Starting Over (Again)

[Cautious]

Today, I don't want to do anything. I had the first day of my new class (for the month). I'd love more than anything to just sleep the rest of the day off, but I know that's not practical, especially when you're a mom... and about to pick your son up from the bus stop in less than 10 minutes.

Yesterday, ExCautious was somewhat kind to me, but not affectionate in really any way. Just civil. He half-heartedly gave me a hug before leaving. I half-heartedly accepted the hug. Kind of wish that either one of us was in this 100%. Unfortunately, I'm too busy GALing and worrying about backfire from all the issues that have gone unaddressed to even be close to 100% anymore. Maybe 80 to 85. Then the pressure from friends and family to "give it up" is probably not helping my chances much either.

Weekend was ok. Not fabulous or supurb, just okay. I definitely got out of the house and did something with my life. Spent a lot of time drinking and dancing, but I didn't send a single drunken text message or phone call ExCautious's way. So I GALed, but it felt empty when I came home to my own bed alone and by myself. And then the sleep wasn't much good either.

Today, I'm wishing I had a weekend to recover from my weekend.

Goals for today are out the window. I just want to relax and not feel the pressure to be anyone I don't want to be or do anything I don't want to do.

[jasper67]

sometimes those days are necessary...I think you're doing a really good job...do watch the anger, though its deserved...

[Quart9]

Hey Cautious! Just want to say thank you for the well wishes.

I was catching up on your sitch and I have to confess I was shocked when I read a couple of posts back where you said you don’t like jewelry?! You do like video games though! Do you like sports? OMG! ExC what is wrong with you man!!

I’m sorry to hear about some of your anger resurfacing. It seems justified – especially with the way he has been jerking you around. I wish there was a way for you to see an IC as flowmom suggests. I know you say it is tough because S5 would need somewhere to stay. Could you work it in w/ your school schedule? Does your school offer IC?

Please be careful with the expectations (for him to change/come around near your anniversary or with hugs and affection). It seems like you might be setting yourself up for more hurt there.

Congrats on the GALing and on not sending a drunken text. You’re lucky to have that much self control. This sounds cheesy, but you know what I’ve been doing when I get that intoxicated urge to send the ‘ol booze fueled text? I send whatever I wanted to say to her to myself. Then when I wake up and I look at my phone to find out how much of an idiot I was I instead see how much of an idiot COULD have been.

[Cautious]

Thank you all for your support during this time. However, in light of last night's events, I have to declare that I am DONE. There is no longer anything worth admiring about that man whatsoever, as far as I am concerned.

It hurts that, for whatever reason, I still care about him in any way, but I do. It's going to be a long hard road from here to complete acceptance, so I may still be around, but there is no way I can actually be with this man ever again. He can't even be true to his word concerning our child.

[g450]

Im so sorry Cautious.

That was my gut feeling about him when I read your last few posts. And I was hoping I was wrong but I think you see what I see now.

Now you will need all your strength to detach from him.
And some of us never fully detach. But we can do it enough to have a life post-divorce and still be happy.

I wish you the best and hope that you will not leave this forum for good. If you do then let me say I will miss you and your outlook on life. You were a breath of fresh air in my and others threads.

Take care honey.

[flowmom]

Hi Cautious. I'm sorry that you've been dealing with unpleasant events. I hope that you get some support as you detach. That will help you be the best mother that you can be as you reach for acceptance of the painful truths of your sitch. Take care.

[Quart9]

Your efforts to try and retain your family have been admirable. You deserve better treatment though (we all do). Good luck to you and stay strong Cautious.

[Cautious]

Hi guys! It's been a while, and I thought I'd update a little. If nothing else, just to get some of this stuff out of my head.

First of all, happy mother's day to all the moms!

My mother's day started off pretty pleasant, actually. ExCautious was a little late dropping S5 off, but no big deal. He had paid for some gifts of chocolates and greeting cards for S5 to deliver to me. I joked that he was angling for a father's day watch. Unfortunately, from there, S5 decided to compete for a spot on Supernanny... or whatever that show is where they come in and tell you your kid is a brat and it's all your fault. I survived, though.

Over the last month, I've cut off nearly all contact with ExCautious other than to ask about S5 stuff (field trip, talent show, and graduation coming up). ExCautious pretty much took it in stride, not showing any outward signs of dissatisfaction.

