June..thank you for your kind comments. I think, sometimes, I will be bitter about people like you who WERE able to save their marriages (you know what I mean when I say that, I am actually happy for you). Bitter in the sense that STBXW couldn't/wouldn't/didn't.
That was then June. The woman I am with now I could never live with again. It's an amazing thing to look at what 12-16 months can do to a person. 2 years ago STBXW expressed sadness about me NOT coming to Easter. Now, she would back over me with her car if she couldn't get caught.
On the bright side, finally, this may REALLY be over.
Their issues:
STBXW wanted CS to start on signing WHILE she still lived in the house. She wanted a 'nest egg' to start. L argued that CS is NOT for a nest egg, it is for the children
Her L threatened to file another motion for more court costs
Our issues:
STBXW would walk away without any debt and heap all of it onto me. L threatened to bring all my debt into play now including backtaxes as marital debt (a heavy hit to her)
Paying full CS while STBXW lived in the house was ridiculous and would force me into being a deadbeat dad by inability to pay
STBXW, would walk away from this with 45% of house yet her L continues to heap on court fees to me while STBXW could pay him from that
STBXW's L called today and wants to settle. I gave L permission for the following:
Her L agreed to eat court costs if I added $2500 to my previously court ordered judgment (the contempt thingey)
STBXW would get half the CS weekly until she moves out, supposedly in May
maintenance is still waived
So..there you go. Will it fly this time? Only you all can guess. I think STBXW has another man cooking out there hence a new urgency to settle. Late nights, tight jeans, knee high boots, teeth whitening strips, etc. That's OK. His problem.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I pray to God above that this settlement actually takes place. At the same time, I truly wish that the fates would smile on all LBS's and you would suddenly be given a new judge who found adultery repugnant and had no trouble seeing through the thinly veiled manipulations of your stbx and her lawyer. Lord what I would not give to see them get a serious tongue lashing and all their requests rejected.
Now then my friend...
I try not to wish ill will on anyone so do not misunderstand what I'm about to say.
This woman is going to have an incredibly painful time at some point down the line. I know you were not perfect - none of us are. I also know that you have become a role model for many in how to handle tremendous adversity with grace and dignity. You have shown all of us how to care more about others than yourself. And you have definitely given each of us a great snapshot of how to be a loving, caring, and protective father.
Your stbx is not a stupid woman. She is mean, spiteful and vindictive, but she is not stupid. At some point, after the raw-ness of these proceedings have passed, after both of you have had some time apart, after she no longer feels the need to keep her claws bared 24/7...she is going to begin realizing what she has walked away from.
Think of the men she has aligned herself with as your situation unfolded. None of them anywhere close to being men of character. All of them manipulators and predators. No matter how tough a state she has been in, no one wants to live like that forever.
Eventually she will remember the home you had together. She will remember the trips you took together. She will remember the pride that came with having a husband who was a surgeon, who healed people. She will remember the man, flaws and all, who fought for his marriage until he couldn't take rejection and betrayal any longer.
And damn it Frank, she is going to hurt.
It is my prayer that she has that moment, and that she has it sooner rather than later.
(and before you get ready to clobber me) NOT because I think she's going to want you back...NO. But because I think once that moment comes, maybe then she will at least find the ability to live in peace with you. Maybe you will find her more accomodating with the kids and other things.
It's time for your ordeal to end. I pray this recent negotiation is legitimate.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thank you for your kindness Bill. There is a wonderful new beginning ahead of me. I just need to mourn the loss of time with my children and learn to adapt to a new style of living. I have a lot of financial rebuilding to do, but, I will get there.
I apologize to all here for saying the following. I will not mourn the loss of my wife. I repeat the line from the movie Gladiator, "she's done her work well." Unlike many here, I will not walk around missing her
I will miss my kids.
I will not miss us as a group.
I will miss the institution of being a family.
I will not miss our marriage.
I will miss the structure of being married.
This morning, before going to work, I went through some old photos. The woman in the pictures looks, well, younger (I don't say that from that 'male' point of view, but, meaning from the Abraham Lincoln point of view: wasted from a four year Civil War of carnage, anger and destruction.)
There were photos of STBXW holding our son over pumpkins as a toddler, a photo of she and I dressed in Halloween masks before taking the kids Trick or Treating, pix of the kids naked and holding each other.
It's OK. It's history. Disposable for one person. It's the bane of the LBS'er here, the complete inability to understand how someone can change so much, develop disdain enough: to throw everything away.
Sometimes, I believe and have told others here, that, like the end of a book, it is better to just close it and move on to the next story without trying to overanalyze and appreciate the story it told.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Last week, STBXW texted me that she met with the family counselor who told her it was time to talk with the kids about the impending separation. I told her that I would prefer to meet with the counselor first. I met yesterday with her and with the kids. For the first time in awhile, I sorta liked the session.
FC: "FIB, you'll meet someone again."
She suggested that I take the kids to How To Train a Dragon. Which I did afterward. Had a nice evening with the kids.
Then, today's texts:
STBXW: Since you got to speak with Dr. X yesterday its time 2 talk 2 the kids about the move and living arrangements. They are confused
Me: Dr. X will see u next week then I believe she is going to break with us until we split
STBXW: That didn't answer my question (I know it didn't)
Me: Feel free to talk with them
STBXW: She said its best 2 do it together. Why do you have a problem with that?
Huh????
Huh????
How do you expose your inner feelings in front of your children with a person who called the police on you twice? Pushed to have you arrested for contempt of court?
No. I choose to talk with our children in peace...by myself. Does anyone here see fault in that?
Thoughts?
Thanks.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
If there were peace and cooperation between the two of you, maybe.
In your case?
Pardon my language Frank, but there is no way in hell I would have any conversation with the kids in her presence. Especially about such a life-changing topic.
Yes, let her have her talk.
Then you can have yours when the time is right for you.
I can't even imagine what a clusterf*%# it would be to try to explain this to your children together.
I like the tone in your posts recently. You sound fortified.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
FIB, I get what you mean and I am sorry for the h@ll that you have been through. I think bitterness is a normal feeling. How could a person not feel that. There was no A in our marriage so things were a million times easier to repair. There still is that feeling for waiting the other shoe to drop though. I hope it fades with time.
I have not been reading your sitch long enough to gain enough insight on things. But I do wonder about something. I wonder about your wife, if behind all that anger is incredible guilt on her end. I wonder if she finds it easier to find the faults and shortcomings of others than to look inward at herself. I mean playing the victim is the easier than to own up to your own sh@t, right? I have a feeling ever after the D she will still try to find way to blame YOU for anything that goes wrong in her life.... *sigh*
Anyhow, it is a selfish person who pretends that this doesn't affect the children detrimentally.
Who knows, maybe she has some diagnosable personality disorder like NPD or Borderline. I mean with out a doubt something is off.
Anyhow, I am glad to see you are persevering. I agree with everyone else. Considering the contentious nature of everything, that speaking to the children separate seems best, IMO. She can't call the shots anymore. She can't demand you speak to them together. And of course if you disagree with her. She will see you as being antagonistic. No win situation, always.
You can never reason with the unreasonable, that is for sure. I like to remind myself of that.
Best June
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
My W and I had a dinner with the kids to let them know that we were separated. However, I had already had a talk beforehand with the kids and it was very tough because my son broke down.
I dont think it wise for you and your witch to have the discussion together. I can see there being too much animosity for it to be beneficial for the kids. You are much better in speaking to your children about a delicate situtions without having the ears of a batchitt crazy angry slut listening in.
