How to approach W about OM

[4luv]

OIN,

what happened? Never say you 'ruined' anything. You have been on this board day in and day out trying to improve yourself from the man that you were. You haven't 'ruined' anything. Calm down and please explain. We all make mistakes but they aren't REALLY mistakes. We are all trying to love our spouses through the rough and bad times. So mistakes are just that. No one is perfect.

[OfficerInNeed]

After this morning we went up to the hospital for a visit. We were met there by my W father. He asked if we had anything planned for today and we should (my W and I) take a ride together somewhere.

My W and I left and we went for a bite to eat then walked around the mall. My W is not into the facebook thing but does have a facebook account. OMW sister had left my W a message on there with many threats. The message was dated a few weeks back but this was the first time my W had seen it. It instantly put her in a bad mood which I tried to calm her from but was not working. My W had told me not to delete the message...and I said "I won't, I would not do that to you" she said "Cause I want to save it." and stupid me said "Why so you can show OM?" and my W got upset, understandably.

When we got in the car my W read the entire message and said something along the lines of "I usually don't hate people without knowing them first but I HATE OMW. She does not know me and she all she does is disrespect me" and I said "do you not ever think that maybe these people feel disrespected by you?"

My W got VERY upset and said "OK, I see whose side your taking." I said "Your my W I will support you and only you" and she replies "That does not matter."

I said "All I am saying in everyone involved got disrespect and their feelings hurt from this whole situation so please don't feel like your the only victim" and of course that made it even worse.

We get home, my W asked if I can go get the laptop and I said yes, but I had to clean up a little mess the dog made first. While doing so she went and grabbed the laptop herself saying something under hear breath as she walked away. My W hooked the printer up and I asked "Your not going to print that out are you?" and she said "Yes." My W wanted documentation just in case OMW and sister did live up to their words which I understand. My W thought I had a problem with that and got even more upset.

I was digging myself into a deeper hole and getting upset myself. I wanted to say so much but all I could say at the time but I would open my mouth stop and say "never mind it does not matter" and more W would say "No say what you gotta say, tell me how you feel" and went I started to she would cut me off and say "does not matter anyway." I told my W I realized what a terrible person I was and I needed to change not just for our marriage but for me as well. I needed a new outlook on life. My W said she would NEVER forgive me for what I done. I said in return, I know you say that and I hope one day you will be until then I need forgiveness from God, so I could forgive myself and hopefully one day you will too. She made it bvery clear that one day will never come.

My W then started to say how this marriage will be over soon. She is happy I am making changes but she does not see them and that she is trying to find happiness herself. She said her first step to happiness is when she leaves and never sees me again and her name is changed. I said in response "If that is what would really make you happy, understand I don't want this, but I will leave here now and give you that happiness" she said "no it is your house because I don't want it. I have my room and you have yours." She continues to say some harsh things and it got the very best of me and she had something that set me off so much that I said "So what you can move on and F OM?" I could not believe I said that......she was furious. she then said "YOu know what? that right there proves you DID NOT CHANGE" that you are the same person you always where.

My W then proceeded to say how everything I had done up to this point was a front.

My W eventually walked away and said something. I sat my phone down and she picked it up and opened the browser where she discovered this site. And started to read one of my posts. I felt that it would only make matters worse so I took the phone from her. I said "I am sorry. I have nothing to hide but if you read this you will understand how I truly feel about you and this marriage and you will more than likely get more upset" and she said "whatever it does not matter" I don't know what she thought it was but she said "I will assume then, just like you always use to do"

She told me it was all pointless that there is nothing I could do to save this marriage. I told her that "just because you say you don't love me anymore or want to be with me does not mean that I don't love you or want this marriage to work. It is very important to me. I will keep working on this marriage until there is no more hope." She told me there is no hope and I will soon learn that once she leaves and I will never see her again and asked "what are you going to do then?"

She closed the door on me...I tried to justify my earlier comment about OM. Sure it was something that lingered in the back of my mind since it all began if it had got physical and I had some evidence to ASSUME it did but could never know for certain. My W would not listen and said "Any chance that there may have been is now GONE with that comment" and when she came out I tried once again to explain to her what lead me to say that and she said "I am trying to relax, and you just making me more upset" and here we are now....

WOW the day was going descent and I just destroyed my W for a second time. I am sure there are some details I left out, just trying to think clearly.

I don't know what my next step should be...go a head with the proceedings? go Dark in a sense? I don't know.

[DaddyLongShanks]

OIN,

You're not in the wrong here. Sometimes we say speaking to the WAS is like talking to an "alien". Whats funny is that from the conversation you described, she's out with OM and wants you to do all the changing. Not fair at all is it?

