W just tried to call me at home. She doesn't know if I'm asleep or working my part-time job. I am home but let the answering machine get it. She sounded cheerful but wanted to know if the mortgage was underway.
I'm thinking that maybe I should get the refi going to make peace, then DB from there. Besides if we stay apart much longer, I need the refi anyway. But, I really do not want to do it as I see it as a another major step towards divorce.
Maybe get the refi and tell her I do not want a divorce but understand why she does and will not fight her?
Have you gathered the info for the refi yet, or are you not that far along? Some on here might say make her do it since she's the WAW. I have been fairly cooperative with my WAW and it has opened lines of discussion. It's really your call. It seems that my wife has needed time to think by herself as much as anything, but our divorce is still filed, so I guess you have to decide what is best. Time has seemed to be my friend (knock on wood).
I'm thinking that maybe I should get the refi going to make peace,
I'm not telling you how to do your business, but I wanted to point something else out. So many men fall into the trap of "wanting to keep the peace" and do things they really don't want to do. Some women manipulate by using their emotions on men. They will be sweet, then get mad, and if that doesn't do the trick, then they get nasty. She is probably being nice right now...to get you to refi.
Try to keep your spirits up without having your head stuck in the sand. DBing in a long drawn out process and it takes much more than her missing her family one afternoon. The fact is, she may have enjoyed it. WAW's fantasize how it would be to be single.
Just don't set yourself up for disappointment.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Is it natural to not tell everyone about your sitch? I have not told anyone at work. At first I thought I had to so people would understand I was not myself. When I think of telling coworkers or a boss, I fear I will be overcome with emotion when they respond. A lot of people I work with know my W professionally as we are in the same line of work and have worked in many of the same circles. I am pretty private about my life outside of work and do not want to be the object of gossip and pity. Is it unhealthy to keep silent, hoping the M will be saved. People ask how W is doing periodically and I say she is OK, her job is going well etc.
It is good to have someone trustworthy and close you can talk too. But you by no means need to disclose to everybody. What you are doing is fine. This board is a great place to get things off your chest as well. I am happy very few people know of my short-lived seperation (essentially our immediate families); it allows us to still be natural around our old casual friends.
It is up to you, but I think it is natural and fine to keep these issues private for now.
I'm not sure. I've been very busy and reluctant to do the refi, so I have been putting her off. I haven't talked with her in a couple of weeks and have not returned a couple of calls saying we need to talk about the mortgage. Got a message from her, tonight saying that I can't hide from her, and that she plans to come and get some of her plants and she needs to talk to me about the mortgage.
I think I will tell her that it is not fair that I have to finance the settlement charges for a refi, and tell her to split them with me, thereby decreasing her payout and my new mortgage balance. I will probably say that we can put the refi on hold awhile, giving us time to think, that I do not want a D. But I don't think that will fly.
What do you guys think? Have I gone too dark or is this the right approach? I need advice because tomorrow is one of my limited opportunities to make a positive impression while at the same time protect my interests.
Last summer one day when we woke up on Saturday, W asked if I loved her, did I have a GF, said I need to do better and that she was important and did I wonder what I would be like if she were not around.
could you explain why you think your wife would have asked you that question?
Did you have a girl buddy? Some woman you spend alot of time with, like an "emotional affair?" Girlfriend from the past you keep in contact with? Did you go to happy hour alot with the gang which included a couple of available woman?
or, do you just not really know your wife any more?
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I do not think there is OM. It just doesn't fit her values. She disapproves of separated but not divorced people dating, even if the D is just a matter of time. She works a big region of the country and her parents would not tolerate an A at their house. Certainly she has opportunity for a fling on the road, but it is just not her.
I just read your first post. Something seems off to me. How long was it that communication broke down for before she left? You had switched jobs to spend more time with her before she left, right?
No, there is no female I spend much time. I do work with a lot a women but I do not call or hang out with them outside work. The truth is I have neglected my W. And to an extent she has neglected me. The weekend is just not enough time to cram everything we need together and separately. We have both grown so independent and see each other as independent that we have not been taking care of each other.
To Soleil,
The communication breakdown has been gradual over about four years. Her working on the road, me working evenings have decreased phone calls in the week to being a rare occurance. On the weekends, fatique, chores, and mainly lack of planning and communication have taken most of the fun of being together lately.
By the time I changed jobs, and things settled down emotionally for me, she was already pretty withdrawn from thinking the R could be fixed. Subtle acts of love by me went largely unnoticed.
We have both grown so independent and see each other as independent that we have not been taking care of each other.
To Soleil,
The communication breakdown has been gradual over about four years. Her working on the road, me working evenings have decreased phone calls in the week to being a rare occurance. On the weekends, fatique, chores, and mainly lack of planning and communication have taken most of the fun of being together lately.
This sounds so much like my sitch, it isn't even funny. We could spend days without a phone call. In MC he told me he feels "fake" calling me each day to ask how I am. WTH?
2Blu, at least you took time to findally realize something was wrong and wanted to DO something about it.
Have you seen a L regarding all the refi stuff? I think it's a good idea to.
