You have two choices. You can try to control her, which does not work. A better choice is to set her free, work on you while she is gone, and if/when she comes back repair the relationship.
So what I highly recommend is "ACT AS IF":
Act as if she is not coming back. Act as if you are happy. (No matter what W is doing) You are a strong man that owns his own happiness.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Act as if she is not coming back. Act as if you are happy. (No matter what W is doing) You are a strong man that owns his own happiness.
The key thing is to prepare yourself for the possibility that it may not work out with W by GAL. You don't need to fake having a great time you just need to keep working on YOU and let the results show to W. Let her see what she is missing.
No matter what happens your stress will be reduced and you will be stronger for it.
You have to work on yourself for yourself. It is the only way to get through all of this. We are all here to save our marriages, and have all made mistakes and I, for one, continue to make them. I try to learn from them and not repeat what isn't working.
Do not tell her how hard it is without her. She knows this. Let her think you are OK. Next to impossible, I know, but it does work. It is hard to do but you must do it!!!!
Stay strong and become a better person no matter what she decides.
10 days of no contact now. I still haven't pulled the trigger on the refi. W did ask about it last time we spoke but did not get angry, but reminded me the next payment was coming due.
After she exploded the bomb, she was asking about the refi and other property split constantly. It was like she was trying to arrange a fast clean uncontested asset split as soon as possible.
I am hopeful that time away will mellow her, as I was unable to get her to slow down before she left.
It is hard to resist the temptation to call her and tell her she needs to come home so we can work it out, change our situation to meet our needs, etc.
Is it natural to not tell everyone about your sitch? I have not told anyone at work. At first I thought I had to so people would understand I was not myself. When I think of telling coworkers or a boss, I fear I will be overcome with emotion when they respond. A lot of people I work with know my W professionally as we are in the same line of work and have worked in many of the same circles. I am pretty private about my life outside of work and do not want to be the object of gossip and pity. Is it unhealthy to keep silent, hoping the M will be saved. People ask how W is doing periodically and I say she is OK, her job is going well etc.
It is hard to resist the temptation to call her and tell her she needs to come home so we can work it out, change our situation to meet our needs, etc.
This is why women leave men. Men want to fix, not understand. It is very important VALIDATE right now. This does not mean agree.
It is so counter-intuitive.
Read these words:
"I understand why you feel D is the only option. I can see many other options, but if D is the only way you will be happy, I will not stand in your way."
If you want a chance to repair the R you need to say those words to W. Before you say those words, you need to understand why I highly recommend saying them and why she needs to hear them.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Is it natural to not tell everyone about your sitch? I have not told anyone at work. At first I thought I had to so people would understand I was not myself. When I think of telling coworkers or a boss, I fear I will be overcome with emotion when they respond. A lot of people I work with know my W professionally as we are in the same line of work and have worked in many of the same circles. I am pretty private about my life outside of work and do not want to be the object of gossip and pity. Is it unhealthy to keep silent, hoping the M will be saved. People ask how W is doing periodically and I say she is OK, her job is going well etc.
Based on lots of reading here, I decided it was best to keep the number of people to a minimum. My Boss and one close friend. Over time, more people. Pick and choose wisely.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I do not think there is OM. It just doesn't fit her values
.
I hope you are right about not being OM, but with a WAW, the values/standards usually change drastically. I had always had very high moral/spiritual standards until I got careless about guarding my heart (or whatever you want to call it). I foolishy got involved with OM over the Internet. Was as uncommon and out of character for me as anything you could imagine. So, be prepared for anything you discover.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I know that right now, in her mind, she is done with the M. So, she could possibly justify an A to herself. But I think she is just enjoying family support and hopefully thinking about things right now.
We usually visited my relatives at Easter whenever possible. Today I did it without her. It was tough, but it beat being at home. Maybe she missed me today, despite spending Easter with her family for a change.
A couple of commonalities that I caught that are similar to my WAW. One is that you noted that she did not seem as angry on your last phone call. That has been a good thing in my situation as it has opened the door for me to listen to her at the times when she is ready to talk. But remember, it must be her who initiates the talk, but that will give you the opportunity to validate her feelings.
Sandi's description above actually describes my wife very closely as well. I do not have any evidence of my wife having a PA, but we are separated (and divorce has been filed) and my wife is on facebook quite a bit, so as far as an emotional affair, I have no real idea. My wife has been a Christian for many many years, but made a comment to me one time that she feels like something is just pulling on her heart to experience more of life.
My wife knows to guard her heart, the heart is deceitful, etc, but when emotion takes over it's not easy (see Cain and Abel).
My wife will talk to me once in a while when I see her and we've had some discussions about some things we have not talked about before. For instance, one time she told me about something I did that she did not like. I asked her the simple question of how it made her feel when I did that and talked for quite a while.
If you are presented with an opportunity like I've had, listen to her, validate her feelings, and do not get defensive. It is always hard to do when your spouse is getting this stuff out, but in my case it seemed she had kept it bottled up for years.
Do I know if my marriage will work out? No, I don't. But I can tell you that my wife has told that she sees we are talking in ways that we have not before.