I'd continue what you've been doing, obviously don't get into another conversation this deep. It will not make any sense at all.

Take care of yourself, find activities outside of the house that you like to do. Going to the gym will help your mood out, and keep you from getting depressed. Be seen by the opposite sex.

We all know where you are at, and it sucks. I don't like that you want to openly discuss with her, and she believes that you needed to change.

It sounded like you where always a fair and loving guy to her from your discussions. Some ladies don't deserve men like that anyway, they should not be enabled.

Right now this affair is like a drug to her, cocaine to be exact. She has her love nest, and strong and virtuous security from you. Why change any thing?

Take care of yourself, and your story is an inspiration to all of us.

[OfficerInNeed]

OIN,

You're not in the wrong here. Sometimes we say speaking to the WAS is like talking to an "alien". Whats funny is that from the conversation you described, she's out with OM and wants you to do all the changing. Not fair at all is it?

I'd continue what you've been doing, obviously don't get into another conversation this deep. It will not make any sense at all.

Take care of yourself, find activities outside of the house that you like to do. Going to the gym will help your mood out, and keep you from getting depressed. Be seen by the opposite sex.

We all know where you are at, and it sucks. I don't like that you want to openly discuss with her, and she believes that you needed to change.

It sounded like you where always a fair and loving guy to her from your discussions. Some ladies don't deserve men like that anyway, they should not be enabled.

Right now this affair is like a drug to her, cocaine to be exact. She has her love nest, and strong and virtuous security from you. Why change any thing?

Take care of yourself, and your story is an inspiration to all of us.

No, I did not say she was out with OM, I was just referring to the past and making assumptions about what did happen when there were talking. There was only one instance where my W left the house where something physical could have happened but I trusted her enough to think nothing did happen. There were just hints of things that made me think "maybe it got physical that one time" but I still continues loving her and trying to make this marriage work but it was always in the back of my mind.

And no, I was not always a loving guy. I was a controlling, abusing bully. I realized I was leading an unhealthy way of living and destroying my spouse and our M not to mention myself. SO I made changes. I go the help I needed and achieved a new outlook on life then I began to DB to save my marriage.

My W does deserve a man like that and I never was and I am doing everything to become.

[MrBond]

Stop engaging her. She was upset at the message. You didn't need to add to it. You should have said something like, "I understand why you would be upset at the message". Then let her rant.

By talking to her, and actually apologizing that just added more fuel to the fire. She wants to play the blameless victim and needed someone to blame it on. You were the easy target and actually made the target bigger by taking blame.

You need to understand that what you did in the past was the past. Stop beating yourself over it. Now is the time to move on. She is latching onto that "hurt" because she was embarrassed and hurt but can't bring herself to accept at least part of the responsibility for your sitch.

When she rages against you, move to the other room. When she accuses you of taking sides or demands that you take the blame, calmly tell her that she is entitled to feel how she does, but you are not required to sit there and listen to her.

This is where you need to start taking some kind of stand for yourself. Believe me. My W did the same thing. She accused me of so many things, I started believing them. There came a point where I sat back and said "WTF? That's not true" and I started to stand up for myself. Not in a mean way, but started stop being afraid.

Women don't want a man they can control.

[Allen A]

Wow... busy day.

OK, the first mistake was trying to make HER FEEL better for the damage SHE DID to OMW's marriage.

I would have just let her stew on it the whole day and not even got involved. You can't win that battle.

If you supported her, she would criticize YOU for being paranoid. If you don't support her, she blasts you for that.

I haven't quite figured out how you found out about the facebook stuff... But if she finds out about damage SHE DID over at their home.. just let her SWIM in it... she needs to GROW UP TOO... and she hasn't.

She felt GUILTY for the mess she had made and she took that OUT on YOU...

YOu though tried to jump right in and well, it was a bomb waiting to go off.

I think you need to sit down and put a very LONG well thought out letter together.

When you talk to her, she is very good at provoking you into a fight... she's VERY good at that... this is the test... you have to STEEL yourself against the provocation.

And she DID hint today that you did have her thinking twice... she was reconsidering... you WERE making some impact...so, we know what works... I think you saw that in her responses...

MWD points out in DR that you WILL have bad days. Her advice is to shrug them off and just keep going. Don't make a big apology out of it, just keep going. I am looking for the pp reference to make sure i am quoting correctly, but I can't find it right now.

My advice is a bit split here. I LIKE the idea of just ignoring it like MWD said. But I also like the idea of you writing a letter.

