Do you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder? I have the Generalized variety myself.
Absolutely LOVED the ball analogy...I CAN relate! But gee, wouldn't it be nice if it were a nice stable mode of transportation? One less likely to tip and spin out of control without hypervigilant attention?
Are you being treated for your anxiety Bill?
I know I'm sounding like a bit of a pill hawker but that is NOT my intention! I only know that when my low dose Celexa took effect...my "Ball" turned more into a skate board...working on self talk, self soothing, DBing all of those things became easier, and periods of effortless balance, taking turns and curves with confidence increased dramatically.
Do I still tumble off sometimes? OF COURSE! (especially when I or CJ are feeling ill)...it's just rarer, and easier to get back on and start moving forward!!!
Okay I'm going to post this and then respond to some other things from your post. (Anxious about losing long posts! )
Quote: 3) taking the inititive of taking pictures and making sure W was in them - this kind of thing is REALLY important to her and she's always sad that she's not in the pictures 'cause she takes them. I usually find all the picture-taking annoying, but I know it's important to her so I took charge of it.
As this is a HUGE issue for me, too, I want to highlight it for you, Bill.
I, too LOVE having photos, I treasure them, and YES I like some of them to include ME!!! I have noticed a pattern in my R in which I have to ASK CJ to take pictures of me.
We brought the camera to our halloween party too, and the only shots that were taken with it were two I ASKED CJ to take of me holding my pal's Cat (I was dressed as a cat)...
I want to COMMEND you on doing this act of service for your W, especially since it's not really something you love doing.
CJ prides himself on being a good photographer, even has a digital camera (gift from me) which he never uses anymore.
Bill, is your Wife happy about how she looks? What do you think about offering to take some "art" photos of her? This is a personal fantasy of mine.
That CJ would be interested enough to WANT to take good photos of me, serious ones, face shots, perhaps some tasteful body shots with drapery....
Shots that she can hang on to, maybe some won't be for sharing!, but it is SUCH a great way of showing love and appreciation, and given what she's said I think it might just really do something for your W!!!
Quote: I'm slipping back into bad habits. Staying up late and getting up late, so W ends up taking care of the boys more often in the morning.
Not great (you KNOW I can sympathise, right??? )...but WONDERFUL little behavioural reminders...at least you SEE this pattern and are working to change it!!!
Thanks for the posts! I'm always glad to hear your voice - er - read your... text... I mean...
Quote: Do you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder?... Are you being treated for your anxiety Bill?
No, I haven't been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The day after the bomb, I presented myself in my doctor's office and basically said "I'm depressed! Treat me!" I told him that I generally experience a great deal of anxiety, but he said it sounded more like symptoms of depression rather than an anxiety disorder - he was looking for panic attacks, elevated heart rate, that kind of thing, which I really don't experience. Anyway, he said that the medication I'm on (Lexapro) should take care of both problems, if I interpreted it correctly. I've actually been wondering when I should get OFF the medication, concensous so far seems to be after the holidays at the soonest.
Quote: As this is a HUGE issue for me, too, I want to highlight it for you, Bill.
I, too LOVE having photos, I treasure them, and YES I like some of them to include ME!!! I have noticed a pattern in my R in which I have to ASK CJ to take pictures of me.
We brought the camera to our halloween party too, and the only shots that were taken with it were two I ASKED CJ to take of me holding my pal's Cat (I was dressed as a cat)...
I want to COMMEND you on doing this act of service for your W, especially since it's not really something you love doing.
Thank you!! I was happy to have that lightbulb moment - W talks about this all the time, so BING! suddenly I realized what would be good to do.
Quote: Bill, is your Wife happy about how she looks? What do you think about offering to take some "art" photos of her? This is a personal fantasy of mine.
Well, now I have a story. I read your post before I went home. W said that she was having a hard time today, a lot of negative thoughts and self-talk. She got pictures back today and was very unhappy about the way she looked. I, of course, told her that she looks beautiful, looked through the pictures, etc. She was happy that, well, I guess I validated her. Anyway, I pulled out your suggestion, Shiny - I said, how about you get all dolled up, we'll get some black-and-white film, put you against some cool backgrounds and I'll take pictures. She really liked the idea - asked if we could include the boys. Okay - not EXACTLY your idea , but she seemed to really like what I was saying.
