Thanks so much for the great post. I almost lost my job also, due to missing so much work because of the depression. All I did was sit and think and cry. How could he do this to me and the kids? He was always afraid I was going to be the one to leave. He told everyone how much he loved me all of the time. I just couldn't and still am having a hard time accepting all of this. It was like a switch went off and he just started snapping at the kids then me.
Then went and talked to his step-mother on a Sunday and started a huge fight with me on a Thursday and left. Moved in with his father and her for the first 6 months. She wasn't and isn't the nicest person around. She didn't help out the sitch out at all. They both just told him to leave and get a D.
You are saying that they don't want to hurt us but my H was just saying in Feb that he wouldn't go to anymore of our D13 swim meets because he can't stand being in the same room as I am. Then 2 weeks later he was being very civil and did go to the swim meet. Do you think that H says things to our D13 to get my reaction? He knows that she will come back and tell me without me even wanting to know.
It seems to me that sometimes he wants me to contact him, even if it is to start a fight. Like with the unopened box of condoms in his dresser drawer, and telling D13 that he is moving again. He just told her that in Jan. and he never moved to the city he said he was going to. Now he is saying he can't afford the apartment he is in to me then he tells her on Sunday that he is going to rent a house in the opposite direction of the last city he said he was going to move to.
Also if they are so depressed don't they need us to be there for them? This is where I get confused as far as the detachment and NC. Then at other times it seems like he wants to control me by saying things like he loves me more than just the mother of his child and he doesn't know what he wants to he doesn't have any feelings for me.
D13 didn't tell H what she saw, only me. She tells me all of the time that she can't talk to him the way she can talk to me. Any suggestions on how to tell him about this? Every time I have had something to say in the past that might hurt her or about his drinking (which he didn't do until now) he gets very defensive and screams! So I texted him the last time something happened and he still blew up.
I don't know how to word it so he doesn't blow his stack, and I do want to tell him to please watch what she sees.
You are in good hands here from just the last few days of posts I saw. The problem tho, is you ARE getting some level headed advice, but not listening to it! Slow down. What I'm seeing right now is you've backslid a bit and need to remember, there is NOT one thing he does you can control. There is NOT one thing he does you can change.
If he's going to blow his stack, then dont' say anything, he's a big boy, he'll figure out where he messed up. In the mean time, tho, if you are concerned of items laying around at his residence or where ever that affects your D, definately as said, document it.
Everything else, you've already answered your own questions. I don't care if it's MLC, ADD, CIA, whatever accranym you wish to apply to your WAS, the bottome line is, you're dealing with a WAS. Thus, things will fine and dandy one day, and not the next. History as you know it has changed and will continually change to validate the WAS. Nature of the beast.
Keep sight of this!!!!!! This is nothing new.
If he wants to go on a tirade and be a beef jerky, let him, ignore him, act "as if" until it finally is AS IF. Stop trying to get in his head, you can't and you will dirive yourself looney if you don't stop. I tell you, when I was doing this I realized when I was no longer acting and things were in fact as if when (x)W would spew the same non-sense babble and finally instead of rebutting it, I'd just laugh, sincerely laugh and walk away. And that would piss her off so bad. WHY? Because I wasn't giving her a rise and arguing her chirades any longer.
I know it's difficult with children involved. However, there are rules in black and white you can fall back on. No need to create them yourself.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Thanks dday for checking in on me. I appreciate everyone's advice on this site.
I know what my problem is and it finally hit me. I'm having a terrible time detaching. I know the GAL thing and all of the other advice but when you suffer from depression this is very hard to do. Plus the panic attacks make it worse, and lets top it all off that H telling D13 things just so they get back to me or he wants to see my reaction it gets me all down and out all over again.
Dday, you are a success. How did you ever get your W to contact you and want to start again? I know every sitch is different but you were able to do it in such a short amount of time compared to me.
See there are also outside influences with my H. His family doesn't want us back together and sees nothing wrong with H. And he always worried about what they thought of him. So I'm sure this is confusing him even more and pulling him away from me and the kids.
I know what my problem is and it finally hit me. I'm having a terrible time detaching...... but when you suffer from depression this is very hard to do. Plus the panic attacks make it worse, and lets top it all off that H telling D13 things just so they get back to me or he wants to see my reaction it gets me all down and out all over again.
Look at it this way, is worrying about your H, how he's going to react, what he's going to say; do those thigns add to the depression and anxiety? I'm willing to bet, yes, and probably a ton. No?
It's not easy. But there comes a time when you just have to ask yourself, "is hanging on to this right now any good for me?". When the M goes toxic, it remains toxic until whatever caused the inbalance is recognized. And like dealing with anything that is toxic, the longer the exposure, the worse ailments it can cause will be.