That may have changed Friday night, but I can't be sure. You see, Thursday, as I was viewing my facebook (where exCautious has ignored my friend request and I never unsubmitted it), it showed that ExCautious had added a girl to his facebook friends. Long story short, I know the girl and pretty much everything there is to know about her. Somehow, Friday, I decided to throw an accusation his way about his involvement with her. I'm not sure where the conversation went that made me feel vengeful, but I did it. I didn't lie about anything, and the matter was quickly dropped. I really don't care if he's involved with her or not, it was more of a defensive move, if I recall correctly.

Anyhow, our conversations, when they are lengthy, are rocky at best at this point. And, once we were inside discussing things about S5, I decided to part ways with ExCautious with one more stab: "We're not friends, ExCautious. It has become painfully obvious that is not what you want. Emphasis on the painful. I've tried being your friend, then I tried being civil, then I tried being completely uninvolved. You always want something different from me, and I'm not going to be a part of your stupid games anymore. I'll live up to the ridiculous contract you drew up and called our divorce, but nothing more and nothing less." And then I left. Didn't talk to him all weekend until Sunday morning to tell him thank you - and, despite the fact that you have all warned me against this - I felt he deserved a hug for putting the effort into making my day special.

I felt so special, in fact, that I had the gall to call him that afternoon and ask him if he would like to grill some steaks at the park. He declined and stated he was fishing with his cousin. I didn't push the issue, though I'm sure I could have made steaks for four and had a generally good time.

To corrupt this story more, I will admit that I had a date Friday night. To thinly veil his identity, I'll say nothing more than he's a public service worker - of a group that has a reputation for being especially attractive (which he lived up to that reputation). It wasn't an unpleasant date, but I still don't know him very well and I'm living up to my screen name. Cautious. I'm not going to go out and say that he's the one, I'm going to marry him, etc. etc., I simply felt it necessary to include this information to provide a full background to my next topic.

I talked about ExCautious a lot during the date. Date was divorced, also, and spoke a lot about ExDate. Pretty even match. However, sometimes, I get this nagging feeling I'm cheating on ExCautious, possibly due to the fact that this is the one area of my life I am not completely truthful with him. In addition, when I start to have any interest in moving on (such as a guy asks me out on a date or I meet a guy I'd like to know better), ExCautious starts to show a great deal of interest in me again, like the mother's day gifts I recieved this morning. Now, I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy like going back to trying to get him back. There needs to be a whole lot of talking and changing for ExCautious and I to have even a slim chance of giving it another go. It just starts tugging on that corner of my heart that he still holds. Regrettably, it's a large portion of my heart. I've heard from others that this is normal, and that sometimes it goes away, and sometimes it never does. I'm not sure how I'd feel either way - after all, ExCautious has been a huge part of my life... over half of it. He's part of my past and has largely had a part in shaping me into who I am today. I know I would be different if I had never loved him, and I know I'm not completely over him. I don't think that dating at this point (5 months divorced, over a year living separated) is a criminal act - after all, a lot of people started dating before the divorce was filed. I'm trying to take things slow in the dating process, but I wonder even if I find some kind of magical "love of my life", would it seem in some way second best?

Just what's on my mind these days.

[g450]

((Cautious))

Honey you will most likely never be over him. It's normal. Just like you, half my life was with her and she will always be a part of me even if I find another love. At least I will be honest about it. But I can love another.

Yeah had a date as well. Nothing serious. She was also divorced.

Us "dates" tend to always talk about the "ex-dates". She did as well. It comes naturally because being married to X is all of our history and all we knew. Otherwise we would be talking about the weather or our jobs. At least the drama is interesting.

I am glad to see you back Cautious but was hoping it would be for better reasons.

Sadly I recently confirmed that my XW has been having an emotional affair (and maybe PA) for quite some time, even before the bomb so I am still dealing with this emotionally. Just when I got used to the idea of being divorced I get bomb #2. Only thing that will save me is detaching but Im having a hard time of it.

I hope your sitch gets better. At least you have hope. All I have is an usure future ahead of me.

I hope you date more. Being with another woman seems to be the only thing that takes my X off my mind 100%. Sad but true. But I am dating for the right reason. Companionship, friendship and honesty etc.

Good luck.