W isn't happy with her body right now, no. Her body is different after the (twin) pregnancy - has recently talked about getting a tummy tuck (her skin was stretched out beyond the snap-back point) and breast lift. Whereas I used to would have said, I think you're beautiful honey, you don't need to do that, what I'm saying now is I think you're beautiful, but if it will make you feel better about yourself then let's do it. I don't want to be dismissive about her feelings, so I think this is a plan now for some time next year, at a point where she'll be able to plan some time to recover. It'll be good, because this IS a source of her feeling bad about herself.
Quote: Not great (you KNOW I can sympathise, right??? )...but WONDERFUL little behavioural reminders...at least you SEE this pattern and are working to change it!!!
I'm changing it. Actually, the REASON that C said that I'm too hard on myself is that I told her I'd put signs around the house telling me to go to bed and get up at 6:00.
Thanks for the encouragement, Shiny, I really appreciate it.
So, tonight, I was trying to shake that feeling that she's distant, and finally thought, so what? I don't need to determine if she is or isn't, my behavior should not change either way. Act as if, right? She actually noted that I was in a good mood. Good stuff - bringing postive energy into the home. THAT'S the solution. That's what I can do.
We all went out to the bookstore, home depot, etc. and had a pretty good outing. Our coversation led to her moving into the master bedroom. She said that she has this fear that she'll be in the guest room indefinitely, and said that she's afraid that I'm just going to get fed up and say, it's time for you to come back. I asked her what she'd do, and she said panic - it's like a phobia or pathology. I told her later that it's a source of pain for me, and that I DO want her to come back; I still feel in limbo. I made it clear I'm just expressing my feelings, it's not a demand or anything. She said that this is the best-case scenario, it's better than her living somewhere else, and we agreed that it was going to require time. I guess she thinks that at some point it'll just going to happen, she said that she has no timeline in mind, that these things seem to happen more quickly than we anticipate so why put a timeline on it. Anyway, we cuddled and talked for awhile and she went to bed. It was a good-feeling conversation.
Well, I'm over my fit, I'm feeling okay, and it was a bit of a learning experience, actually, going through it, observing it with some of the new perspective I have, and figuring out how to get out of it.
Hey there Bill! I think it is perfectly natural for some fear to come creeping back in and get us a bit mixed up and anxious as we work to set things in our lives right. Have you considered setting aside a little time in the morning just for yourself...ie. set the alarm for fifteen minutes earlier than you need to be up, get some coffee and journal or meditate, or walk, whatever. Use that time to focus only on the GOOD things in your life. You'll come back to your day after that fifteen minutes, refreshed and renewed. Sort of a PMA jump start for your day!
Great offer to take bandw photos of wife and so, if she wants kids in photos,too...great...the photos are for her, right? Maybe after you get a little closer in the intimacy department..which may take much time and patience on your part but will be worth it...you can suggest some sexier bandw photos...perhaps after she has the tummy tuck and breast lift she wants...
Also, remember that this time of year many folks get depressed so keep tabs on that and work hard to combat it. I have to myself, and it's not always easy. I have to force myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour and to get up at a reasonable hour....but it's worth it.
Remember not to read to much into your w's actions...we aren't mind readers. No one is at their best when they don't feel well...
And one more suggestion, you can take or leave, but why not try to do something nice for her everyday...without telling her you did it or expecting any response at all from her. Selfless giving...and you are great at stuff like this, so why not give it a shot? It will get you focused on positive action and out of your self....which may lift your anxiety! And Bill, you already are perfectly imperfect, and exactly who you are supposed to be...a growing, progressing human striving to improve! So don't sweat trying to be perfect! You're great just the way you are! A masterpiece in progress.....
Quote: So, tonight, I was trying to shake that feeling that she's distant, and finally thought, so what? I don't need to determine if she is or isn't, my behavior should not change either way. Act as if, right? She actually noted that I was in a good mood. Good stuff - bringing postive energy into the home. THAT'S the solution. That's what I can do.
Awesome. Love the attitude about that.
