handle a wife losing footing...
What's this about you locking up your phone logs on her?
Allen, It is not as bad as I made it seem. She was attempting to get out of my vehicle we were parked close to the curb she did not know the curb was so close that she stepped out on to it and feel back into her seat. She started to laugh and I said "are you ok?" She said "yes" and then I said what was posted above. She continued to laugh.
Yes I changed the log in to the phone logs. No matter what every time she checks the logs. She has access to my phone I delete nothing but for some reason she is always looking for something that is not there and she gets to the point where she starts attacking me and our R. What I mean is...if she finds nothing it gets her more upset because she still thinks something should/was there and the result is her getting very irritated and telling me how bad she wants out the M even more so. I think the phone logs trigger memories.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Allen, It is not as bad as I made it seem. She was attempting to get out of my vehicle we were parked close to the curb she did not know the curb was so close that she stepped out on to it and feel back into her seat. She started to laugh and I said "are you ok?" She said "yes" and then I said what was posted above. She continued to laugh.
Yup, you lucked out there. Can you see how she COULD have turned that comment on you and BLASTED you instead as being inconsiderate?
You are just LUCKY man, that in my opinion was a bad call... you SET yourself UP for her to HIT you again ... you are just lucky she didn't... you need to control what you say to her man...
I can see how that scenario COULD have turned right against you ...
YOU : Wanna try that again?
HER : So now I can't even walk properly? I am SO SORRY I dissappointed YOU!
Gets out of the car and STORMS OFF...
------------
She COULD have said that, and YOU invited it.. you dodged a BULLET there man. Do NOT give her ANY REASON to get defensive or feel under attack.
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
Yes I changed the log in to the phone logs. No matter what every time she checks the logs. She has access to my phone I delete nothing but for some reason she is always looking for something that is not there and she gets to the point where she starts attacking me and our R. What I mean is...if she finds nothing it gets her more upset because she still thinks something should/was there and the result is her getting very irritated and telling me how bad she wants out the M even more so. I think the phone logs trigger memories.
I don't think you deleting stuff is helping your case at all... she needs to see you are being transparent about everything except your marital therapy exchanges (including this forum).
I don't think you deleting stuff is helping your case at all... she needs to see you are being transparent about everything except your marital therapy exchanges (including this forum).
I have not deleted anything. I just changed the password.
My W just left for the benefit. Before she left I told her "To be careful and enjoy herself." something the old me would not have said...then I asked "Do you have enough money?" she said she had money. I then went into my pocket and pulled out some money and tried to hand it to her. She said "I told you I have money I don't need it" I said "It is not for you, it is for the cause and I want to show support. I am sure there will be raffles or something there, just out it toward that" She was upset and reluctantly took the money. Then our dog ran out the door and we had to chase her down. My W blamed me for that. We caught the dog. I told my W "We got her, it's OK, stay calm and go have fun" Then my W left....
Allen email..
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Most of your exchanges she appears to communicate that "I am not really with you". However bursting the affair is kind of leaving things, where the logical and GOOD choice is just to bring her ass all the way back home. However PRIDE and EGO will get someone to make the wrong choice, even the the goo dchoice is much better for them, and they know it. They'll lie. I hope yours works out to your favour. You sound like a good man.
