How to approach W about OM

[Allen A]

It WAS working MrBond... he just had a backslide yesterday.

Rebuilding trust takes TIME.

You can't just dismiss the past because you WANT to dismiss it. IF his wife is HURT and ANGRY about something he DID DO then that needs respect and attention, not dismissals... waving a spouse off who's been sincerely hurt (and OIN has acknoweledged that) is NOT going to make OIN any more appealing right now.

OIN has acknoeldged controlling too much in the past, so maybe jsut let his wife have the command of the home for a while to give her some confidence and build some trust here. I have been ripped off monetarilly from people in the past and it does take TIME to rebuild that .. a few months is nothing.

[Marked&Healed]

You need patience, OIN. It hasn't been long enough. LOL, I know about Patience... I don't have ANY of it. It's only been three DAYS since exposure for me and I'm trying to figure out what I've done wrong and right... the fallout hasn't even happened yet.

Allen's right. For me in the past, it took over a year to get the D busted, it was a long, hard road and you need to take care of YOU so you have the energy to continue.

[Allen A]

YOu made it to the end of the thread Pass!?

Congradulations! lol

Long story I know.

I hope you found the earlier parts useful in some way. I don't get to see many exposure campaigns let during a double affair.. it was great to see how much impact it has had for both of you.

I think its a killer tactic based on these two samples from you and OIN.. you both ahve done a great job being bold enogh to take the affair to teh OP's doorstep and beyond.

And it DOES seem to have a lot of impact.

[OfficerInNeed]

I just confirmed my W did do a search on how to remove her name from the mortgage.

I have been keeping my distance from her all day. I pretty much stay upstairs while she has stayed down stairs. A few times today she called me down stairs to show me something or came upstairs to see what I was doing. When I was downstairs she asked me a few times to get her something and of course I did.

I feel more at loss today than I have in the past 3-4 weeks. She is now actually researching how to go about the separation.

Up till yesterday it was easy to act "as if" because I felt more optimistic about our sitch but in the past 24hrs it has taken a dramatic turn for the worse.

[Allen A]

This is when SNOOPING is BAD...

[sandi2]

I am certainly up for the task. I have never felt this way about her and I have so much to give and I hope its not "too little too late."

Marriage has never meant so much to me. I did so much damage to our R and I am willing to endure hell to reconcile...and have endurer as much so far but I keep going

And if she suddenly becomes a clinging vine and needing a lot of emotional things from you, and wanting you to spend all your free time with her....will you still be so intent on keeping her? One reason you want her so badly is b/c you are on the verge of losing her, but what if that changes?

[OfficerInNeed]

I am certainly up for the task. I have never felt this way about her and I have so much to give and I hope its not "too little too late."

Marriage has never meant so much to me. I did so much damage to our R and I am willing to endure hell to reconcile...and have endurer as much so far but I keep going

And if she suddenly becomes a clinging vine and needing a lot of emotional things from you, and wanting you to spend all your free time with her....will you still be so intent on keeping her? One reason you want her so badly is b/c you are on the verge of losing her, but what if that changes?

if that suddenly happened I would be a very happy person. I always wanted her but never thought she would leave and so the routine continued. I always thought she would be mine. Now I know the reality of it all is she WILL LEAVE and if she decided to give us one more chance I would NEVER ruin it again. I would NEVER HURT her again....

You know sandi, I was actually in the living room watching TV with her on a separate couch. I was in a rut, not just because I am losing her or have already lost her but because I was VERY disappointed in myself for what happened in the past 24hrs. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I decided to go up stairs not exactly sure what I should do from this point. So I read your post and got up and went right back down stairs and continues to watch TV with her until she went to bed.

I want her to know how I feel about her but I don't want to pressure her. I want to be a person where when it came down to it she would question herself "Do I really want someone else having something this good when I can have it for myself?" and I don't know how to accomplish this.

I said "goodnight" to her tonight and have not said it since week 3 or so in our sitch. She did not say it back but I thought "If she left, would she miss my 'goodnight's? "

It is not a question of how I feel about her but rather how she feels about me. I want to become someone she will miss if she made that decision to leave. I pray she it does not come to that point....

[Allen A]

I want her to know how I feel about her... I want to be a person where when it came down to it she would question herself "Do I really want someone else having something this good when I can have it for myself?"

Have it for yourself?

I think you mean... WE can SHARE this TOGETHER.. right?

[OfficerInNeed]

I broke down and decided to purchased the DB coaching sessions. I want to make sure I try everything to save our marriage. Unfortunately it is the weekend so no one is available at this time. I need some DB tips till then.

Here is a outline of the past 48 hours.
- W said there is nothing I can do.
- W said she will be leaving in a few weeks
- W said I am controlling
- W said she sees no changes and that it is all a front.
- I made a stupid comment and she said "that comment ruined any change you my have had"
- I looked at her phone seen a name and asked who it was. She was calm at first but I did not leave it alone and kept asking "and" and "why" she then became upset
- W said I don't know the real her only who I wanted her to be She has lived a lie for 10 years.
- W said leaving me is her first step to happiness.
- W said she has a hard time trusting people and it will take a lot for her to trust me again.
- I said to W "If you honestly think that in the past 3 months I have not changed any bit, please tell me because I will seek help else where because what I am doing now is not working" W gave no response and actually looked away.
- I said to W "I hope one day we can sit down and I can get to know the "real you"
- W searching the Internet on how to remove herself from the mortgage
- W thinks I am talking to OW. She has access to my phone anytime. I do not allow her to check phone logs anymore because it is a parasite. No matter what it gets her upset and she picks a fight.
- W does not care what I have to say or about anything that has to do with me, she is living her life and stuck in "my" house.

[DaddyLongShanks]

OIN,

You'll be fine. Mine just told me today that I was talking with her friends, etc over the last few months. It is not true, she believes all these untruths, is very rigid and untrusting of me, controlling at an insane level. I don't like what she's saying she is anyway, and having not even fully started my DB'ing - why should I mold myself for someone who won't do the same for me. One whose behaviors are embarrassing for me, one who likes to humiliate me, one who WILL put me in harms way or cost me time and money.

She told me today she's done after I explained to her, that I haven't talked to her friend since last year when the friend thought she was dropping a bomb by telling me she cheated on me. She won't believe what I say and I'm fine with that.

I'm going to let her stay in her crazy world and pray to god that she doesn't regress to even worse high school like behavior for my kids sake.

I've been thrown out of my family and it doesn't feel good at all. I'm not trying to have a pity party either. Its time to start living at a million miles and hour, and to let this one who "JUST CANT STAND TO SEE ME HAPPY" go on about their life.

Take care of yourself dude, there are a lot of women who deserve a man as good as you. I'm going to do the same.