Goals for yesterday were half done. I half avoided arguing, at least managed to walk away well. I half did the laundry. Some stuff happened with a friend, but I don't know the details at this time, so I'm giving him some space to sort it all out, but it definitely had an effect on me last night.
So tonight, I'm taking it easy on my goals and just finishing the other halves: 1. Finish laundry 2. Play the stupid game my son wants me to play/finish my homework for school (new class next week - woo hoo!) 3. Avoid arguing with ExCautious at exchange times tonight.
Reflecting on ExCautious's patterns of behavior, I think I have at least 5 months before he's going to start coming around and building from there will be hard. I expect the big change from him around September (our anniversary). If he's not seeing anyone then, he'll likely be getting nostalgic. This effect will be increased over the following months, as he will be gearing up for deer season, which, for whatever reason, has an emotional effect on him every year. If I can continue to be patient with the upcoming months and "play my cards right", I should be able to be where I wish we were now by about Christmas. If not, I'll at least have a couple years of GALing under my belt and be well on my way to a new job and a new life.
Some anger: I hate that I know ExCautious so well that I can predict his patterns of behavior as above, yet ExCautious keeps trying to fit me into a tiny shoebox of a limited amount of information he knows about me. And that info includes some incomplete data he doesn't seem to care to complete - because it's easier to see me as some kind of monster who makes firm decisions for "no reason other than spite". This has been an issue for a long time and will need some effort on both our parts if it is to be resolved. It has caused many issues and arguments over the years from the very beginning - one year, ignoring my repeated admissions that I am not a fan of jewelry, he balked at my reaction to a Christmas gift of a lovely necklace. It wasn't that I didn't like the necklace, I simply wasn't as excited about it as he had hoped, because, in his mind (due to commercial brainwashing probably), jewelry is the gift that gets the huge reaction from women. I hope that, should things go well, I might be upgraded to a hat box or something.
Last night's argument was slightly necessary, but I didn't handle it completely well: issue with son's imaginary play incorporating ExCautious's comments about alcohol consumption. I managed to walk away from it with SOME dignity and grace.
So I'm kind of crabby today, totally ready to get this week out of the way so I can move on to a new class and gear up for all the waiting I'll be having to do!
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
I can NOT be polite to save my life! I'm so angry that it just comes spewing out in my actions and the way I treat that man. Maybe it's better that way for now... I have every right to be angry, but isn't that a little anti DB? Aren't I supposed to sweep this stuff under the rug for now?
I wasn't really RUDE, per se... I just was rushed, like I didn't have time to listen to all the things he wanted to tell me today. Maybe it will go better this evening when my son comes back home. I just don't want him getting any ridiculous ideas like I want to be with him or something like that. I do NOT want to be with THIS man, but I would consider a man who apologizes appropriately and realizes the hurt he has caused.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Cautious, I don't think that DBing means sweeping your anger under the rug. It means dealing with it, not venting. ExC isn't an appropriate or safe person for you to process your anger with right now. That's for IC, personal work, and very supportive friends. You're having trouble controlling your actions around ExC and I think it's because you probably need to deal with some of your feelings in a focused way. I hope that you can work on this. Staying calm would be a 180 for you...what would make it possible for you to do that?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Even if it means getting nasty. It is what we are here for. Just think of me as a D.A.M. and use me if you have to.
Never direct anger at your WAS. It's counter intuitive.
You have to release your anger before dealing with him and keep you and him on an even keel.
Honestly honey, just suck it up and play the good guy and fake it if you have to. Take out your frustrations on us if you have to. Its what we are here for and you wont hurt our feelings.
Let it go.
Deal with him on terms that put you on the high road. Do not stoop to his level.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
You could stick to email communication. It's less personal, but frankly personal isn't working for you. Also, there is affordable IC out there...I recommend it.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I was going to IC before. Scheduling conflicted, as there is no one to watch my S5 other than myself. ExCautious refuses to spend time with S5 that isn't "his" time, meaning what is on the court papers. The other side is that I saw two Cs. One was WONDERFUL, but she left the company, so I was transferred to a woman who treated me like she was better than me. I didn't need the judgement or the hassle.
I can't avoid F2F communication with ExCautious as we are constantly exchanging S5 throughout the week. He determined this schedule. My theory is that he wanted to keep constant track of me. His reasoning for factoring Wednesday into the equation was so that I "could go get drunk" with my friends. Wednesday was ladies night at a bar I used to go to with my friends. We would vent, talk, etc. but I did not get drunk, much less what is he thinking when I'd have my son back that evening? That I'd go get ****faced and then be an excellent mother? I've considered asking to meet for exchanges at the courthouse (many high conflict couples leave a child in a special courtroom with a court provided guardian and leave while the other parent comes from the other side to pick up), but the cost seems enormous to drive all that way 2 to 4 times a week.
No clear cut solution.
Last night went ok. ExCautious asked about taking S5 on vacation in July... I am REALLY uncomfortable with the idea of going on a 12 hour drive to another state to spend time with ExCautious's best friend, mother and step father, with the potential for additional persons that I have never met. I told him that I would have to think about it, but that the dates are completely acceptable (he has to provide dates by the 31st, according to our PP). He kept trying to give me information and I kept cutting him off, stating that I would have to think about it. He told me he "understood", but kept pushing with more and more information. I finally told him "you don't even have all the information right now, let's talk about this when you know the exacts." His best friend is a horrible influence for my son right now. There are several reasons for this, but I'm not going to say anything right now about it - it's an ongoing argument between ExCautious and I. I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling him to just get naked with him and be done with it, since ExCautious couldn't be more up his best friend's a$$.
We discussed some other issues... upcoming birthday party, funeral services, etc. Then he mentioned that he had bought a new video game, one I had mentioned when things were going "well" that I was excited about. I couldn't control the words from my mouth as I said "@$$hole". He said I was welcome to come by and watch it at any time. Kept insisting that I was welcome, etc. I said no, no, no, no, we'll see. He is the master of the weardown, isn't he? Tried it with the vacation, worked on it with the game... geez. That must have worked really well on me before. Sounds like a good place to start some 180s.
I'm tempted by the game, but I'm not ready to spend that kind of time with ExCautious at this time.
Goals for today: 1. Play with S5.
That's it. I don't have the energy necessary for three. I was incredibly productive yesterday, today I get to take the day off.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
No, he's dead set on that. You know how they say that we only remember 50% of the message? ExFIL encouraged him to be a family man and take care of his kids, all ExCautious heard was "50/50 custody" without really grasping what that meant, I think. It's harder when he's trying to do the right thing while still MLCing... or whatever you want to call what he's doing. I can see that he's trying what he thinks is right, and I can see that he's failing, and I can see that I point out his every mistake, and I can see that this is what my life is going to be like for the next 13 years or so. Thing is, ExCautious was the best father ever when S5 was S0-18mos. He was PRESENT, he held himself accountable, he even helped with the overnight feedings/diaperings. So I don't know if that was the real ExCautious or all an act. That's what I'm trying to understand now, I guess.
When things were going "well", I went over to hang out with ExCautious and he made some incredibly lewd remarks to me and then seemed defensive when I told him I didn't appriciate that kind of humor. He told me that is the way he interacts with his friends and I tried to explain to him that I'm not one of his buddies and this sure didn't look like a head shop. Do I have to be one of his friends and degrade myself to their level to be with him? I certainly hope not, because he's not worth that.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