Stop exposing yourself to the toxicicty. Again, I know it's not easy, and I can only imagine from the female standpoint how scary it may be just to let go, but it works.
That is all part of how my (x)W and I are in fact back together. I quit. I still loved her with all my heart, and she knew it, but at the same time, carrying out the same shinnanigans over and over just got pointless. I focused my time on myself, and the time I had with my boys. When I had to see her, I wouldn't even look at her unless I had to. It was all that 'dropping the rope'. Because holding on to that rope was continually tearing me apart. Worse part is, the kids see it. They might not say anything, but they do see it, and it makes them hurt just as bad, if not worse.
You know, (x)W and I had a VERY long discussion about all this again Satruday morning. Yeah, we've hit on a few thigns here and there since the initial conversation when she came to, but we rehashed everything. And what she had to say was a lot of what you can hear here from WAS's first hand, she wanted to caome back, she wanted to fix things so much sooner. When we could 'get along' for a few weeks at a time every 4 months or so, she would get all estatic, calling her friends up thinking we could have a chance. Of course, we couldn't. She had the baggage of OM, did not know why (EDIT, well she did, she was depressed and jsut didn't care, thought he'd make her happy, a new life would make her happy, when in opposite, it made her miserable), and I still did not recognize ALL my faults, nor did I frogive them, or hers. It wouldn't have worked. Even now, after doing all the above, it's STILL hard work.
So, I guess to answer your question, she made contact again and wanted to do this mostly in part to the 'loving detachment' I gave her.
Last edited by dday101798; 03/29/1009:32 PM.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I have finally reread the past few days and feel like I have really caught up on your sitch.
Yes you were here for a long time. Not recognizing MLC, is not a mortal sin. That being said, you now believe that is what you are dealing with, and you are the only one that can make that call. So now that you know what you are dealing with there are certain realities that you must face.
There are NO guarantees. If your H wakes up and comes back, that is wonderful. But that may not happen. If you are going to choose to stand for your M, that is a fact that you are going to have to accept.
There are NO, I repeat, NO quick fixes, NO magic pills, NO tricks, NO specific tactics that will cause him to come out of this.
YOU CANNOT help him. You cannot wish him into his healing. You cannot convince him he needs help, he needs YOU, or anything right now.
Logic and rational thought have gone out the window.
This is a journey of the soul. A journey that takes years more often than not.
It is a journey whose outcome is never known and it isn’t just their journey, it is ours as well.
You keep asking the same questions. I think you need to really take some time and reread the MLC resources, the archives, and try to absorb what you are reading. The answers are there.
You are still very much wrapped up in how to get your H to come home. To be honest, if he came home right now, one of you would leave again not too long down the road. Neither of you are in a place where you could do the work that comes with marriage restoral.
You called Dday a success because his W has come home. He is. However, he was a success before his W returned, because, by his own admission, he finally took time to work on himself. To make himself stronger, to heal, to learn to forgive.
Here in MLC, we try very hard not to define success by the state of our M. Many of us, are no longer married to our S, but are definitely successes. Because we grew, learned, and we live and love. But it takes getting to the point where you realize that your M, or any relationship you may have in the future, is dependent on your R with yourself. If you are not healthy and happy, you cannot be healthy and happy with anyone else for very long.
To answer some of your questions, what you are seeing from your H is normal for MLC. Wanting one thing one minute and something else the next. Accusing you of things, normal MLC spew called projection. Spending out of control, also normal for MLC, do what you can to protect yourself financially.
Do you still love them? Absolutly. Do you tell them? No it is pressure and the last thing you want to put onto a MLCer is pressure.
Dealing with issues with your D? Telling your H what he is doing wrong is not going to do anything but hurt. Because you are criticizing. So you need to find some other way to minimize the damage with your D. This will cause your R with her to change in some ways. Maybe you need to become more open and honest with her. Maybe she needs to be in counseling to help her deal with stuff. But don’t expect to tell your H anything and have him jump right up and say “you are right, thank you for pointing that out”.
Trying to guess what he thinks, means, or why he does or says anything, is just going to make you crazier.
Dating, honestly, I don’t think you are ready to date anyone, let alone your H, who you have a painful history with.
Yes they wear a mask. They don’t want people to know the real pain they are in.
Is there anything you can do? Yes, you can take care of yourself. There is nothing, nothing you can do with him, for him, even if he starts his meds again, he still has stuff he has to work through on his own.
GF, your time in newcomers was spent focusing on your H. Let your time here be spent focusing on you. You can do this. It is hard, it hurts, it takes time, patience, hard hard work being totally honest with yourself, changing, healing, growing. But you can do this.
I promise you if you do the work, even if your M is not restored, you will be better for it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
and I am believing in the END all will be okay...