Db not working, MLC spouse pushing D

[foreverhesaid]

Well, I came home from work and he is gone. Left a note saying "I'm sure you knew that I would decide to leave tonight.Quasimodo is going to the bell tower to hang out."

Not that I should assume, but I don't seem him being by himself, I'm sure he's gone to cry on OW's shoulder. And I'm left to run the office by myself with a full schedule tomorrow. <sigh> His entitlement just burns me up!

[Mila]

Foreverhesaid, I just read your posts. I see that you are in similar same situation as I'm - running a business together with your WH. My MLC H is also having an affair, but he's moved out. Didn't ask for a divorce or separation agreement and we still have joint finances.

I was just wondering how do you do it? You seem so calm and collected about the situation and you seem to be OK working with him. I'm finding it extremely difficult. He wants me to be his friend and his business partner but doesn't want to be a husband and a father anymore. How does one separate the business and the personal part. I can't figure it out.

[foreverhesaid]

Mila,

Sorry that you are in the same cruddy situation. I may sound calm and I suppose I appear outwardly so, but I am seething and hurting like crazy inside. Part of the appearing calm part is just who I am, I have always been a worrier, but realize that if I freak out then that is one less calm adult to work with the situation. Yes, I want to go cry in a corner, but if our business fails because I didn't pull myself together then I will feel even worse.

It may help you to think that 'at least I have the business'. Poor compensation for an adulterous husband, but at least its something.

I don't know if I'm better off having my husband at home. I have wrestled with throwing him out, but I guess I was following the advice on the MLC boards to not push them out if they are still waffling. I suppose the still being with me most of the time gave me hope. It is dwindling now as he becomes more and more insistant on pushing for some sort of paperwork or arrangement. I think if things get that far then I will tell him to move out.

I also think that if it comes to divorce I would not work with my husband. There is no way I could see him all day and then watch him go off to some other woman. If it meant selling our business it would hurt alot, but less than working with him. With our arrangement the clients basically come to see me, my husband manages the office. When we met, he did medical office management, so it seemed natural for us to work together. If he leaves, I'll have to hire another office manager, or do things myself for a while. You probably have a different arrangement.

If your husband is not at home, at least you don't know specifically when he is contacting OW or visiting her. With mine I have a pretty good idea, like today and this weekend since he so blatently left yesterday.

Sorry, I don't have time for more now, will write more later.
Hugs and strength to you......

[Mila]

Foreverhesaid, I hope that your WH is still doing his part in the business. Mine is claiming that he works as hard as he can, but how can he when he takes off for 2 weeks in a month to see OW (she lives far away). So I don't see them together but I know when he goes away to see her. He is the "key man" and I'm the business manager. Our business is suffering terribly through all of this. I'm not sure if it can survive.

When he is away with OW he expects me to communicate with him about business, but I told him that I won't talk to him while he there in bed with her. Not as a punishment, I just find it very upsetting and humiliating to have to talk to him while he is having "good time" while I slave at work.

I just don't know how long we can go on like this...

Thanks for listening

[foreverhesaid]

Mila,

I sure hope that you are in a different time zone than I am. All of your posts seem to be submitted between 3-5am. Are you really up that early? If you can't sleep maybe you should talk to your doctor about a sleep aid. You will not be able to get through this if you are completely exhausted.

Thanks for the link to your sitch, I will read it later. Today I have an all day dance seminar (part of my GAL). As you know WH is gone all weekend and at least it will keep me from moping.

My husband is doing an adequate job at the business. If it was anyone else, I would have given them a talking to, to shape up. However, in his current MLC state I don't know if I can expect anything else. My H will go to the store for supplies (which he always did) but will be gone all day, or sometimes for hours at a time. The rest of the staff and I have always managed, what choice do we have? But everyone else has to pick up the slack of all of the little extras that he used to do.

I think one of the tragedies of people in our situation is that we are losing not only our husbands and lovers, but our business partners as well. I never had to worry if the bookkeeper was embezzling funds, because it was my husband. I didn't have to worry if extra supplies were ordered and then diverted, my husband did that. He obviously had an invested interest in us doing well. What burns me even more, is that the reason we set up where we did, is that my father in law has been this small towns prominent physician for over 30 years. Everyone knows the family and the family name, so it gave the business a boost right when we opened. Most of our clients, my husband went to school with, or were friends of his siblings, etc. People come to us because they know him, I was the outsider (I'm from Texas originally). Now he wants to run away, and probably for the next 10 years I'm going to have to hear "so how's H doing?" as I do every day now.

How to reply to that? He had a MLC and left me for his mistress?

My husband too has tried to communicate with me, usually by email when he is gone on weekends (I presume to see OW). At one time he got quite insistant, and I just replied with "I refuse to talk about the elephant in the room, when the elephant is in the room." This was a bit of nastiness on my part, as the OW is quite a hefty customer (luckily I have always been slim and fit, something my H says he used to admire, guess that has changed.)That shut him up and he even admitted it made him chuckle later.

I'm not sure if I read your situation correctly, but it sounds like your husband is perhaps a salesman and you are managing the office. (I haven't read your full sitch, just the message above so sorry if I got that wrong). Would you be able to start looking for another job, just to have an escape hatch in case your business does do badly? I know with my husband I get the feeling he really doesn't care if things fall apart, because he's planning on leaving anyway, so what should it matter? He hasn't said anything specifically, but I get the feeling that he wants his signed papers and then it will be 'adios' leaving me and the rest of the family to deal with the chaos in his wake.
It certainly is not fair that your husband expects you to stay at home and work work work while he's having his kicks. I don't think I could stand that either. My husband has mostly left on weekends 'to think about things' (which I guess meant spending time with OW) but at least he was here during the week. This is the first time he's taken a 4 day weekend which is why I think things are spiraling downwards.

