There are questions many people are scared to death to ask themself. They avoid it. They put it off. They run from it. They become paralized with fear when thinking of it. They have panic attacks!
Once they reach the point that they can sit still, breath calmly, and address these questions - they change. They must be ready.
What scares you? What makes you wake up sweating? What do you fear more - losing your spouse, or your M? We define ourselves by our dreams for the future, images of growing old together, and the idea of our M. We grew up knowing these things were our measure of happiness and success. We never believed it would be any other way, and don't intend to start that now. Our inability to consider any other possibility chains us in fear.
I'm only trying to point out that growing old with someone other than your spouse could one day be a reality. I am saying sometimes it happens. It can be for reasons beyond our control. You never want to believe an airplane could fall from the sky and land on your spouse - forcing you to make new dreams. It can happen.
Okay the plane thing is a stretch, but things can happen. The thing is that what you are unwilling to let go of will control you. Fear of loosing your spouse - that is something we should probably have learned to be prepared for earlier in life. Sure, we knew tragedies could happen. We didn't expect it to be this kind of tragedy, not for us.
Are you willing to accept that some things we can't change do happen? Are you willing to accept that you can't control other people? Are you willing to accept that this whole crisis thing is not going to kill you unless you want it to? What crimes have you committed that justify you punishing yourself with a life gripped in fear of something you can't control?
While Standing for your M you will find more peace within you if you also Stand for youself, and address some of these fears. Your life can be changed in any number of ways by someone else's crisis, thus making it yours. You can't change their crisis. You alone can decide how to handle your crisis.
You alone must face your own fears that trigger the panic. Talk to a IC about these things. You've started a marathon you never trained for, so now you need coaching by someone who knows how hard this marathon is mentally and physically. You can do that and you will survive this. Taking control of your mental and physical health will lighten your load and make you much more able to Stand stronger and longer. The race you are in will take time.
You will be in better shape when you can face the things that trigger your panic, and tell them NO - not this time, not now. Mentally repeat to yourself something positive that gives you purpose or strength until the tough moments pass. Maybe it is a prayer or a meaningful phrase that can hold your focus. Once you've felt some relief and success, it will become easier to manage each time. I started with repeating my boys names, and telling them I love them. I added my parents. I added a prayer. It has now been a long time since I had to do this in defense, but try to do it often because it became important to me.
You want to be able to tell your negative feelings "I have important things to do for myself" Then go do them. Get out around people (not saying dating). Explore hobbies or interests you did not have time for in the past. If you can't find time now, when will you? Take back the control and pardon yourself from the crimes you did not commit. Parole yourself from the things you can't control.
One of our oldest rules here is "What you focus on expands." Focus on what makes you happy or laugh. It will feel right and natural. You will find yourself happier and laughing more. Make it a point to smile at people you pass. It makes them smile back. You have the power to make people smile and laugh because you are full of life. So focus on living it well and this crisis will not own or control you. You will focus on becoming a better happier person that others want to be around - including crazy MLCers.
The plan is too simple; but that is it. And if it doesn't work for your spouse that doesn't mean it isn't working for you.
I think what is stopping me from detaching is when D13 brings him up every day. And when she comes home from her visits she goes on and on. H I know is telling and saying things in front of her to get back to me. I stopped reacting at the end of Jan.
I would call or text and tell him to please knock it off and of course he would flip his lid.
I know hanging on is toxic, but I just don't know how to drop the rope. All I do is think and think. I wish I was as strong as you are and a lot of people on this board, but I'm not. I was hoping the antidepressants would help, I guess be my magic pill but nope. Yes, I had to go through 4 of them to get to the one that is helping with my panic attacks but I'm still so depressed.
How do I stop exposing myself to toxicity, when D13 tells all after a visit? Just hearing Daddy this and Daddy that and then she will say Daddy said he is going to do this or that. Now I know and want her to be happy with her visits and I don't want her to be afraid to discuss them but I really believe that is what is holding me back.
