For the Pavlov model, I was referring more towards his W's erratic behavior. I think that has to stabilize in some way and if she's not getting professional help, then it's the only thing he can do to keep the peace.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The problem OIN is that if you only want to be a good person while she is showing some sliver of hope and she walks out the door.... YOU have NO REASON to be an adult anymore.
Your reason for being an adult must come from YOU... don't use her frown to put you down or her smile to life you up each day.. or you will LOSE this battle I promise you that.
At the end of this battle the wondeful thing is that YOU will be a great partner, for her or someone else.. and your marriage.. this one OR a new one will be MUCH better becuase of the work YOU are doing... so there is no reason to not do it if she's resisting... its for YOU, not for her
You are right. My anger issues did not only impact my R with my W and our M but also my R with my parents and other family and friends. I was often called "miserable bastard." I will be honest and say that I have thought about the future and the possibility of there being a "someone else" as much as I don't want to feed that thought I know in my heart that I don't ever want to travel down the same road again and make the same mistakes. No one deserves to be treated the way I treated my W and I can only hope that I get the opportunity to be the one to treat her the way she DOES DESERVE.
The issue is I beat myself up over the past but that is something I am slowly but surely overcoming.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
No sense beating yourself up, put the energy into repairing the damage and unfortunately stomaching the temporary storm... its not that bad really.. I know it feels like it, but if the worst she's doing is talking about leaving and giving you the cold shoulder...I think you can handle it.
You're a cop right? Aren't they supposed to be like tough?
To know my W before the sitch and who she is now, is a harsh reality of how far gone she is (emotionally, mentally).
Yes I am a Police Officer. The difference between those I encounter on the streets and the situation at home is I don't love them, so their words and actions don't affect me. On that note... Before our sitch nothing on the job bothered me. When I went to homes where spouses were abused I never thought to myself "That's me" , "that's what I go through" now when I go to "Domestic Trouble" calls I get sick to my stomach, all I can think about is my sitch, it makes me want to reconcile even more.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
No sense beating yourself up, put the energy into repairing the damage and unfortunately stomaching the temporary storm... its not that bad really.. I know it feels like it, but if the worst she's doing is talking about leaving and giving you the cold shoulder...I think you can handle it.
I am also dealing with outside influence. Co-workers who are not pro-marriage and a FIL who is saying "you need to get out of that situation" to her.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I remember you saying earlier that you tried to talk to him, but it sounds like he's giving YOU one story and his daughter a different one in secret.. is that the case?
Yes. He told me he hoped we could work it out but it is up to us noone else. He said it is tough when one wants it and the other does not. He also made reference to his divorce and how he and my W mother are much happier. He then went on to tell me to take it one day at a time and told the both of us to be honest and communicate with each other
My w told me her father told her to get out of the siuation and move in with him temporary till the other apt is ready. My w said she could not do that cause it would be a 2hr drive to work so she will just wait till the other apt is ready.
My w told me her father spoke to me from experience and to her with his heart.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
1. You can talk to the father 2. You can turn away from him and show him up to his daughter
He's clearly lying to you. He tells you its no one else's business and then in private he counsels her against you? Does he KNOW that you are aware of the secret advice he's been trying to send her?
I am just wondering if you called him or it or if won't do any good. I don't expect you to win him over.
I just wonder if you just sat with him and asked him to give you a chance and to back off if he would. I dunno .. It's his daughter... and I guess the mother in law is telling her daughter the same story?
You may just have to keep up the good work and believe that your wife loves you enough still that she will give you that chance. You are making a dent, you have acknowledged that... you will have to keep trying... either that or approach FIL to back off.. but you write as if you don't think that's an option.
If you can't trust him then no sense trying... but if you think it might do some good to ask him to stop meddling behind your back... Maybe he doens't see what he's doing is having any impact and you need to explain to him that it DOES... It's all based on how much you trust him and how adult he is about this whole thing... you have to gauge that.