Quote: Our coversation led to her moving into the master bedroom. She said that she has this fear that she'll be in the guest room indefinitely, and said that she's afraid that I'm just going to get fed up and say, it's time for you to come back. I asked her what she'd do, and she said panic - it's like a phobia or pathology. [snip] I guess she thinks that at some point it'll just going to happen, she said that she has no timeline in mind, that these things seem to happen more quickly than we anticipate so why put a timeline on it.
Bill, why not suggest to her (when she's ready), that you swap rooms for a little while? Let her get used to being in the bedroom again, without the anxiety about you being in there.
Quote: Have you considered setting aside a little time in the morning just for yourself...ie. set the alarm for fifteen minutes earlier than you need to be up, get some coffee and journal or meditate, or walk, whatever. Use that time to focus only on the GOOD things in your life. You'll come back to your day after that fifteen minutes, refreshed and renewed. Sort of a PMA jump start for your day!
This is really something to think about - thanks for the suggestion. The way I am now, I tend to stay up late for my personal time, which I really feel I need - and end up not being able to get up. So... if I cah fulfill my "love of sleep" at night and get some private time in the morning, that might work for me. I HATE feeling rushed in the morning, too... there was a time before I knew W where I got in the habit of getting up at 5:30 am to go cycling and I really liked that. Had started this up again last Jan with the treadmill, but that fell to pieces with everything happening this year. SOmething to think about - and good motivation for getting up too, something to look forward to in the morning.
Quote: Remember not to read to much into your w's actions...we aren't mind readers. No one is at their best when they don't feel well...
She just left a message saying "THis is your lovely wife, calling to tell you I love you..." - yeah, I think things are good.
Quote: And one more suggestion, you can take or leave, but why not try to do something nice for her everyday...without telling her you did it or expecting any response at all from her. Selfless giving...and you are great at stuff like this, so why not give it a shot? It will get you focused on positive action and out of your self....which may lift your anxiety!
This is exactly right. This is the mindset that got me this far. Thanks for the reminder!
Thanks for the comments and PMA boost Alaska!
Quote: Awesome. Love the attitude about that.
Thanks David - good thing to carry around in my head, keeps me on-track.
Quote: Bill, why not suggest to her (when she's ready), that you swap rooms for a little while? Let her get used to being in the bedroom again, without the anxiety about you being in there.
You know, sometimes I think you guys are feeding me lines and ideas just as I need them - read this post when I woke up this morning. Soon after, W told me that she felt a lot of quilt over not being in the bedroom after our conversation, and she almost came and got in bed with me because of it. I told her that I didn't want her to do it out of guilt - guilt leads to resentment, which leads to divorce, which leads us to be unhappy for the rest of our lives. She appreciated my joke. Anyway, I suggested that we swap and see how it works, and she said no, not yet anyway. Maybe and idea to keep in my toolbox for when it's right.
Quote: Bill, why not suggest to her (when she's ready), that you swap rooms for a little while? Let her get used to being in the bedroom again, without the anxiety about you being in there.
I really like this one from CHL. It could be worth investigating in time........
And I'd like to ditto Alaska's last comment
Quote: A masterpiece in progress
. Love that one.....
As always, you've got your perspective on things and it sounds good. BTW- if you need a "wake-up" call at 6 some of us on the East coast could give you a ring since it's later on our side...(ha ha) Tootles..........
I'd like to nominate BillM for the Take BB suggestions and WIN" prize of the week. "
Just thought this up as I read your amazing posts Bill!!!
I see SOOOO much positive in your sitch!!
Shiny
BTW...Generalized Anxiety Disorder, unlike ALL the rest of them, does NOT feature panic or over-reactive physiological responses....in fact we're known as "autonomic (fight/flight) restrictors" who process most of our worries in WORDS, and experience a great deal of muscle tension.
Also..although not all anxious people are depressed, ALL people with clinical depression experience anxiety as well.
Darn...I wish I could send H to you for about a week so you could give him lessons on how best to deal with women Even in your "spaz" moments you still get it right I just love reading how your R is progressing...truly one of the awesome miracles that DB'ing can invoke!
Keep it up Bill! Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
)
)...but WONDERFUL little behavioural reminders...at least you SEE this pattern and are working to change it!!!
I just love reading how your R is progressing...truly one of the awesome miracles that DB'ing can invoke!