Ok, this is long enough for now. Thanks for listening and I promise I'll read your sitch so that I understand more later.

Hope you can enjoy your weekend. I'll be thinking about you, it helps me to know there are other people in similar situations. Hugs to you.

[Mila]

Hi Forever, yes I'm in a different time zone - West coast. I know I'm up late even for my time zone. Usually go to bed at about 2am and getup at 7am. Seems to be enough these days. I'm off of the sleeping pills I was on in the beginning of this nightmare.

My H will go to the store for supplies (which he always did) but will be gone all day, or sometimes for hours at a time.

Yeah mine was going for "runs" in the middle of work day and was often gone for more then 3 hours - little did I know that he was meeting with OW.

How to reply to that? He had a MLC and left me for his mistress?

When WH disappears for 2 weeks to see OW that's what I feel like saying to our clients that call for him.

"I refuse to talk about the elephant in the room, when the elephant is in the room."

you bad girl you...but it's funny

In our business I could be replaced easier then him...and yes it may come to that. I may need to find a job (after 20 years working for our company). First of all the business has been going down the hill in the past year - since his affair started and it may not survive if he continues on this path. Even if it survives I doesn't seem realistic that we could work together long term in our situation (OW).

Did your H ask you for a divorce or just a legal separation? Mine didn't ask for anything yet.

I'm supposed to have a meeting with him tomorrow morning, so we will see what that will bring

Keep posting...we are tough, we will get through this
(((hugs)))

[foreverhesaid]

My husband has asked for a divorce but there are several different types in NY state. He wants the one where everything is mutually agreed upon, so that it wouldn't have to come out in court that he is committing adultery. We haven't yet gotten to the point where we've sat down and tried to divide everything.

I suppose one good thing is that when I first asked my husband what he was thinking, was that I would get the house and the business and he would take 'everything else' - meaning our investments. Because our stock market took a dive there for a while, and paying off debt, our investments aren't really all that much money. However I still need to talk with a lawyer as to if this might be 'a good deal' for me. Normally things are split 50/50 here, so it might be adventageous for me to jump at this, despite the fact I don't want the divorce.

This week my parents came to visit on wednesday and my husband quietly packed while I was at dinner with them, then dissappeared the next morning. As he was leaving he said something like, "I hope that you can find at least something positive to say about me to your folks..." It really made me wonder, does he think I spend the entire time bashing him when I want to save the marriage? I replied with something like, "I don't have to bash you, I just tell the truth about the situation and they make their own judgement." Which of course made him mad (probably not good db-ing on my part) because in his head he's justified the whole affair.

Naturally my folks were concerned about me but also 'us' as well. They know that he's acting kooky an that its really an issue more so for him based on his depression. They fully support the marriage but of course we can't make him do anything.

We were to work a half day today (Good Friday) and of course the staff realized that he was gone again. Its hard seeing them lose respect for him and yet I feel I can't make excuses for him. He seems to think that he's fooling everyone and is so pulled together, and of course its painfully obvious to everyone else that he's falling apart.

[Celestial X 5]

Foreverhesaid,
If he wants the D so badly, let him do all the work. Do make sure you`re protected. My H cried D for 5 years and never did a thing about it. Just lots of threats, the last one so bad that I ended up filing, something I never wanted to do. My H and I are still in the same house.

You know the ow is just a bandaid, let her pressure him, you DB, treat him as you would a friend, be polite and civil, but do your own thing. Never mention ow in front of him. That is your time with him, why bring her up? Be positive and upbeat when you see him.

I`m in NY as well, yes all is 50/50. Don`t let him talk you into anything, get your own lawyer, H is NOT your friend, do not trust him.


Good Luck
Celestial

[foreverhesaid]

Thanks Celestial,

I just read your own thread, sorry that you are still here after 5 years and dealing with your husbands MLC. You are correct, I don't want a divorce and have been trying to DB for almost a year now. However he is becoming more and more insistant and I guess if push comes to shove I don't know if what he originally 'offered' would be better for me than 50/50. I definitely need to talk to a lawyer to get things straight in my head. Problem is, no one yet knows (outside of my parents) that he is pushing for D. In our small town, word travels like lightening, so my problem is finding a lawyer far enough away to advise me and yet not inflame the situation.

I don't usually mention the OW at all, although I believe he writes to her frequently on email since he's always on the computer. I do try to be upbeat as well, although if your MLC H lives at home you know how hard it can be to always be 'on' and cheerful with them right there.

You must be a very strong lady to be DB-ing for 5 years, thanks for the example, it gives me strength. Hugs and Happy Easter to you!

[foreverhesaid]

Happy Easter everyone!

My parents had to head back home on saturday but it was nice visiting with them. They are the only ones who know that H is pushing D, I guess perhaps its a good thing that H hasn't told anyone else.

I was surprised that my parents were supportive, and yet didn't really tell me what to do. I guess I expected them to push D as well, thinking that they would want to end my pain. They did ask about how long I thought I would wait for my H, realizing that MLC can take years to resolve. I told them I couldn't give them a timeline, when I felt I could move on I would. (they were thinking dating again, etc)

So, I planned Easter dinner for me, I'm making a lamb roast and if H shows up he can eat, if not I guess it's just me. His parents invited us for dinner, but he lied to them saying we were spending the day with my parents. Guess I'm going to try to enjoy some of the nice summer weather.