Thanks Sandi, I understand. I noticed that today she was doing research to see if it is a criminal offense to read someone's email and record phone calls, etc. I can see that she is REALLY mad at me about that. A friend in church says I should stop doing that and that it is hurting my sitch. But that's the only way I know if she is talking to the OM and she is.
I'm not quite sure yet if I should ask her to leave. I think I could maintain limited contact. We have kids together so trying to have no contact would be difficult.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I wouldnt worry about it too much...Maybe I should though...oh well.
No worries about telling her about OM's dark side-
Sure its not what she would want to hear, BUT Allen stresses that a LBH stress the dangers / "certainty" pf an A failing- so that you cannot be blamed for co-signing---also should OM resort to his past darkness, at least you lovingly warned W.
Should she move- Sandi is correct, STAND BY IT- do not let her back, no matter what...only on your terms.
My W moved in and out several times...it hurt every time to watch her leave again.
Just be strong and know that it's the right thing to do...you cant make her want to stay, but if she's disrespecting the M...she shouldn't be there...
She'll prob pack EVERYTHING to make a statement...my W was leaving for a weekend and she packed 4 suitcases- naturally I said WTF and cried like a baby...she was back 2 days later...then came home drunk a few days after that saying, "I just can't do it."
Eff them... there will be mind games and mind F*(^s...you are SUPERCOOL w/ all of them
And if not- thats the way to act as if...
They are confused, you are not...they want validation for leaving...just dont give it to her
Your W sounds like she is daring you to do anything. She is so bold with her rebellion she sounds as if she is wanting to see if you have the b@lls to kick her out.
I did not mean that you were never to have contact with her, but I meant that you were not to be trying to sweet talk her into reconciling once she leaves. If she cannot reconcile for the right reasons, then it would all be for nothing.
I really think that she and OM will end their A once she is depending fully on him and he has to deal with her and his W, but you have to make this decision on what you think you can or can't do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I went to church with my kids again and when I got home I noticed that she had spend about 2 hours on the phone with the OM again. But this time I didn't confront her about it. I've started reading a book called "Hold Me Tight" and got the idea to try to talk to her and express my feelings about the distance between us. We talked for quite awhile and talked about what the Bible says about divorce in Romans 7, Dt. 24, and 1 Cor. 7, which she brought up because I have learned the hard way not to bring that up. She expressed how she is disagrees with God for the viewpoint on marriage and divorce expressed in the Bible.
We also talked about how I saw the OM as pursuing her which she also brought up, and she listened to all my concerns. In the end, she seemed to decide to give me another chance and has started sleeping in the bed again. and seems much more loving towards me as of now.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Ken, I own that book. The introduction of the book Johnson says quite clearly that Hold Me Tight approach does NOT work when an affair is taking place.
Hold Me Tight is a refined approach and will work with MWD appraoch, but the author warns you in the beginning of the text that it will NOT help if an affair is underway.
You should be reading Harley and Tuppy, and others who specialize in infidelity.
THe issue isn't how loving she is twoards you, it is how much access OM has. She and many people in affairs try to play BOTH their LBS AND their affair partner... ask 4luv about that one.. she can confirm this.
Your wife's closeness to you is not an indicator that her affair is over. She needs to learn HONESTY, if she isnt' offering you THAT, then she's still playing you.
I take it that you decided not to ask her to leave after the house loan modification papers were notarized? I don't know how many times you have been back and forth with her with "talks". She seems to know what to do to teach you certain things not to do (you said you had learned your lesson) but you don't seem to know how to teach her certain things not to do. She knows how to get you to suffer the consequences of doing any action she doesn't like. Can you not think of anyway to apply it to her? I wish you could, b/c this talk won't do anymore than the other talks did.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't get me wrong Ken, Hold me Tight is an excellent book, I would definitely put it in my Top Five... But it belongs on the shelf until the OM is GONE... The Author herself warns you about that.
Honesty is what's missing in your marriage right now... NOT physical closeness...
If you have Physical Closeness but she's lying to you.. You are being PLAYED... played in a very dangerous and hurtful game.