How about you TRY to write a letter and (feel free to post here) if you can come up with something you LIKE and are CONFIDENT then send it, but if nothign looks half decent just keep going on as is.

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Re the blackberry and her seeing this site.

That's fine. The custom fit answer to that is this :

"I am writing to a family therapy website and getting some good advice, but this is therapy, its private. It is nothing at all destructive to our marriage, its work to improve myself and my contributions here. If you see a family therapist your conversations would be confidential too... that's how it works. They are licensed professionals and their goal is to help you make a better contribution to our marriage - I felt like I was doing that. They will not compromise any marriage - its all professional advice there."

For the front comment :

"My work isn't a front, its me following professional advice. Feel free to let me know if you approve at all of what I've been doing.. you can thank my therapist for it... It's not a front - Its just me doing what I can to make up for all the mistakes I've made."

I am still thinking, but I will send this off now...

[OfficerInNeed]

Right now this affair is like a drug to her, cocaine to be exact. She has her love nest, and strong and virtuous security from you. Why change any thing?

It was an EA and had been confronted and pretty much over. The task was now to focus on positive changes form the person I was and DB. Also prevent any future A in the process.

[Allen A]

It was an EA and had been confronted and pretty much over. The task was now to focus on positive changes form the person I was and DB. Also prevent any future A in the process.

Don't worry OIN, I don't think DLS is reading you full thread, he's trying to help.

You are cool. We may need to get more creative here, but right NOW... dont make a big deal about the fight... it's ok to look sorry, its ok to feel sorry, but do NOT chase her around the hosue trying to apologize.

I honeslty think she KNOWS SHE put into the fight too.

YOU could have just left her alone to stew like was suggested earlier.. and I AGREE.. so your mistake was getting involved in that mess.

HER mistake was taking her upset out on YOU. She PICKED that fight with you... don't fool yourself into thinking that was you. SHE was a BOMB waiting to go off and YOU decided that YOU should go disable the BOMB... and guess what?

BOOM!!!

Sometimes you just gotta let the woman stew over something and NOT try to FIX it.

Hang in there... you did set yourself back about six weeks, but I think this is reparable. You are sorry for the damage you DID do when she picked the fight.

You are a cop here, you know how to h andle it when someone tries to pick a fight with you.. you be teh BIGGER MAN and BACK OFF right?

She picked that fight with you. She was pissed and took a few hits at you, and you threw a solid hit back at her instead of backing off.

I would work on the letter... just keep things quiet for now... I think this is reparable.. I've been there man... I had fights with my wife too while she was cheating and she blasted me big time and I blasted her back... similar to how you did...

One night I tried to explain to my wife her cheating on my wasn't a fair arrangement and she can't expect us to get any better under thsoe conditions. I ended up confronting her and telling her I am pulling the plug on the house (our mortgage was up for renewal).

ME : I have no intention of renewing the mortgage. I will continue to want our marriage to work, but I am not going to support an affair taking place on that comptuer in our very own home. If our home has to fall apart for you to see the damage you are doing so be it.

HER : DOn't throw ultimatims at me. How dare you threaten me!

ME : You've been threatening me with your infidelity!

HER : How so?

ME : It's an ultimatim.

HER : What ultimatim?

ME : Your actions tell me every day "Do what you are told mister or I will go and F$#K that guy"

She screamed soemthing at me incoherent at the top of her lungs and stomped off.

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Its similar to your exchange.

Good news OIN... My wife's still here. There is hope.

You are gonna need to come up with some new tricks though.

I think a letter explaining your changes and the motivation behind them may help a lot here.

Your situation sounds so much like the movie Fireproof it's shocking!

[DaddyLongShanks]

I'm going to listen to this thread and re-read it. She may be angry with OIN and retaliate due to the break up of the affair. Sorry I forgot that crucial detail. It may be tough to talk with her for a while. Allan A is correct in that it may be set back by many weeks or even months.

[OfficerInNeed]

I typed out a letter. I will hand write it. I don't think she will read it.

I feel like I have more than set myself back but greatly diminished my chances of ever reconciling. There are so many components involved from our past, to OM and her co-workers and her father.

My W has a huge problem when it comes to trusting people. She just does NOT and if you burn her she will shut you out completely. I watched her do this to her mother and to this day she still does not speak to her. We are talking 3 years now.

I can see the resentment and hate in her eyes when she looks at me. She is NOT your typical WAS trust me.

Allen you have been a main contributor to this thread and I wanted to share something with you in private (email or something) if you don't mind.

Also I think I am going to hire a DB coach if there is any hope..

P.S. Now do I watch "Fireproof" with her?