For instance, 3 months ago he told her he was moving to another city (a city he couldn't stand), well, he has a year lease until Sept. where he is at now. Then just on Sunday when she came home she said Daddy is moving to here now (opposite direction from the city that he was thinking 3 months ago).
H told me he can't afford the apartment he is living in now, but then tells D13 he is going to rent this house in another city. So I get to listen to this and it rips me apart! Any suggestions?
Fortunately in your case as in mine, your H is slowly doing himself in saying he's going to "do this and do that" and it never materializes. Your D13 will see this soon for herself soon enough and the "daddy praise" will die out in it's own due time.
In the meantime, WITHOUT making it a competition, find new things to do with your D13. This not only will take her mind off the "daddy praise", it will set your mind at ease in doing so and forge a new relationship with her.
Lastly, until D13 sees that H is full of junk, you need to train yourself to just let it all roll off.
Last edited by dday101798; 03/31/1004:23 PM. Reason: I need to proof-read
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Monetary value doesn't mean squat anyway. I found plenty of things to do with my boys that didn't involve much money and they enjoyed every moment of it.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I've had panic attacks from the time I was a teenager. Whenever something drastic in my life would happen it would bring the panic attacks back again.
I mostly have them when I drive.
I guess my biggest fear is losing my spouse. You are so right. I do define myself by my dreams for the future that we both had. And the growing old together, it makes it worse because a week before he left without having a clue he was making future plans for us. You are so right I am in such fear that it is not going to happen now.
I think though it is different from death and a WAS. Sometimes I think it would be easier not that I would want it to happen ever, but if something happened to H at least I knew he loved me before it happened. With WASs you feel and/or told that you are no longer loved the way they use to love you.
I wish I could just let go of all of this fear that I have. I'm in IC and trying to get through all of this stuff that I'm experiencing. I really need to get control of my mental health big time. How I wish there was a magic pill or something just to get me to detach and move forward!
I work two jobs just to get by and boy oh boy I have to house clean the house. Always make plans to start on the weekend coming up but then I'm so down and out, so I just sit and cry. I know I need to make myself do it, I just don't know if it's because I figure why bother? Who knows if I will be living here and if so for how long? Who is going to notice? No one comes around. I don't want to be around anyone.
8 months ago I started the house cleaning thinking there will be hope that H was coming home and that it was just another episode with his depression. We use to do the major house cleaning together.
I remember when I wished for time for myself and now that's all I have. My S19 moved out 2 months ago with his girlfriend and now my D13 is always with her friends out doing stuff. I feel so alone! I don't have much family left at all. What the kicker is, is that me and H couldn't wait for her to get a little older so we could do stuff together and leave her by herself. Now the time has come and he is gone.
Sorry for going on and on but having a very depressed day as you can tell.
I've been trying to read your thread but can't find it. Are you back with your W? Can you attach a link to your thread? I don't know how to attach a link on here so that is why I was in newcomers and then realized I probably need to be here.
If you go up to Was2 name and click on it it will give you all his posts(at the bottom). If you want to read them all from the beginning go to the last page that will be his first post from 2005.(right now it is page 391)
To put a link on your thread just go to the page you want to link copy the URL and paste it where you want it to go.
It's not only the "Daddy Praise", it's things he says in front of her to get back to me. It's like he wants me to get mad or cry and to react. Is this normal behavior for a WAS to do this? To get the kids to come home and hope that they tell us something to either hurt us or to get to us?
As far as the money thing goes, I know that it doesn't take money to do things. But it the one week she came home from a visit and said "Daddy got a new tv, but don't tell him I told you." I just said "that's nice, don't worry I won't say anything." She knows that it would start a fight because he is all for himself right now. He ruined our credit and doesn't pay on loans and charges that he should have.
But anyway, I'm there at his apartment 2 weeks ago and he says to me "See the new t.v. I got, it only took me 3 weeks to save." I just said "Yeah". He knows how me and the kids are struggling, and throws it in my face how he can afford to buy things that he doesn't even need.
