Hello Trusting, I was reading your post on Upside's thread about what your husband is doing...it is amazing what you see them do, and connect it with something they said to you in the past.
It's kinda like Deja vu in a sense, but you're looking at it from your husband's side of it. I sensed a detached point of view, a clearer view from standing on the outside.
From reading your take and description, based on what he'd told you....I believe you're right that he's "recreating" a time from childhood to live that part out again in a desperate attempt to "recapture" something he THINKS he's missed, or lost.
It's like what Snodderly said about them regressing to another time in their lives and reliving that part to heal unhealed wounds. Or get something back they feel they have lost or missed out on. So, they think within themselves...never mind that fact that you can NEVER get that time back, ever again, no matter HOW many times you go back and try to "relive" it.
That IS true, there is pain within them from those wounds that were made so long ago, and they have some kind of a need to re-experience that event again to "live it out" in some kind of replay, trying to get a different result, and most of the time failing miserably...which is what replay is, a going back over the same ground once again.
Don't know if my thoughts on it will make sense to you, but I think it does, based on where you are now in your journey.
Something I think you've already figured out; your ex-husband has LOST more than you have...he's lost YOU...OW couldn't even come CLOSE to being the kind of person you've become...you're MUCH better than she is, and don't you ever let go of that.
You've gained so much knowledge, wisdom and understanding in your journey; and a TRUE sense of self.
You're doing well.
Just thinking some thoughts, based on your post.
Hope all is going well with you, Trusting.
Happy belated Easter to you, too, may God bless all of you and your family richly.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
sorry for the hijack Trusting, I am aiming to seek Heartsblessing, in the hope that she may take a look on my thread and give me any thoughts she may have on my sitch, thanks in anticipation to both of you
It's interesting isn't it how replay means something different in each sitch. In mine my XH is quite literally replaying his entire married life: He's met someone who wasn't originally local to him, he persued her with a vengence, if he could have he would have married her really quickly and baby number one followed even quicker (at least with me we had been married over a year before the pregnancy occurred). He is now being an extremely doting father to his new and third daughter. It will be interesting to see how much more of the past he recreates
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Hmm. I think X is really very unsure of himself and never got out of his 20s in that respect. I think it is mostly about career and not feeling good about where he is in life, but not recognizing the link between actions he takes and where he winds up in life. You generally get out of things what you put into them, and often less. Marriage included, of course.
I think he is actually rather ashamed of OW but still fascinated by her, although I suspect that the fascination is now wearing thin. I hope he has the common sense to recognize that the odds are seriously against them if they get married. There are illnesses (mental and otherwise), huge age difference, starting of R in an affair, 2nd marriage, and kid involved--all some pretty serious roadblocks.
Not that that will stop the determined MLCer, but I hope X begins to see it for the childish antic that it has been, and OW for the user that she is. I actually feel somewhat sorry for her as she sees him as Daddy.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Yes, for Easter ex wanted to come say hi to my whole extended family. There were about 20 of us. This just tells me he is missing something.
Heartsblessing,
Your post means a lot to me, thank you. I have grown and I am proud of it. It has been a long road and I believe I am through the worst of my journey.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, That's interesting. Perhaps he misses them.
I know we have both had experiences with temper tantrums; I have thought that when I am sufficiently detached I might open the door a little bit and be a little bit more welcoming. Have you thought about that?
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Trusting this is very interesting to me the fact that your ex wanted to come say hit to your extended family, as you may know from my sitch my ex was also enquiring about my family a few weeks ago, and also the similarities in our time frame make this even more interesting mmmmm
Thanks everyone, My ex was extremely close to my family, especially my father. During one of my divorce trials ex lashed out at my father for "trying to take all his money". Ex's father is a very cold, uninvolved man so my father was his substitute. There is no doubt in my mind that he misses my father. My father treated him like a son.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
