In retrou, one of the keys is that each day you're asked to spend 20 minutes on a written activity you share. It has really helped me understand my W better, which makes us connect better in speech (and bed!)
Again, we aren't out of the woods - we began pretty rough. You wouldn't be either. But Future's point is right on - spending time is important. You might not want to overdue it yet.
It's clear from your success - bringing her back and wanting to work with you, that you can and will have a happy M. Keep that in mind...
I don't want to give the wrong impression. My W and I are doing very well. And the friction is well worth the good times we are having of which I don't write about. One thing I have learned about the reconciliation process is that it is definitely not a one side fits all.
I read all of your responses before heading to meet her for lunch. I was ready to put it all behind me and go out for a light enjoyable time. I pick her up at her office and what do I see mixed in with all her pictures of our girls... a framed picture of OM's D3?! I was livid inside, but I thought to myself 'keep your cool'.
It didn't work - she saw it all over my face. W: "What's the matter?" M: <silent, thinking is there anything productive to say?> W: "C'mon, tell me." M: "That picture upsets me." W: "It's cute. And she had nothing to do with it. I don't understand your reaction." M: "It's the meaning I am sure he put to it when he gave it to you. He gave it to you after we were seperated, didn't he?" W: "Yes." M: "In his mind, this was some way of trying to put together some sort of fantastical family."
W puts the picture in a drawer.
W: "OK. She's gone."
<silence>
W: "Talk to me."
I really had nothing productive to say, so I sat silent for a while.
M: "Let's go." - I stand up.
W sits there silent.
M: "I understand if you don't feel like coming." W: "No. Let's go."
...
The lunch started off very strained but we were able to get to joking and laughing by the end. So I am glad we got together. But it isn't easy to not talk about this stuff when my W can read me like a book. I don't know if I had a right to be upset at the picture or not, but I did. Something had to be said.
I don't know if I had a right to be upset at the picture or not, but I did. Something had to be said.
Your feelings can't be wrong. Try to validate hers though. She has a point, the girl was innocent and probably did not have a clue what her dad was doing to you.
It's good to tell her what you want - try to thank her for her consideration even when it is late. That tells her you'll both get by this and be happy in Texas together with a fresh start.
it's that attitude that says "everything's ok, why does it bother you?", as in "I didn't do anything wrong, we were separated, it doesn't matter what I did", and to continue to flaunt it openly, as in "I don't care", is it possible she's totally oblivious to the effects that the OM has had on you, I guess anything is possible. To keep a pic of the OM's daughter, not only reminds her of his daughter, but reminds her of HIM, you can't make the association with one without making the association with the other.
Her continuing to work with the OM even on a limited basis, I wouldn't be comfortable with that either, they had an affair which they carried on secretly for a portion of time. She's had to rebuild your trust, she isn't oblivious to that but she needs to be cognizant of the fact that she can't repair what she did in several weeks to several months and then slip up here & there again, it's going to throw up red flags that are impossible not to pick up on.
I am going to go out on a limb here and put it in black and white... I agree with Robx...
I am sorry but "validating" only goes so far and quite frankly I am about sick of the way people here are encouraged to stick their head in the sand and "validate" our WAS feelings...
Save the marriage by making sure you kiss your spouses a$$ and making sure they are ok and their feelings are ok and do this and do that and don't do this, don't do that, say this...No you said it wrong say it this way instead because GOD forbid our spouses understand the absolute destruction their choices have caused anyone else....
GOD forbid we actually tell them what WE feel because that would make them run...
I sit here and watch the newbies come in and day by day the advice is so far off from what I was taught a year ago...
Unless it is the veterans posting advice...
Your spouse CHEATED on you...WTF do you want to sit back and act like it never happened to save your marriage? Why do you want to be turned into some spineless robot just to save something that apparently wasn't sacred enough to begin with?
This isn't just for Tristan - This is for all the people who want to believe there isn't a big fat elephant standing in your living room.
All of you are so much better then that...To think that some of you have been here for YEARS and not much has changed is so sad to me...To think you aren't worthy enough of a greater love from someone else because you are so stuck in your rut is even sadder...
There should be a set timeline for waiting around for your spouse to pull their head out of their a$$...
In my honest opinion.
(((Hugs)))
To you all and I say this out of respect and love.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
